my 3rd eye

i tink alcohol does sumthin to the third eye... jus a tot... and i feel stupid abt writin the other post... but itz good tat i feel stupid now... haha... anger bad, feelin stupid is better than bein angry... whee... and bittersweet, had a great time... wat ever i wrote wasn't abt u... except the rain part.. hahaha...

keep it real, the truth hurts, live with it

on sunday, i was reminded wat i wanted to forget all this while after i finished school and no more IS classes... it was the same feeling... it sucked, but hey, itz abt the same... maybe i shld jus stop doin it... but i shall believe in self fulfilling prophecy and say it was fated, tat it was fated i'm stuck in tat cycle... but really, cant help it... it was almost an exact replica of the third week of skol... i cant stop laughing and then, there... i feel totally out of place... maybe it was the rain, but really it wasnt... didnt want to tell ya at then, tellin ya now... i still feel weird meetin sumone when she's gonna meet sumone else later... itz the same wif ducky & nas, liza & him(i forgot his name) and now u... i dunno... itz jus a weird feelin... makes me feel bad...

okie, so here's another point...tis is another story...

i dunno, but i guess the truth will HURT... yes, it will hurt... we want to open up as a society, we gotta learn to laugh at ourselves... dun take everything too seriously... there's a time to be laughing and a time to be serious... and a time where u want to be serious but u gotta laugh cos what they did contained no malicious... they dun intend to hurt you... they jus lookin for a cheap joint of blunt... so i'm sorry if u are hurt by it... i got hurt and extorted by their quest... but i jus laugh... wats the point... they dun mean to hurt me or my feelings... do you really think they were out to hurt you in the first place...

here's a story i heard... it was a stand up comedian...
here's my version, since i forgot most of it...

you guys ever seen these white guys who vandalise their wasted friends?? and they wake up the next day laughing or beating the shite of of their fwens, methaphorically speaking... well, you try that shite on a black dude and he will kill you... man, you dun do tat to ur dawg man... when a black man sleeps near you, it means he trust you... and u break that trust, u're a dead man... i guess we can split the human race into these two categories...(personally i tink 3)... the serious guys who wont see anythin funny, and the guys who laughs...( i tink the 3rd grp wld be the dun gif a shite grp... they are always the coolest... haha... )

so, i'm kinda pissed off...as always...as mathi said, my blog sound angsty... i guess when i'm pissed, that when i wanna write... and every other strong emotions... so yea... i'm pissed when i can try to see things their way, wifout being a 'stereotyped' singaporean, but other ppl cant see it and glorify this stereotype... go figure what the stereotypes are in the first place... and itz not kiasu-ism... (tats the other things which pisses me off too though, esp when the elderly practices it... sure, there are always sum gems, but most are jus unappreciative-esp the pushy types) i can gif their defence, but i shalln't cos i'm feelin unreasonable and intolerant RITE NOW... yes, only NOW... NOT later... to my friends whom i have talked to before... i'm not talkin abt you... i'm talkin to those who i havent talked to and still feeling what i jus wrote... cos yea, i'm talkin atb you...

back to the part jus before kiasuism... so yea... i'm only complyin because i'm a team player and dun want my neighbourhood to get into trouble... if they didnt tell me anythin, i dun gif a shite what you think of me cos it doesnt mean anything... it wont affect me, i dun thin i'll ever see you anymore at all... but, i will see these ppl i'm complyin wif... and they matter more than your petty opinions... and go ahead wif a war of words... u can write bad stuff abt me... sure, i'll get pissed off if it aint true, but hey, i wrote my blog as a chronicler... i jus record them as i see it... i dun go personal... unless itz my feelings... so i dun wack u unless u did it... but does intention counts?

lets say u didnt break a law... lets a collective goes out to help the elderly... does the diff intentions to help, whether good or jus to feel good matter? wat if u didnt want to help, but it helps u feel better, so u do it... does it really matter? and if u are mean to a person, does the intention to be mean or jus accidentally mean really matter? well, i guess we shld not over exagerrate anythin.. cos it will haunt you when u jsu meant a small thing... like if i said, i wanna make sure u die, i really meant i wanna get u back... but wat i said abt u cld be used against me, if u are threatened... so, another lesson learnt... if i want you to be hurt real bad, i'll jus say i hope ur life will be great... can u sue for written sarcasm?( i guess tats called false innuendo) i can defend on basis on zen and general well bein and karma... and i really hope u haf a nice life even if u've been an asshole(or shld i say a nice person) to me... or i cld jus defend on the basis that u do not fulfill the 3 criterias for defamation... haha, jus tryin to apply wat i learnt in skol...

