do i really want to feel the low so i can feel the high?

Y i dun plan ahead:

haha... one cos i dun really plan... haha... anyways. 2 cos it never work out anyway... and most of the time tat i do plan never really happens... so like yea... wats the point rite? okie, so i'm midway between thinking itz a small matter and itz a big matter... i mean, itz a small matter but it is a huge matter... i mean, considerin i dun plan my days in more than 2 days ahead, i feel sumtimes i'm jus cruising to an iceberg when ever i plan.. itz like, a plan tat actually will make me go sumwhere but it always ends up hitting an ice berg... and i sink... if itz such a small matter why the hell am i so down? cos it is a big matter... i guess, oh well, todae got two kinda of a promise broken... so itz a smile laced wif tears... the first one was by my dad... i mean, itz a small matter... but yea... supposed to jln raya... i mean, itz not a big deal but the broken trust tat he promised but is too tired and never tell me... i mean, ere i was rushing to get back after ma shoot... called them and said they were gonna go out... so okie la i rushed back... den i get home, ma mum tells me he's jus takin a rest... i mean, itz okie la, understandable tat he is fasting... but yea, it like u promise a lil kid he's gonna get a treat and when smiles knowing tat he is gonna get a treat, u decide to turn him down... watever the reason, i feel for the lil kid... i mean, the stuff is not important, but breaking the convenant tat u had is.... so yea, dun make promises which u intend to not really keep or maybe cos u're waitin for sumthin better... or even worst, jus postpone it... i mean, true the reason may be good, it may be bad... but when u make sumone look foward to sumthin and den shootin him down... the world seems to crumble down la for the guy...

so back to the subject y i dun plan ahead when dealin wif ppl... cos most of the time get buih-ed... so like really la... y brace myself for dissapointment?? i mean, most of wat i dun really plan happens... i mean, sure u gotta plan for urself and stuff and when u dun place ur happiness on ppl, itz okie.. but when u do, sumtimes itz jus a trap u make for urself to step into... i'm feelin emo and stuff... but yea, had to let it out if the tears is not to flow... i mean, not tat i want to supress the tears... but yea... i'm jus down... luckily itz at nite alraedy... when i get up, i'll be fine... so tats a plus point... and yea, i was lookin foward to both outing... but oh well... i crashed for both outing... u noe how lil things makes u happier than big things? i guess i'm happy wif big things... but itz the lil things which makes everyday complete... i realised i'm goin thru the random tots tat swirl in my head which might not haf much of a connection...

here's wat i feel like doin... i feel like bein emo and being alone and dun want to talk to others cos i didnt get wat i want... or wat was promised to do... here's wat i'm doin... i'm emo, am alone(has always been as i type these blogs) and talkin to others cos i tell myself to them itz not a big deal... but itz a freaking big deal... y am i makin a big fuss again? cos i feel played out... wat ever the good reasons... well, kids dun listen to reason... and i tink i'm sick of bein an adult...

'i wanna noe if itz nice to be aloneeee, or rather hanging by the phoneeeeee...... i wanna noeeeeee'
-i wanna knoe by Pop Whizzee-
anyways, jus liked their intro... den the rest of the song dun like anymore....

the muse haf spoken to my head

i dunno... been chatting wif liana.. itz weird.. she asks weird qsn and i gif even weirder answer and she teaches me abt myself jus by askin abt me... weird... todae, as i was chattin, i jus realised i love teaching... let it be watever... and i must admit, i am happiest when i'm teaching these kids... haha... come to think of it, i'm most chirpy and full of zest and life when i'm just abt to teach people... come to think of it, itz the few times i've displayed my crazy and really outgoing side in poly... and come to think of it, there was this incident which changed me... made me crawl back to the shell i jus left... i dunno, i guess ppl were jus lookin at me diff in my course durin those time and saw me as too eager... i mean, nuthin wrong wif tat... i mean, dam i was eager... i loved skol and all... but yea, sumtimes things bring you down and u find it hard to get up... so yea, anyways, i tink she makes a good therapist... haha... yea...
todae, went for ma recording... and well, i'm a bit irked by a space cadet... to use randy's terms... haha... i mean, goddammit... itz jus patching... luckily he's not one of those who will never apologise... but how long will ur apologies cover ur tail????!!!!!!! okie la... quite good todae's recordings except tat we had to complain tat there was no air con... haiz... den jonathan was helpin out wif a tour.. so accomodated the sec skol kids in the tour of the multi track room... gotta say, jonathan sure can crap well and givin tours... and even quite confident even if it was half not really true... haha... so yea, me acted a bit. like really knowing ma stuff... i mean, i do noe ma stuff la... but u haf to overact those parts... hahahha...

