auto mode on a manual vehicle

today, i'm stoned... i'm getting by each day as i forget and grow...

this tot chanced upon me as i mused while driving. well, maybe it was inspired from the book house of sand and fog.. the book told abt kathy thinking abt this... "Sometimes I think husbands and wives, maybe they're just meant to get each other farther down the road, you know? Almost like it doesn't really matter whether they stick around for the final act. Is that a sad way to look at it?"

well, tis was wat i managed to produce... sumtimes, life brings you the people you need the most. sometimes they stick with you till the end, sometimes, they just leave you when you want them but dun need them. and u feel an emptyness, but u can still go on. cos you hold that memory that they were there when you most need it. den another person returns to haunt you when you think you've forgotten them.. for me, it has always been like tat. one person enters my life when i really need to forget about someone... and once i forget, they exit from my life... never to return... though sumtimes, no one else comes in to fill that void.

so yea, tat summarises my life of friends... sum stay on... but most of them deserts.. and we drift apart... but thankfully, sum of them, we could jus resume where we left and feel as though no time was spent apart.

though, on a thursday it was just a day like that. i seem to want to forget, and hang out with friends. and forget i did. and then, they forget about me. and the next day, i am forced to recall all that i'm supposed to forget. and till now, it sticks with me. to the point where i am willing to take the next step with my past. so, boldly i will face the future, in hope that the past remains. and i will break my principles, which haf shackled me to the ground in my own safety net. i will go out with attached people. but i guess, she still has to ask me out. *grins*
i guess i need sum complications in my life... makes it more real... i guess i jus think with my heart and not my brains anymore...

so anyways... today helped with the laundry delivery... sumtimes, i'm glad mohd could crap to take my mind off things... i drove blindly.. i wasn't alert... i guess, it was tis mode which i call the robot mode. a mode in which i noe wat to do without thinking. i lapse into stone sessions while driving. i'm aware of my surroundings and what's happening... jus tt it bypasses my brains and goes straight to instinct. ere was even a time, i noe the route but had to ask him where exactly i was goin. heh... so yea

hope i get better come this friday.. we'll see how it turns out. so tats two attached gals i'm goin out with this year alone... sighs... hope i dun become a freaking care bear again... i feel emotionally drained everytime after a few days

here's to the freshmen girl

to a friend who will always, for the life of me, never be fully understood, but always cherished.

whispers of sweet nothings might mean nothing to you
they mean the world to me, for those are the words
which we hang on to, on our lowest point in life
they give us hope, especially knowing they are said
without the intentions of lying or deceptions
i may never know why you hold my hand
but i do know why i do yours
for the are a pillar of strength when i'm with you
knowing things are now much different than when we started
of all those glass emotions always being broken
almost everytime we met, from all the pain we put each other through
till the day we finally met in the hope for truce
and i accidentally tripped over my own trap and set off an explosion
on your railroad carriage and i know i start a cold winter war
you barricaded yourself from pain, and i almost gave up trying to break through
but who would have known, that one day, u let your guard down
and i managed to slip a peace treaty note to you again
you signed it and sumhow, we could go out again normally
until one day, you decide to hold my hand
and we never looked back from then onwards.
i would never know y u did it, but i do know one thing
itz the one thing which i would count on to see how we are
and itz one of the lil details, which i would never forget.
and also, somehow, your hugs which seems to be a good drainer of bad things
as your body melt with mine, nothing seems to matter anymore
no matter the station, the shop, the open air, our surroundings
they just become a blurred view, only me and you

i woke up

i woke up happy today. dun ask me y, i just did. maybe i was a relaxing day after the shoot. played pool wif kamilz, ducky, her sis, and haikal... maybe it was coz i finally heard sumthin which i haf always suspected and suddenly, i'm free from the chains which bogs down his spirit. i dunno... maybe itz cos i jus felt happy after a few days of stuff. maybe itz the cumulative of all the good things which haf happened and after effect of the long sunday morning and afternoon, which i spent sleepin, and den emo-ing all the way to cck...

but i dunno. so let me tell you a story...