so to whoever i'm writin to, itz for you, cos i really dun know who i'm writin to... but u're out there... sumwhere in the world... and itz for you... cos u're such a petty person... crying over spilled milk cos ur sibling spilled it... i dun hear my brother cryin out tat i've been bullyin him(okie so he did, but wats the point, ur parents gonna scold ya, den u continue doin it)... but think abt the consequences... before u start doing anything... wld u enjoy depriving ur brother of another opportunity to participate in any other family activities? think things through before you act. i'm not that affected, but i think for others... have you.. i may haf hurt you personally, but i didnt hurt ur reputation... and think abt it, i guess u jus never been to much social gatherings... wat are those wifout laughter? even if u're the butt? u can look back and have stories to tell... i haf... u have... but are u proud to have them? den i guess u're not comfortable with ppl and opening up... and then i'm sad for you... i am sumtimes guilty and i'm sad for MYSELF too sumtimes...

but i live on... i get make fun of, i'm pisssed... i'm always pissed when i'm the butt of a joke... but hey, i laugh on... and well, itz always funny later on...

well, hey, if i wasnt the cause of your dissatisfaction, den hey... at least i learnt sumthin abt myself... haha...

ere, i dun feel so pissed off alraedy... i tink i'll just put back my pacifier since it didnt work when i was pissed off...

hmmm, wat are dreams?

okie... here's a crazy dream... i dreamt i was an archer king or commander... and my castle was under seige... so ere we were, shooting arrows and it seems i was an experienced commander cos i cld tell wat was missing and how to operate tactical formations which i haf no ideas abt. i knew we weren't to shoot arrows yet till it reaches range and i cld shoot arrows within cms away from the intended target. i was skilled in the crossbow too cos i was using it later on. i was commanding these few lazy asses who were sittin on one of the parapets and jus lookin out. so i shouted at them to meet me at the bottom of the tower, since ere were too many of them at the parapet. so den they met, and we went to a supermarket to get more arrows... haha... now it gets weirder... so went to the supermarket, got our arrows.. abt a few basketfull of them... den i was in a cultural show of my enemies. armed wif my crossbow, i was shootin the actors one by one and they cried.after a few of them went down, they announced that i should not cheat and play fairly... den me and a few others got into a red sports car and drove off... hahaha... yea...

den last nite, i dreamt i was shooting wif these young camera crew. we were in front of a elderly care home and it was sumone's whom we do not speak the name of. so were shootin in front at the entrance... there were a few other crew... den, tis young security guard came out to ask to see the video, if not, he will destroy the tape... so i rewound the tape and showed him the parts which cld be seen... those which were illegal shots of the place was not seen by him and he jus let us go... and the other film crew got caught... den was woken up cos had to go to work... haha...

last nite bbq @ jerome's place... huge thanks to benita, gops, jerome who cooked(mostly benita, at least i always saw her at the bbq pit) haha... it was edible and i wasnt sick, so itz okie... hahahaha... i just learnt wat ppl considered strong, i didnt... but i'm not addicted, i jus cld take a lot... heeee.... had the kurant one... whee... though was a bit high today... when i was walkin to mediacorp... haha.. den it was okie... whee... sherman was wasted, wat wif chilli sauce and all... shite... haha... benita kena 96... again.... hahaha... had loads of fun... everythin else is mums... hahaha... i was a good boy... nuthin happened... really... haha... cld ask everyone who was ere... i jus knew i was a lil high... haha...

todae, got a letter tat tells me i graduated wif merit... though not gettin any cash... hahaha... i'm so narrow minded... and the job i apply for never asked for my paper qualifications... oh well, maybe when i decide to teach... hahaha... wheee... didnt expect to get tat... haha... esp since my last sem's grade sucked... B for both IS (but i gif WISP an AD, wif wat was experienced wif tat class, and the ppl ere... heh...) AD for surround sound(i tink the grades was moderated cos my exam papers sucked and my first assignment got a B), A+ for specialist project, and C for media law... i tink my last exam sucked... haha... oh well, i still got either AD or the highest for all my sound modules... but i still feel as if i do not know loads of things... in fact, i feel inadequately taught... but oh well, we all learn thru the greatest teacher, MISTAKES... sumtimes costly, sumtimes by others... i've been doin post most of the time tat i suddenly forgot abt production... and only after abt 3 days at work that i actually got the hang of it... not i'm super organised back... haha... i dunno, seems my life might be takin me thru the production path. wat will happen to my live sound path? i guess different lobang... but the pay's great... and i actually started as a boom operator on my first try... skipped the shite... so i dunno... hmmmm... oh well.... i guess i shlod jus thank my lucky star... and the guys ere were great, esp kenny...