yea, tats abt it... wonderin if i'm gonna go out on wed or not...

i feel as if i missed sumthing out

anyways, sat... aiya, was supposed to go out wif ma parents and go collect cash... hahhaha... but oh well, ma dad had to work.. so there i was bored and hopin sumthin wld happen.. since ppl are not free... and it did... duck msg me out of the blue and wanted to go to the motorshow... i mean, i wasn't really interested but it sure beats bein at home... so yea, i agreed... met at suntec... her sis cut her hair... liked the shorter hair... anyways, went for the show... duck was immersed in the show... me and her sis was like, err... okie... err... hahaha... so yea... okie, so there were pretty cars ard... i kinda liked tis blue car tat was on the spinning platform.. so yea, i tink i only like abt max 3 cars... oh well, had a few antiques car too... and as u can see i'm really not interested... hahaha... so yea... went to watch the stunt show which was a bit better... haha... at least... by sum guy named sumthin swift... anyways, den went to walk ard sum more while duck queued up for the hands on thingy... so yea... den went to meet up wif vick and zak(since he last minute had to go jln raya wif his family...) so as usual, sum1 is always dam late... tis time it was zak... haa... anyways, so yea, went to the magic wok to eat dinner... tried tis green thai curry which tasted like lauk lemak... except tat itz green.... so yea, enjoyed tat curry... the one of few...
den went to haf dessert at Mac... ate the caramel sundae which i didn't really like... walked abt at boat quay... vick left first though... so yea, went back after walkin a bit...

sundae... went jln raya... yea... got 2 books from ma aunt(kinda)... yeay... and she gave me ma raya money twice since she gave me before... haha... oops... so yea... had to go home early cos ma dad's workin at 7pm... oh well, jus finished editing the instructor's course pic... i realised i've been dam lazy yto upload any pic now... haiz... oh well.. so yea... tats all for now... oh yea, did i say i'm kinda proud to haf ma name on julius's film... i itink me and sri did excellent considerin it was only 2.5 days of rush work... yea... really proud of ourselves... hee...

oh yea, i had a weird dream... it was on the bus.. i finally blew up sayin tat wat do u expect?? i've been doin all the dam work... to ma grpmates... he pushed me... and tat was it... there was others la... i dreamt of bloggin in ma dream... haha... i was like, when i get back, i'm gonna blog tis down... haha... it was abt chinese and malay and the tolerance level of rasicm in here... like how the ad seems to prefer chinese to any other race... and then, how learning mandarin wld help loads of u want to get a job in these supposedly mandarin "required" fields... i tink it was abt y was i helpin the malay and in the bus, i was asked y did i even bothered helpin them... and in ma reply, it was sumwhere along the line of 'i dun pay rasicm wif racism'... or sumthin like tat... i dun really remember it la... but it ended wif will u jus stop bein so fucking racist, i help who i want.... and stormed off the bus...

anyways, durin the recordings... aiyo... i'm a lil pissed la... not tat much... well, itz more of irked la... jus a bit... cos i told him to check to make sure all buttons are not pressed.. i mean, dun want to dominate the board la... wait,i just realised tat i already wrote tat in the previous entry... haha.. oopz...