one day, a boy woke up from his dreams. he has forgotten almost everything that was important to him. so he goes around walking, his chin up, knowing that his past won't haunt him. den one day, he decides to call up his friend, and to visit tis place, called the Macmanor. so he dials the number shown on the phone, but there was no answer. so, he still meet up with his friend, troubledly confused. so he and TC meet up,they decide to meet another friend, moody(MO). so, as they walk on the road, a letter fell from the sky. it was from another friend, known as the battered orang(TBO). so then, they all met up. now as the boy met TBO, his mind flashes a memory. a memory which he shld haf forgotten. so they all went to a gas chamber cafe and ordered a gas mask so that they all could share and stay alive together. now, sometimes, the boy is a lil addict. so he sumtimes sucks in too much gas before clinging on to the gas mask. he then makes the dumb excuse of not being able to do anythin else, and so ask TBO to top up his heart. so she does just that. and then everyone else follows. and so this continues till they are supposed to leave. so everyone takes one last breathe of fresh air and said their goodbyes. and so, tbo says goodbye and gives the boy a locket, by which he could never hold in his hands, but in his heart. and the locket has always hung around his heart.

okies, so this is quite crappy... lets do a more nicer one.

she left my heart only to return again
i tried to forget her, and i did
only that out lives are so entwined
that we could never leave

you gave me a pair of jewelled earrings
which i wear till now
pseudo earrings which i hang on my cheeks
though they hurt, they remind me of you

and as we walked to the hilltops
we stared at the stars and the black canvas
and you made me touch your wrist
when all i wanted to do was to hold it

you made empty promises
which never seems that you would fulfilled
and i wonder what had happened if i was free
the day you promised heaven's view

would you have kept it?
would you have stood by it?
or would you have stood me up?
for it seems that you had more important tasks.

ms tans

i tink i haf a thing for ms tans who work in the f&b industry... haha... tis wld haf to be the 2nd one already in 2 years... haha... and they're attached... sighs... oh well... met her at tis pre national day concert i was doin in ite bishan... off the shoulder white top wif a red tank top and blue converse shoes... two rings on her right finger... now tat i got tat info in permanancy... on to other things...

well, ere are no other things... so i shall get back to her... arrrghhh... i hate it when i a person occupies my mind and i cld do nuthin.. or rather i dun wan to.. and wats up wif ppl tellin me they're attached after 3 days.. i mean, tis wld haf to be the 2nd time too... cldn't they jus tell me first?? oh well... haha... but it feels good though to feel up and down again... was a long time since i cld feel like tat... the song "scars" aptly embrace wat i feel... esp the "i tear my heart open jus to feel" part... and the song you're beautiful by james blunt wld be a theme song... not jus cos she's beautiful, but rather like the other parts of the song... the melancholic yet filled wif hope and awwwwww moments...

u ever noticed how sumtime lost time cannot be resumed easily and there are loads of silent moments, uncomfortable silence... yet you say the same things, do the same things. jus feel differently. and yet, sumtimes, lost time are jus a nanosecond from the last time you met.

but goddammit... i'm goin to tekong in about 3 weeks time... sighs.. 9th september.. i hope i cld clear my head but then... i really like my head bein muddled... makes me more profound and

and she

and tis gal turns out to know lil miss bimbo and adnand cos they are in the same course and in the same class at sum time.. haha... how sumtimes i'm weirdly linked to miss bimbo at nite(or was it day? or was it all day and nite?? hehe)

heart stealer

today sumone took away my breath and stole my heart. a glass dome playin emo music... but who cares... she was like the first person who i noticed.. and den my waving best fwen behind her... haha... well, didnt really want to pay attention to her la.. but mei zi la kept buggin me abt how she's lookin at me... or at least at tis table where we sat... well, i did kinda haf a crush la... but didnt do anythin jus as yet... as time passes, it seems as if i only asked her for stuff, instead of all the other waitresses... haha.. still remembered askin for a fork... now, it sounded so funny... can i haf a fork please.. well, she did recommended sex on the beach later on.. so i guess we're equal... hehe... here's wat i remembered... red rimmed emo specs and converse shoes.. haha... well, the uniform are all the same... and i tink her name's ain.. sighs... wif 2 rings on her right hand..
made ducky write my no on the tissue flower i made.. and she came up wif the line you stole(or was it took?) my breath away... haha

and now i'm havin a conversation wif an old school mate whom i've never met or seen.. but we're talkin abt ain.. haha.. kinda...

sighs...

wish cld write more, but i'm too emo now