so now, a few days off...takin my baby, i tink i'm gonna name her khelena, ya, meet khelena... my always spoilt digi camera who has been thru loads wif me and brought me many friends, sum whom i'm close to... and many more that she's done for me... ros, joel and hambril also enjoy her company... hahaha... so i guess we have to part to send you to the hospital again... and get another cleaning cloth from canon.. so tis will be my 3rd cloth... hahaha...

den watchin a movie i guess...den goin off to vick's house to help him wif the computer...

who's sad at this very moment?

today, at 4.50 pm, i felt that sumone i noe is crying or really sad... i dunno who it is, but i noe of u guys is really sad... i cld offer nuthin, but hope that ur tears dry up quickly.

blogs: an expression of the mind

i dunno how u ppl see blogs. but i see it as a mode of expression. i guess, personally, itz more than jus an avenue to rant and rave. it is how i keep myself from exploding or bein stressed out or anythin too extreme. i write it down, it enters cyberspace, it leaves my body. pure, simple and unadulterated. i pass down no judgement, i do not betray any secrets. i write it as a 3rd person. for i can hardly associate myself with the person in writing. it makes it more neutral. disbelieve me if you will, but it has always been that way. i guess itz my defence mechanism. i run away from pain, sorrow, joy, happiness, fears, the world. i leave the person in question and become a neutral 3rd party. how i disassociate myself, i guess itz my gift, honed through the years. my mind speaks most when i keep quiet and hold a pen or keyboard or use my hands for sign language. though most do not understand sign language, it has been my substitute for the pen and keyboard... maybe tat explains y i hardly write in my poem book anymore...

sure, ppl get slam for their blogs. ppl get called hypocrites in their blog. but hey, who really speaks their mind? there are always more things to say in retrospect, when the mind clears of all prejudice emotions... once we are prejudiced, we are open to a whole array of free arsenal to hurt the other person. and when we keep quiet, sumtimes, it becomes another weapon. whether intentionally or not, in the interest of not hurting more... in the name of not sayin things which will make the matter worst cos u are abt to say sumthin which you will regret later on, for it was not worth saying.

so i write this entry to say, wat ever is written, is history for me. the way i deal with my problems and troubles in life. things which affected me. things which i want to get rid of by making it permanent. as much as it is paradoxical, it works. i feel nothing for the me of yesterday, i feel for today. i guess this is my way of clearing stuff up. sadly as it is ineffective practically, it is the way my brain works.

it isnt because of me. but i only haf a limited peripheral vision. i see a consequence, i see the effect. wat more can u deduce?

afgan guy meets swedish gal

so here's a nice story:

one fine day, an afgan meets a swedish gal in the desert. they got along pretty fine, but sumtimes they were born into two different cultures. and with all cross cultures, there's bound to be mishaps and misunderstandings. they dun speak the same language, they dun practice the same culture, they dun think the same, they dun express their emotions the same way. the afgan guy takes on the role of the quiet one, while the swedish gal takes on the role of the talkative ones... itz rather that, he's been used to bein the quiet one, and she the more verbal one. but the afgan guy likes to write... in fact he writes instead of talkin... so his deepest tots are rooted to what he writes not wat he speaks. so much so that sumtimes, he doesnt say very much when the situation arises and needs him to talk. he jus sadly says okie, which infuriates her to some extent. to him, he could reply or say anythin, so he says okie. doesnt mean he dun care abt anything, jus that he has nuthin to say at all at that moment. but let him sleep over it, and he'll be replying one by one, though usually he doesnt cos the moment's gone, and he only writes abt it. and sadly, he likes to live and see his life as a tragedy. so much so it has become a habit.