so i pretend i'm doing all i can

i haf loads of complain to get off ma chest which i didn't manage to do cos of ma final theory test... hahaha... actually, tat was the root of all ma complains... haha... i was due to take ma test last thurs... which was abt 2/3 days ago?? anyways, so on wednesday nite i had to do a do or die trial test... but tiz the last slot of the day... and itz the new computer system... anyways, feelin cocky as i was, i too the first time and passed... and when i wanted to find out what i did wrong?? the darn computer will not be able to tell u wat the hell u did wrong... so u will be left out in the dark... so yea... it suxs...after that, i took it again and failed and every subsequent times... so i got pissed and tot of beating the system... which encompasses me ending the test when i dun noe any qsn... and jus to see if i actually got it right or not... but it bein a new comp system... it has a quota of how many times u can take the test... arrghhh... so there i was panicking when the instructor tells me tat most likely i cant log in anymore... arrghhh... so yea, oh well... so i headed out of the centre... had to call the only one tat cld save me... well, actually, itz her book... hahaha... =p
haha.. so yea, went to her house and borrowed her book which i helped take notes... but she took back her book after me makin a mess in her book rather than takin notes... so i only haf a few scribbles on her book... haha... anyways, took the basic and theory book from her.. den she told me of an old tale which re-occured in her life... hahahaha... jus as nostradamus or rather me, predicted, it had come true... only maybe the timeframe was a bit longer... mua hahahhahahaha.... i still think itz gonna happen again till u're a bit more firm and drill it into his head... or maybe jus tell him flat... either way, he has know directly... and if it dun work... well, at least u can say tat u already told him straight... haha... anyways, went home to study... fell asleep at abt midnight... haha... oh well... refused to take ma medcine cos scared cannot wake up tomz morning... haha.. so yea, the next day, msg the only one who can keep me sane durin ma driving test and lessons which i'm really scared of... haha... failed the stimulated test like abt 6 times... well, it was only 10 qsn and if u get one wrong, u fail... haha... and the same, no answer... haiz... dat was when ma morale plummented to an all-record low... haha...den went to the place where i was supposed to go to take the test and everyone who went in had a shock of their life... i tink, everyone went in and either went out or had a puzzled look on their face cos there was NO computers... haha... and it was supposed to be a computerized test... so i saw abt 10-15 ppl goin in the class and goin out and coming back again... haha... so anyways, den another dumb thing happened... abt 4 ppl came and got chased out cos they mistook their trial test for the advance test.... another even asked if he cld join the class cos his test is at 10 plus.... hahahaha...
sum comic relief never hurt anyone... ahahhaha... anyways, the tester later told us that the computer is still not yet ready... still sum tweaking to do... boy, was i never thankful later... haha... takin the paper test was so much easier... haha... i only didnt know one qsn... the rest i'm sure i got it right... i'll be damned if i actually failed it... hahahaha... i mean, i did the paper twice... scared tat i might not read correctly... i had to sacrifice speed for attention... hopefully it pays off... anyways, i was grinng all the way... hahahaha... den went to skol for ma sign language instructor course which i was helpin out wif... quite fun la... esp wif cramp and CL... haha.. oopz... anyways, had fun wif the students... disturbing each other.. ma 2 most boisterous(in a good way) students from the class that me and jiating taught was in the course also... so there we were, me, keith and avbrile(i tink tats how u spell it cos i never knew how to spell his name) were insulting each other wif signs we jus learnt....

friday, 19.11.04
went to the last day of instructor course in the morn... den went to ma recording at abt 2om... took photos for the last day of the course... den went for recording... had fun la everywhere... but i was pushed to ma limits in the recordings... where everything wasn't really ready after 2 hours of preparation(i tink itz 2 hours but i tik itz less la) by the rest.. aiyo... so yea, spent more time gettin everything back up... i feel as if i'm too controlling of the project... at least practically wise... but itz hard la to depend on ma grp mate... well, i understand sri's position la... hee... but yea, i try my best to not make the other guy do menial stuff... but sumtimes, itz hard la to let another wonder and let him learn while ere's ppl waiting for us to get ready... like the talents... i mean, i noe la they are patient and all... but yea, i guess itz jus ma work ethics... haha... i mean, among ma peers, i dun mind workin slowly... but wif other ppl ard, i move a lil faster, ma brains work faster...esp when i 'm expected to solve wat ever problems that comes... i dunno, sumtimes i feel like jus lettin him take charge but i cant afford it... i mean, i gif small stuff and still am not satisfied wif wat was done... haiz... i ask to check the board to see if no buttons is pressed... he tells me yea.. none is pressed... an hour later,sri tells me ere's leakage... and wham... the dam button is pressed when i told him to make sure no buttons is pressed... i mean, tis is jus pressing buttons le... wat more not harder stuff????!!!! so dunno la... god knows wat will haf happened if sri wasn't in ma grp like we first planned... i wld haf jus screamed ma head off and bein really pissed.. and i'm not pissed easily... haha... i tink ma poly fwens haf hardly seen me pissed off.. except maybe ying lin and kalif and sri... hahaha.. the 3 ppl i worked wif the whole year in year 1, 2 and 3 respectively... haha... mostly i show them the silent pissed version... where u can see in ma eyes and face tat i'm totally pissed but i dun say a word... haha... i noe wif khalif, itz not the silent type cos he jus cant make me shut up... haha... we bitch like no ppl's business... anyways, so yea.. i'm jus thankful tat sri's in ma grp... wat wld i haf done wif out u?? haha... in more ways than jus in the studio... *winks* i'm not goin into a testimonial abt her... haha... which reminds me sum still owes me a testimonial... after i wrote one usin her computer... *hint*hint*

anyways... i listened to the song 'why' by 98 degress and wondered abt loads of stuff... i guess it speaks rite thru ma heart... "tell me y everytime i find suome one that i like, we always end up just being friends?" and almost every line la... haha... i guess the whole song wld summarise ma whole love life... well, jus the basic structure... hahaha... so yea...

