how does it feel?

how does it feel to see a glass shattered while wrapped in cloth?
how does it feel to feel numbness while poision runs thruogh your vein?
how does it feel to be continuosly injected with poison and its antidote?
How does it feel to feel lost while following the beacon's light?
how does it feel to cry dry tears?
how does it feel to forget something memoriable?
how does it feel to be pushed over the edge into a floor of spikes, while under the spikes lies heaven?
i really don't know how it feels... but i felt like that....

so today marks emo day number 2... i dun like emo days when i haf to work... i dun mind if i'm bored and be emo la... but it affects my work drastically... and my driving... well, at least when i was goin home with suf... had to stop at the gate to refocus, after nearly hitting a car and the gate while goin out... but i guess wldn't haf been so bad... i was sitting on the red soft sofa with suf, and suddenly pang... it hits me... so a few seconds of emoness and shireen calls me over and they started askin who was the gal they saw me with... well, told them my friend... sure a few more teasing, but i hope shireen understood... was never tat serious in tellin her sumone's jus a friend...

i need time to fade away from my make believe world... and return to tis world... where everything's much more dangerous and well, much more cruel... i sumtimes need to continually lie to myself to walk on this earth proudly and without fear... and i need to do more these few days before i can switch back to my normal mode(if ere is such a thing, but i guess normal is wat is before sumthin drastic happens)... usually i dun get too emo... i dunno... i usually have to keep reminding myself...

i finally understand why sum ppl wld want to be very bitter to sumone... i guess, it makes them feel better... easier to hate than love... sure they will mean it at the specific time, but feelings change... at the the attacker's will... the victim will always be left with a scar they cld never erase... and usually, tats when the attacker becomes the victim... so, can a carebear become bitter? maybe for a few days... but wats most important is that he dun show it... cos really, itz jus for 1 or 2 days... no use being bitter for a few days when after tat, u'll be just the usual u and still want the friends whom u wld haf been bitter to... i guess my running nose compliments my mood the past few days... dripping uncontrollably when u dun want to to... causes asphyxiation by sumtimes blocking one or even both nostrils... to sri and ducky who will haf to hear my whines durin my emo days... esp sri...

"so pardon me while i burst into flames
....
So pardon me while i burn, and rise above the flame
Pardon me, pardon me. i'll never be the same.
Not, two days ago i was having a look in a book
And i saw a picture of a guy fried up above his knees
I said i can relate
Cause lately i've been thinking of combustication as a welcomed vacation from."

pardon me - Incubus

how does it feel?

how does it feel to see a glass shattered while wrapped in cloth?
how does it feel to feel numbness while poision runs thruogh your vein?
how does it feel to be continuosly injected with poison and its antidote?
How does it feel to feel lost while following the beacon's light?
how does it feel to cry dry tears?
how does it feel to forget something memoriable?
how does it feel to be pushed over the edge into a floor of spikes, while under the spikes lies heaven?
i really don't know how it feels... but it felt like that....

so today marks emo day number 2... i dun like emo days when i haf to work... i dun mind if i'm bored and be emo la... but it affects my work drastically... and my driving... well, at least when i was goin home with suf... had to stop at the gate to refocus, after nearly hitting a car and the gate while goin out... but i guess wldn't haf been so bad... i was sitting on the red soft sofa with suf, and suddenly pang... it hits me... so a few seconds of emoness and shireen calls me over and they started askin who was the gal they saw me with... well, told them my friend... sure a few more teasing, but i hope shireen understood... was never tat serious in tellin her sumone's jus a friend...

i need time to fade away from my make believe world... and return to tis world... where everything's much more dangerous and well, much more cruel... i sumtimes need to continually lie to myself to walk on this earth proudly and without fear... and i need to do more these few days before i can switch back to my normal mode(if ere is such a thing, but i guess normal is wat is before sumthin drastic happens)... usually i dun get too emo... i dunno... i usually have to keep reminding myself...

i finally understand why sum ppl wld want to be very bitter to sumone... i guess, it makes them feel better... easier to hate than love... sure they will mean it at the specific time, but feelings change... at the the attacker's will... the victim will always be left with a scar they cld never erase... and usually, tats when the attacker becomes the victim... so, can a carebear become bitter? maybe for a few days... but wats most important is that he dun show it... cos really, itz jus for 1 or 2 days... no use being bitter for a few days when after tat, u'll be just the usual u and still want the friends whom u wld haf been bitter to... i guess my running nose compliments my mood the past few days... dripping uncontrollably when u dun want to to... causes asphyxiation by sumtimes blocking one or even both nostrils... to sri and ducky who will haf to hear my whines durin my emo days... esp sri...