so sumtimes, his actions are wat defines his, even if he doesnt mean it... so one day, his heart melted, under the scorching sun... and later, he was treated to ice cream and his heart was ice cold. for it was a special type of ice cream. and he lived his life wif the frozen heart for abt a few hours before a voice warmed his soul back. it wasn't the main reason his heart melted, but it was a catalyst, which induced an internal kindness and feeling tat he has neglected the sun and how it warmed him up. but the sun saw pity in his eyes and never rose ever again. and it told him to forget abt the sun. forget it ever rose in the morning, for the planets revolve around the sun and not vice versa. the sun needs only itself to burn fiercely, the sun dun need the planets. so the afgan boy sits quietly and ponders about all that has been said. for the afgan boy wonders, if his actions speaks of pity rather than concern.

so he asks a scientist what happens if the sun has no planets revolving around it. the scientist gave no answer for the question stumped him. so he went to ask the ustaz. wat happens? again, is time, he offers an answer which didnt really struck a chord to him. and he sees a lil gal one day, and decides to ask her what she tot about it. to which the little girl replied, 'then the sun would really be lonely now wldn't it? and if it does happen, den i guess the sun got wat it wanted, but does it really want to live all by itself? we cant do anythin abt the sun, it is too far away from us.' and so he continues his journey back to the desert.

there, he meditated for a while, allowing wat ever light to engulf him. so he woke up the next day. and wondered abt the pity part. he could only say okie. for he sees wat he has done and how it was interpreted. and he cant do much anymore.

he came without any expectations when he left his house, and came back knowing sumhow, his expectations was present. he left his home hoping to see the world, jus to understand it. and he returned home, after being told he would never understand it and to return home, when he tried his best to live in the foreign world. he returned home, alienated from the foreign world, yet feels uncomfortable in the safety net of his own world. he then opened his book, and retold and wrote of his adventures. and today, he was accused by the sect of his community that wat he wrote was blasphemous, that he shld have consulted the elders first before trying to spread false teachings to the community. but he stood there, thinking, " i never shared anythin much to the community. i jus wrote a little of my experience and what troubled me during the voyages. i do not intend to spread my faith in order to topple yours. and i didnt tell you first cos i never said much".. but he jus kept quiet. for these thoughts came to him only when he went back home after the elders dismissed him from their presence.

so he finds solice in writing. sumtimes, he wonders, things will go bad when the communication medium is different. if he writes in arabic and she talks in french, wldn't it frustrates the other person if no one changes and tries to learn the other language or medium? but more of the medium. if they both understood french, but one writes and the other speaks, wld the writer be seen as not caring or even bothered, if he dun speak? but the writer never did see anythin wr0ng if one cant write french.

so the written word and the spoken word. the afgan boy just wasn't built to speak. he was built to write. and hope tat ppl wld try to understand the quiet afgan boy sitting at his corner, writing in his book. for he speaks and is boisterous, just that he cant be heard. he is boisterous in his mind when he can speak wifout opening his mouth. for he cometh forth to the world wifout much expectations, except tat ppl be nice if he is nice. and yet, he is willing to learn different cultures if given time and is welcomed by the culture holder. sadly, he is a believer tat if u can start a prank, u can receive a prank in return. but he just never practices it.

how bout we try again?

how do i begin?
(i am writin tis with no malice tone, think rather a reflective bursting tone)( i still think this post will make matter worst, but hey, i'll be surprised if it can get any worst)(wat i type now may not be right or correct, but tis is how i felt wat happened, unless u're willing to tell me anythin more, den at least misunderstandings wont occur, i cant read ur mind babe, i can sympathise with you, but i cant emphatise with ya)

maybe i shld start lying? yeah, tat'll shield the pain away... let you live a lie. i mean, y not right? white lies. wat harm do they do? so y dun i jus lie and tell you sweet nothings which will comfort you? i guess cos i dunno what happened to ya? and y not? cos u never wanted to tell me in the first place... maybe i didnt press you, but u'll jus avoid it anyway and turn away.. so i never will press you for anythin... maybe i shld have jus told ya i do consider you a good friend... or not offer more of my feelings abt how i was hurt when you ignored me in full glory of ur best friends, jus because of what happened to ya. wat ever abt me? why do i even expected anythin from me u say? maybe i've been nuthin but nice to ya? and i get hurt everytime... sumtimes i wonder why we are nice to ppl who hurt us the most? i guess i can understand y sumtimes abusive husbands get away and their wives never seem to want to separate from them... i dun live my life as a tragedy, but i got used to it... we can get used to anything if we stay ard it for long periods of time.