watched the S'pore idol and well, i must say, itz gettin quite bad la... i mean, taufik is quite good la... haha.. but seein yesterday's song, i tot he was really bad too... den todae, hearing him sing that song, he was quite entertaining la... i guess he cant sing heart broken song and sad ones... but upbeat ones, he has a nice voice for it... still though that out of the 3(i said only 3 cos i believe ere are other more worthy ones), olinda shld haf gotten in... haiz... itz a popularity contest anyway... rather than a singing contest.. so i tink itz quite a shame that the ones who can sing isn't really popular... haha... maybe, itz jus tat they aren't tat pretty or handsome or whatever... oh well... listening to gabrielle's out of reach now... haiz... i'm back to ma semi melancholy state again... haiz... i guess another maybe true to ma heart song... sorrie to let u ppl hear ma rantings abt he heart... but yea, havent told ma shrink(e.g ed and duck) abt the current state... haha... oh well, duck, hope u're abt ready to move...or was it jus renovating?? haha.. oopz...

on a different note, i'm wonderin if i shld ask?? am i ready to know? am i ready for a change or will i stay risk free and stay stagnant?? haiz... *ponders for a while*

bridget jones diary

how apt... there i was sittin all alone on the ocuch and i switched on the tv and presto... bridget jones diary started... hiaz... i guess i'm back to the sappy lovin me again... haha... i dunno... the show was really nice!!!! haha... havent cried while watching a movie in quite a while... haha... sheesh... me gettin all sappy and stuff... maklumla... havent seen the shining star in the sky for quite a while... so yea... arrghhh... i guess i'm in a way like bridget... haha.. cept tis is no fairytale... and i cant read the script before i decide if i want to be a part of it or not... i dunno... i jus feel sad... for the lack of a better word... or the lack of sumthin deeper... shall i go on??

okie... so i miss seeing the star at night.. i miss not being able to see the moon and hear the drone of buses on the road when i'm inside the bus... i miss hearing the silence of an empty building except the sounds of ppl laughing and volumes of water by my side... i miss sitting in an undersized train.. i miss seeing the sunshine... i miss the smell of a specific tropical(or at least Asian) fruit... i miss, well i miss loads of stuff... i guess i miss being able to sprout poems at a go now too... i dunno, wat lis(or was it liz) said... haha.. wld haf been nice if i cld actually remembered where i wrote and wat i wrote on tat day... if i do find it, i'm gonna do it lis... and thanks ya...

hey!!!!!!!!!!!! found it,,, it was ma last poem in tat book b4 i switched to another book.. and ma memory was correct... anyways, itz entitled green up, blue down... but tiz too obvious... so wont write it here.. hahahaha.. i lacked the codeds to write it here... y do we write in codes anyways?
i quote from tis poem(special yet not so special)
'Nah, I'm just seeking to the solace of non-risk'

and itz not at all me... jus plain direct... hahaha... maybe well see... anyways, guys out ere, do give support to ur gals only if they need it.. if they haf their own supprt, honour it... *grins to cikgu salmah* if not, later the cikgu will scold u... hahaha...

i dunno... my mood's lifted... not feelin too sad now... hahahaha... *grins* hiaz... wats into me? i still feel the current flowing... and no sri, i still did pay my electric bill and still have electricity...

anyways, i like the bridget jones diary... i tink i see to much of her in me... haha... the baffling idiot who's prone to eatin, dun really noe where to go, haf 1 gd fwen who's the opposite gender... aiyam in a nutshell, i feel for her.. though i'm only abt half her age... hahaha...

so yea, tomz gotta wake up early to do julius's project which i noe i cant finish and am not tat proud to haf ma name on it... haha... 3 days is crazy for ma standards and well, i guess i take pride in doin wat i noe i can do really well but cant... haha...

am i the only one?

arrghhh...

