here's a month's update:
had the greatest route marches he ever done.. 24 km was no shite man... but the feeling when it ends, it was devastating. a few days before the march, i get a msg. and it says dun bother to contact me anymore. how does he reacts to this msg. he takes painkillers and numbs himself. he pretends itz okie and the army will keep him distracted. which it does. but some day, sumwhere, the painkillers will wear off and he regains his senses and is no longer numb. that day just had to happen after a glorious 24km. as we reached campsite, it rains. and with every rain, the private's emotional defences fail.
he stares at ripples forming on the ground and all he could think is how the perfectly calm life he had, ripples with a drop of water and turns chaotic. the calm water mirrors his heart and suddenly drops of pain falls in and it is never clear anymore. and the most important part is that he never knew what hit him and y it hits him. and he knows like will never be the same again.
and so he goes up to his bunk to see 5 msges for him. he reads each one a thousand times. re reading it to confirm the reasons why he was left behind but yet it never makes sense.. but hey, love never does. and he hopes she finds herself before she finds someone else. so he thinks back. maybe he shldn't be sooo sweet. but then again, he wldn't be himself if he wasn't. so he wonders...
and in camp, he spends his time in complete solitude and mingles with spirits who bothers him and finally gives him peace. and all those plans he has when he leaves tekong for a while, is thrown into the sea. and he penns something, something to ease his mind. something to console himself.
And each pawn wonders
who's the sick chessmaster
who makes them ponder
about their doubts and fears
We will be given what we need the most
And when we need it anymore
it gets taken away from us
Or do we just push it away?
When we thought it would stay
We are hardly given a burden
By which we can't handle
whether we pull thruogh as expected
or falter somewhere along the way
That, we never could say
So now I sit here and wonder
What made you push me away
You give me a part of you
But you stole a part of me
which i was not ready to lose
you stole my heart, tore it up
and said you're sorry
And i guess I'm sorry too
for not making my paper heart
into something more durable
He reflects back and thank god for giving him someone to think about to gain strength and pull through his BMT period. although it was taken away from him when he least expects it, he could now smile and say if i never had her to think about in BMT, i never knew how i would survive. and so he does survive it and now she leaves him. and he pulls through another heartbreak. and the most serious one he ever had. and what dun kill him only makes him stronger. and he now looks ahead. heading into a new direction, yet hoping that maybe one day, she'll come back. and locked away in a white box is a pink mug. yet he doesnt know if he'll ever use the mug. it was a parting gift. she gave him a mug and he gives her a cd.
anyways, on to less depressing stuff... POP... it was a different atmosphere during POP. it wasn't as grand as I expected... but it could reduce a man to tears and make them the proudest person around. i swelled with pride as i see my parents came down from the grand stand. but this moment was just one person short. but i stood tall and tried not to think of her. so took loads of pics with the sergeants.. or rather one pic with each of the sergeants.. vern was ere too.. so at least i got to take a pic with him..
so as i walked out of the ferry terminal.. tis image of a man standing.. around him the pillars of the jetty and behind him, the sun was setting and flanking the settin sun were two islands.. and that was the image of freedom for me.. at least for a while...
jus now watched 50 first dates.. sure i'm a sucker for these movies.. but this moment was more sublime... and sumhow, i dunno... tears formed up all over again.. just as lucy was about to break up with egg head, i get a msg... i paused the film to read the msg.. and she asks for forgiveness for hurting me and i'm thinking.. i'll just reply after the movie.. and continued with the movie and it continues with them breaking up.. and at that moment, it welled up and burst. and i jus dunno.. as much as i cld deceive myself i gotten over her, i still need time to slowly heal...
i have already started to delete her msges.. i needed more strength to get over her... and though we spent little time, each time we met, i had to go through a mile. and these long rides and mentally drained physical body alway listened to the energetic mind and heart of mine. and no matter how drained and only wantin to sleep i was, i sumhow managed to drag myself to the west of the country and meet up with her for maybe 1 to 2 hour before rushin home to go back to camp. and the more hardship we suffer, the more memorable things are... and so here's a summary on my next post.