sure, today i got the same u put on ur earphones and ignored me treatment, but it was only for a quite a while... beside that, i actually had a nice time, till we were on our way to the train... den i had to spoil it la by tellin u extra details which i cld haf jus omitted or told ya a nicer version... but no, i decided to be bluntly honest wif ya... though u inculcalated the sense of honesty wif ya... u noe how they say actions speaks louder? so here's a question to ponder:

is it better that the road to hell is paved with good intentions or the road to heaven is paved with not so nice intentions?

i guess count me the fool for choosing to do nice things with wrong intentions. i guess itz the intelluctual's flaw. pure deeds must be accompanied with pure intentions. i'm not talkin abt ulterior motives, but motives which are not 100% what the actions is portrayin. sure, the guys might haf a little influence over y i asked how u were, but most of it was internal. i didnt guess it was serious. y u asked? cos i was blinded by hurt. ur actions seemed to tell me to FUCK off!! what are u doin in front of my face... i'm too good to even say hi, no matter how bad my day was.
cos itz never too bad to say back a hi to a friend. andto one whom u want to be considered a good friend? i guess i hope u think abt that.

how can i lie to u and say u are a good friend when the past few times, i never felt comfortable with you around(till today, i actually felt great, esp after we left starbucks...i've gotten over the uneasy feeling i usually had when u were ard)... u simply ignored me when i was saying hi to you... it was a small matter to say the least... but it was a great flame of unfriendly-ness... so, i cant say u are my good friend yet...we cant hold a 5 min discussion of anything...

i hope u understand why i said wat i said... and itz okie if u dun, cos i dun expect you to.

fuck it, i'm tired... wats the use? i cant talk to ya... i cant think of stuff to talk abt... the only time i had a great time was the same as when i first see tears and pain in ur eyes... so, will what we haf built today be jus ruins? i dunno... i'm willing to rebuild it if u are willing to rebuild it with me. so how bout we give it a try?

sweet silence

i read sumwhere that young ppl never understand the meaning of comfortable silence unlike the old folks. they always replacing the serene silence with one of constant chatter, covering every silent moment they could with talk. well, i guess yesterday i learnt what it meant to have a comfortable silence( or is it tat i tink i'm gettin old den)... maybe i experienced it before, but i never did remember it. so, to the one who pointed out what a sweet silence means, this goes out to ya...

anyways, my skin in now peeling... so no need to get whitening moisturisers... the burnt skin is now peeling, so i feel as if i'm havin sum diesase that is making my skin peel... but itz quite revitalising, peeling the burnt away... almost as if u are peeling layers of urself and watever tat has burnt me in the past and throwing it away... a type of rebirth... i'm still peeling the skin, dunno if itz good or not... arrghh, the wonders of not wearing sun block...

went to watch Guess Who yesterday... it was quite nice, really, loved the race issues, wat was talked previously... though it was kind of like meet the fockers... and here's the funny part... while on the bus, tis indian man(whom i tink is drunk) and tis chinese man...

I.M: u laughing at me huh? making fun fo my skin is it?
C.M: (in a really smooth voice) no. y shld i make fun of you. u tell me la.
I.M: den jus now u were laughing at me.
CM: i wasnt laughing at you. now u tell me when i laughed at you.u were the one who said i was makin fun of your skin.
IM: i remembered wat you said.jus now wat.
CM: bla bla bla
IM: bah, ok ok, nvm...

den there was silence for a few seconds before the indian man decides to start the same issue again...
i was a few seats in front, half asleep, hand in my pocket, ready for a fight and for me to stop them... dunno wat i'll do la, but i was kind of mentally prepared... i guess i wld haf tried to restrain the indian man, cos he was the one who started the y are u makin fun of me shite... as the words of simon green, "i'm not gonna say anything, u'll just think i'm a racist"...
so later, off to work on the tamil series(if i dun get cancelled, since he hasn't msged me the location yet)... the grip guy(i dunno how u spell his name but it sounds like kelny) is a very a nice guy... he saw me before, though i dunno where and he dun either...

i dunno, i feel weird how i always want sumone to be there, yet, when they are there, i dun want them to be there...

anyways, i want to try ice skating... to the wld be ice skating teacher of mine, i'll msg ya when i'm not workin, either tat or when i start work late...