todae went to help julius wif his project... entitled Kiat... anyways, didn't get much done owing to the fact half the time was spent tryin to get the sound out from the file which we cant extract... so den went to al-ameen to buke... but when we reached ere, it was closed... haiz... so went to the next shop wif sri... den went to meet zak, vick and ducky(who was dammm late)... haha.. anyways, we bought ramly burgers, kebab... den met duck at the bridge after meetin wei ming along the way... haha... so there we were, the 5 of us... and duck was darn mean to wei ming... haha... havent seen tat side of her in a long time... i dunno, i tink i've grown more dependant on duck to lament ma life now... haha... i tink we kinda grown closer sum how(at least i haf... used to be able to get by wif duck wifout complaining everything)... haha..ever since the last time... den tried to find sum daun ketupat... well, kinda dissapointed tat i cldn't find it... den me, duck and weiming took a cab home... well, duck put her ice lemon tea at ma bag.. den i forgot abt it and put ma bag sideway as i sat in the cab and there it was... got ma pants wet... i had one of those criss-cross pants... haha... halp one colour, the other another colour... hahahaha... was whiny the whole journey... not cos of the tea, though partly... hahaha...

now at ma home... still wonderin wat duck told me.. haha.. i dunno... i guess itz cos i want to know but dun want to know kinda thingy..... so i'll rather settle on a comfort zone which i dun want to get out... i guess i value friendship and contented tat we're still friends rather than not on speaking terms... i dunno... i'm jus bein pessismistic... bt yea, as much as i love change, most of the time, change never do love me... it always ends stuff... stuff which i am not willing to change... so yea, here i am stagnant... though i may be a bit oxymoronic, tis is the aprt when i'm more than jus a bit oxymoronic... itz a constant struggle of wat i want and wat i tink i really want... but tat wld encompass of wat i dun really want, yet i want it too... haiz.... and yet, i dun want to be the puppet master's strings... yet, i delude myself tat it is really the puppet master's strings and not wat the puppet really wants... god knows wat i'm blabbering abt, but basically, itz abt me... hahahahaha... i noticed i 've written loads of coded entries... and itz jus like in sec 1 where i write coded poetry... haha... missed tat book... god knows where the book is now.. tink itz still wif alfian...

i'm in a turmoil which will clear up tomorrow... but itz always nice to put it into tangible stufff which i can read and see how my mind is rite now... i want but i dun want... basically tats the line drawn... of course, not takin into account external factors... haiz... how can i manage... i haf no tangibles and hardly any intangibles to offer... haiz... words, jus words, which i'm scared to fully exploit till i noe itz gonna be appropriate... but all i noe is tat, it cld haf been appropriate but i jus dun tink so... haiz... haiz... me, me...

ed my bro, how i wish u're here wif us... haha... haiz...

how do i see myself?

todae, kinda fixed dila's comp... i add kinda cos her files were gone, except for her bro's... the only downside to havin a password protected account... well, when i asked ma fwen abt it the next day, he said nuthin cld have saved it... so dun feel too bad... hee... played Magic with her bro... been a long time since i touched a magic card... so itz quite a good feeling... haha... anyways, tasted vitagen and still say i'm wif fadli abt the yakult tastin a bit better... oh yea, had dinner at mac @compasspoint wif her bros...

went for ma driving on the 9th,
got the old car i used before... though it felt foreign, yet comforting... i jus dun like the car no 13... cos the damn gear box is always gets stuck when i want to change the darn gears... gotta admit though... the steering is quite nice... haha... completed 3 more test routes, ma first driving lesson in the rain... after doing the traffic jam time, i feel good... hahaha... anyways, den after tat, i forgot wat i did... oh wait... haha... b4 tat, went to NUS to take photos of Bathroom Acoustic play... though the room was darn small... haha... den hung out at starbucks at PS... went to ma drivin... (refer above)... den went back to PS to buke wif the rest( Lin, ben, ifti, kenneth and KC) went home and caught the 2nd last train..

10th, wednesday
went to help farah wif her project... got nice production pic... haha... den ma baby died halfway thru the production... so i let it sleep... haha.. anyways, i haf decided to name ma baby camera(though itz dam big) O.D... itz O. D, not OD... so much for cretivity when i jus took the last 2 letter/number from the model name... haha... quite a bus ride... haha.. they rented a bus and we went round in circles as they shot the video... quite an emotional packed bus ride... wif my O.D dying and stress related stuff... hahahaha... okie, won't name names... hahaha...but it wasn't me who was feelin the pressure... den we ate at clementi, after eatin the cold 5 hour old nasi briyani wif sweet and sour chicken... bleugh... den went to tis studio called Soundmix... man, it was the most awesome affordable studio i came across... haha... at i tink $16 an hour, itz quite a studio... not one of those scrawny studios too... i'm impressed... haha... i mean, okie la, not ur sophiscated studio, but u can record ur music there as u jam... so not so bad wat... haha... it sumwhere along jalan besat anyway...

i'm back on track to find the rainbow's end

haha... man, wat a blog and sum sleep will do to your thoughts that rampages through your mind... and sum poetry along the way.. haha... now, i'm back on track to find the rainbow's end... an impossible task... but, we all gotta start sumwhere...

anyways, oh yea, forgot tat on fri, went to help ana's grp... so yea... jus tot i wrote it down so i remembered.. haha.. den todae, sat, helped wif ana's grp and then farah's... helped out a bit wif their sound... den when we wrapped up, me, farah, diyana(i tink tats how itz spelled...or was it dayana? and her lil bro) went to Al-Ameen to eat... well, i got along wif her bro well... haha... i turned into a kid myself... haha... a learnt a lot abt myself jus by dealin wif tat kid... i learnt tat i'm dangerous wif kids... haha... as in, i let them do wat the hell they want even if itz dangerous... haha... but they fall and they learn... may be expensive, but i let them try everythin once... and if they like it, ey like it la... if not, den well, they won't do it again... in a way, i was brought up tat way... sure my mum shouted at me for eatin stuff on the floor and all la... but i was given freedom to do and grow as i pleased... well, me bein the shy bunch, i fell into the nerd category and well, i study and i dun mix ard wif ppl... except by playin soccer... haha... tats how i got guy fwens... mostly, i kept to myself... and i'm more rough wif kids... well, controlled roughness la... i sorrie, but i will do controlled damage to ur kids if they are violent... i mean, i learn tat kids do not know the feeling of pain they inflict since they do not control their physical violence onto others... i mean, if a kid wacks u, they do it wif all their heart... they may mean no malice, but the hurt is there.. so unless they learn tat pain is a part of human feelings, especially if they're the only guy and have no other guys to ruffle abt wif... well, for example, we were kickin each other at al-ameen... well, if the kid dun learn tat if u kick sumone, u get kicked back, u tink they will jus stop? well, maybe they will, after u tend to ur wounds... haha... but they will never hold grudges wif ya if they know u and him are both playin... haha... den as we walked, farah and dayana planted in me a seed... a seed i never though i would see grow sooo early... but i dunno...i dunno if i shld tend to tat seed and see it grow or will i let nature let the seed grow... should i write the life giving elements or shld i jus observe the life givin elements...

now i am torn between... as fantasy and reality dissolves into a blurred line, i feel lost... den i read to the kid his nursery rhyme book... we didn't go very far since he jus loves to be read to and not make an effort to learnt he lines himself... haha... we went to like jus abt 2 lines of baa baa black sheep... den he got frustrated cos all he wanted was sumone to read to him... i'll tell u guys, i hate readin out loud okie... so yea... sue me...

anyways, along the mrt ride, the blurred line diffuse into my mind and i went into emo state... minus the fact i was playin ma saddest emo songs in ma playlist... so anyways, i cldn't stop thinkin of the seed... in one hand i want to write itz growth and show it to the farmer, on the other hand, i dunno if the farmer actually wants to read abt a seed that he grew... and would he want to see the effect of how the seed grew... wld my effort be appreciated? wld the farmer banish me from his land because i dared to show him a reality tats happening right in front of his garden... i mean, sure, we weren't the best of neighbours.... we didn't talk for quite a while... he was busy tending to his garden, i was busy writing abt the rainbow... but who can deny, a seed from his garden grew in my plot of land... and i do not want to see Jack's beanstalk growing from my land and later having to cut it down... god, i dun really know wat i'm talkin abt now... but i guess, i still know the essence of the story... haha... if i haf to summarise wat i jus wrote, i cld put it in one sentence... haha... okie, maybe abt 3...

arrghhh... at least ma mind's clear of one uncertainty... now i'm not soo confused... except tat i know i might never write abt the seed any time soon... i dun tink i have the courage to cross his border to pass him the letter abt the wonder of his seeds... and i'm scared to write the wonder... nay, i can write abt the wonder... i fear the consequences of doing it... i'm in a way scared of change... i advocate change... but once i get in a comfort zone, i prefer to leave things as it is... but really, tat comfort zone isn't really wat i want nor feel... for i feel deeper and i crave more than jus comfort zone that i could create... i crave for an uncharted comfort zone... a zone, where i only get a few glimpse as i journeyed through my life... and now tat my muse is back, u guys can read loads of my writings... i dun seem to be able to write short stuff anymore... haha... here's a quote in which i try to use, though me bein the backboneless one...
" ... you have to love someone for who they are. Not despite who they are. Not excuse their faults. You have to find someone whose faults you can live with". - Lip Service by M. J. Rose

i dunno y i included in tat quote... but it jus seemed the nice thing to put in there... was reading the book as i was feelin emo in the mrt... anyways, i feel i'm in a limbo... in one hand i want to change, in another, i dun want anything to change... for i fear it will bring the end to what i dreamed abt... but do i want to make it a still a dream or do i want to make it a reality(or a nightmare... whichever way u see it)... and i lie to myself... which brings me to another quote by the same book... though rite now, i'm contented living a semi-lie...
"... you cannot become someone you're not. Your true self will out in the end. Either you make peace with it, or you fight it your whole damn life and live a miserable lie. Which is a lousy waste."

though rite now, i'm contented living a semi-lie... i lie to myself and allow myself to think tat i'm giving myself the space and that making sure that i'm not used... but really, i dun mind being used if tat means that my senses are amplified... and at least i'll feel the high before i feel the low... rather than escape the high so that i'll be saved from the low...

i am lost...

i will admit it... i am making a mountain out of a speck of dust... i am making a small thing get into my head... and i feel confused... i'm unsure of myself... i feel melancholy becos of my inability to make small matter small... and big matter big... probably i'll look back to this day and say, look how dumb i was... probably, i'll look back and ask myself y i didn't know wat to choose... maybe i dun have any concrete thing to hold on to except hope and time... for i hope tis is one thing which time will be able to help me out and quickly... u see, i'm a prick... i can't stay on a rainbow and look at its wonders... i see seven colours, but when i do see another colour, i get excited easily even if the colour might jus be an illusion i accidentally conjured up myself... and thinking, hey, there's a new colour in the rain bow... look, look!!! and off i go to only pay attention to the new colour and let 7 other coulrs unnoticed... but new colours are always prettier than the faded colours... i lose the sense of wonder at old things when new things arrive... and sumtimes, the new things never will last... they hardly do... when was the last time u got sumthin new and it lasted longer than the old thing? arghhhhhhh... now will listen to 'so confused'... will be my new theme song... and i should not discard the real 7 colours of the rainbow...

a day in a girl's shoes in IRC

hahaha... tis is all sri's fault... for makin me go to IRC... so wat bored... posed a girl... sheesh... guys... haiz... at least u'll never be out of guys talkin to ya... haha.. well, so there i was chattin as a girl... wif abt 5 request for cyber sex... and abt 7 others askin for pic after abt 3 lines of introduction... and only 1 decent guy... whom sadly i cant add to msn... muahahahha... anyways, brought me to a whole new dimension of world... i jus realised tat i won't entertain if they asked for a pic... minus the fact tat i cant jus wack any pic i haf in ma library... hahah... and well, if they ask if i'm open-minded, i can carry on a bit... but they're not tat romantic...their idea of foreplay is kissin a bit and den straight to the boobs or stripping the girl naked and stickin their middle finger into the vagina... haiz... hahaha... but it seems as if most are jus ere for anonymour sex... abt 2 wanted phone sex... sheesh... even one was offerin to pay for phone sex... oh well.. anyways, so there i was disturbin guys and tiring ma fingers... haha...

well, todae went for ma driving... i nearly banged 2 padestrian... got ma ass banged by a blue mitsubishi car...luckily only the darn 'L' plate was broken... so not so bad... den went to bugis for a while anyways... den went to meet dila....toadae was a downpour.... everywhere it rained... she passed her final theory test... and where am i?? still abt to take mine... jus went back together... went back online... cldn't resist goin to IRC... shite... might jus be an addict again...haiz...

but todae i posed as a guy... wat the hell, i am a guy... haha... so yea, i was bein myself and jus droppin ppl a line... well, i onli chatted wif one of them... i gotta admit it... i was biased.. it was only becos she was from UWCSEA... i mean, i fell in love wif tat skol when i first entered tat skol wif Aziz... so yea... continued chattin wif her... y she's in tis blog? well, i guess tis is the first person i know from tat skol... haha... so quite a landmark... hahaha... not tat i see her as a landmark la... haha... maybe i didnt asked if she was open minded... hahahaha... so guys, unless u jus wanna haf cyber or phone sex or jus plain horny, dun bother movin too fast...

anyways, along the way, tried to help dila wif her comp which wasn't workin... i cant help her if she can log in and den suddenly log off automatically... so yea... den she went for a long search for her XP cd which she dunno where it is... haha.... and along the way, on the phone, kena a few of her screams which was meant for her bro... haha...

i have found my muse

firstly, to all those who have been visiting ma blog to see an empty page, wif no new updates, i hope u enjoyed the archives... haha... well, well... hmmm... i suddenly found ma muse... she spoke to me softly and softly... and now, suddenly, i found her... haha... always haf to be a 'her' rite?? anyways, i dun really remember the dates and days... so itz gonna be a big junk of messy updates...

all i knew was that i felt withdrawal syndrome after the last entry of ma blog... not of the blog la... haha... so, i went for a few more DYL meetings... which ended mostly at 1am.. haha... there was once where we had meetings like thrice a week... so basically i'm in charge of photography, which jus might change to sound... after bein awarded employee of the week... haha... so well, i guess i'm gonna return to ma first love... and wat brought me to know so many ppl... SOUND... i dunno, it'll be a lil hard to patch up wif sumthin u havent been able to do for quite a while... but i'll manage.... and yes, if there are ppl in charge of wat i wanna do, i usually dun disturb them... so oh well... gave them the whole seires of pictures already...

i'll admit that i forgot the rest of the week... so lets jus start back at tis monday... oh wait... durin the weekend or sumwhere along there... helped zak & his grp wif their specialist shoot... ducky and vick was there... anyways, back to monday... haha.. the only most event tat sticks out most from ma mind... haha... kinda reunited wid duck, aishah and dila... gotta admit, missed sumone helpin me insult other ppl... managed to drag dila along... so met her at chinatown mrt... met adnand and azhani too... been a dam long time since i saw adnand... den, we met duck at banquet @ parkway parade... she gave me the usual msges when ever i came late... like abt 2 sms to tell me to hurry... haha... so itz not soo bad... i believe this was the first time i ever finished up her food... haha... tats weird... hmmmmmmm... oh well, so we walked abt while waiting for nasrul... he then picked us up and as usual, he sped... givin us a real bumpy ride... met aishah and falihin or salihin in the car(okie, so i'll admit i still dunno his name but it sounded like tat) ... we walked abt in geylang and we went to dila's auntie's shop where she picked one set of baju kurung (u ever wonder wat it means if we translated it in english??!!) so there was the 5 of us in the shop... aishah was overly confident of the men's clothes which she tot was the ladies' ... hahaha... den we sat and listened to bangsawan readings as dila tried on her baju kurung... though i still preferred the red one... den when i saw another lady in the same clothes coming out first, i was abt to say 'hey u look...' and it wasn't her... haha... aishah was abt to do the same thing... i sniffed a disaster when she(dila) was abt to come out.... hahaha... oh well, i felt tense... haha... i dunno y... jus a gut reaction... haha... she den tried the black one... as she looked at the mirror, she had the 'i like it but...' look... haha... jus a lil sewing to fix the top... ducky and nas weren't the same tat nite... escalated worst to when she offered dila first and den to me... and after i took a bite and she offered it to nas, it dawned to me, shite... maybe i shldn't haf eaten the darn hotdog... i mean, although i cldn't resist it la... haha...haiz.... and i'm thankful tat dila was there... i wld haf been stickin wif ducky more often the whole journey if not... and all... den we went our separate ways... took the train back wif her...

den tues, helped zak again wif their specialist shoot... tried to talk wif nas when he came back.. but knowing me, i tried to make small talk... and he wasn't really helpin... i guess still need to find a common ground to talk abt... i sure as hell cant talk abt cars... i tink our conversation was like hey... hey... where were u from... home... oh okie... silence... silence... and i walk away after a few minutes since i was called...

todae went to geylang wif sri and amin... later adli joined... anyways, bought deng deng since i never eaten the darn thing before and kebab... den we ate sumwhere near the hdb blocks... it was gonna rain, so we scramed quickly and went to the market's eating place... had iced milo... while on the way, sumone had a quick shower... den we walked back wif adli... amin bought another kebab and i bought the stuffed yeo char kuay(as amin named it)... it was okie la... though 2 bucks was a lil overpriced... haha... i tink i spent abt 9 bucks on food alone... haiz... went back wif sri... took the 161... far i noe, but we had sooo much to update each other... haha...

jus found out dila jus got her new keyboard jus now... so as long as itz not drenched wif A&W, it shld work fine... haha... :p

i found my muse in the lynchee by the way...