"so pardon me while i burst into flames
....
So pardon me while i burn, and rise above the flame
Pardon me, pardon me. i'll never be the same.
Not, two days ago i was having a look in a book
And i saw a picture of a guy fried up above his knees
I said i can relate
Cause lately i've been thinking of combustication as a welcomed vacation from."

pardon me - Incubus

my bittersweet teen years

i guess, todae wld be the most fascinating bithday i ever spent... certainly, the rollercoaster in my life... wat a way to start your post teen years...

woke up quite chirpy... dunno y also... den got damn pissed off cos sri came late... met jason boon on the bus to skol... when i was already on my way, sri tells me she's gonna be an hour late... so wasted abt one hour in skol, tryin to kill time by playin chess and stuff on the mac... den started work i guess... guess, after a few hours of work, we became crazy... we were jus laughing and shouting at each other... as usual... i guess, as sri puts it, we jus might be the only grp who shouts at each other jus for the hell of it to laugh out loud... haha... den went to eat at SIM... and went for rehearsals... well, rehearsals was okie i guess... ducky came... she's helpin out too... so quite fun la... den, i dunno, decided to meet k for dinner/early supper... den got abt 7 straight smses from ppl at DYL and who ever was ere... goes to Juan, Ave, Lin, Ben, Hambril, Ros, Joel(i tink tats all)... haha... den got to know they were at raffles place... so went to meet them before meetin k... haha...

oh yea, before i left rehearsals, the peeps at TAPAC were like singing happy birthday song... after ed held onto my hands before i left... so goes out to eddy, fared, affan, ducky, citra, shireen, najib, isham, suf... did i miss out anyone else? after meetin the peeps at raffles place, got another song from them... haha... whee... den went down to meet k... went to eat at lau pa sat... she didnt really want to eat... so oh well, had satay... sent her till her mrt station... ere, we kinda hung ard the station till the announcement told me i had to get my ass on the train before i missed the last train to punggol...

so, in between that, i guess, well... i dunno how to say it... i guess i fall one less than the number of times i get up... well, it wasnt tat bad of a fall... had loads of cushions and paddings to fall on... she broke my heart gently... and i thank her for that... i guess tis was my most gentle fall i ever took... so we're jus friends then... and yea, i do fall easily... but i get up quite well too... and it will pass... tis wld be the last entry before i close my teenage years and another chapter of repetitive history...

and yea, i really dun noe if i'm looking for a serious relationship... i guess i'm not looking.. if it happens, it happens... if not, i'll continue life... but i guess life brings me another path... i got NS to do in a few mths... den might be stayin out in florida for a few years... so, sumtimes, i really dun know... i guess i'll jus go with the flow and take things as it happens...

so, well, we said out goodbyes... i guess it was the best goodbye i ever said... i dunno... it was jus filled with bitter sweetness... never haf i felt happy yet sad at sayin goodbye... well, maybe when my parents left for their pilgrimage... eh no... i was filled more with sadness... though along the train, i only replayed the goodbye... can i say i dun remember any of the words u said, jus the emotional whirlpool i felt... and tat goodbye... lets see how it turns out in the end... well, i guess it will never change how i feel... well, maybe it will... haha... well, i can look back and say, my 20th birthday was a blast!!!

and even though i got no prezzzies... i guess, i did get a great bdae present from ya... i guess how i survive, is tat i cld never remember the negative... cos all tat fills my mind and pushes the negative away is the one positive thing... wer'e still friends... and well, the hug... so 2 things...

and the song tourniquet helped a bit... but i'm okie now... wheee... i still say i had a blast yesterday...

so to everyone, Lin(haf to put u first la eh... for all tat we've been thru), ducky(meetin me durin rehearsals, minus the fact she's supposed to be ere), ave(i dunno wat to say actually), ben(for his guitar playing ability while everyone else sang the bdae song), joel(he gave me a bit of his ice cream), ros & hambril(for bein my fans of the photos i took), juan, fairoz(i tink tats how u spell his name), shireen(for bein my fav SM of all time), citra, najib, eddy, isham, fared, suf(the easily kancheong-ed guy), farah & dayana(who are hardly separated), sri(whom we shout at almost every time we see each other and laugh it out loud), lester, (the sumtimes weird ass guy who joins us), amin(for the prank we pulled on him jus before we left).... and lastly, k... who brought me on a roller coaster ride of my life and lookin foward to more roller coaser rides... as long as she doesnt break any more things... *grins*

and those i may haf forgotten in sum ways... ohhh... wait... and benita(dunno for wat la, but she's been very nice to me all along)... heh... and whom i'll be spending 2 weeks with in cambodia... along wif another 20 other ppl i tink... or was it jus 19? oh well... wheee... so i close my teenagehood....

memoirs of vanilla coke

for sumone who really wants to forget abt it, i sure cant hold my word to it... in the end, as much as i dun want to care, i still do... i still worry tat sumthin might happen... i dunno... me suppposedly being the liberal one, i sure worry abt you... though i may say have fun, deep inside i pary nuthin happens to ya... i dunno, i'll say i wont interfere with your choices, but sumtimes i ponder abt the wat ifs... and wld i really regret being so liberal... my parents gave me that faith... and todae i learn how hard it must have been for them to let me go... for all tat i've done, i'm still okie... i guess, itz the protectiveness you feel for sumone... and i guess i never felt like this for anyone, till tonite... maybe i'm jus gettin older... haha... but really, the malay show i was watching wasnt really helping to ease me... lets jus put it, a lot of shite happens to the two characters... sighs... okie fine, so i cant forget abt her... nor do i want to... cos well, i dunno... i guess i still like her... so k, if u do read tis, pretend u didnt cos i wont really tell u i haf a blog... unless u ask... haha... sighs...

i guess i've fallen again... i guess when u called in the afternoon, everything was sealed when u called... okie... haha... now i'm typin as u run for ur bus and hearing the wind blow... and so, lin's final words last nite did finally make sense... haha... i guess i got my sanity back... and i kinda feel refreshed... haha... i got to be in skol at 9 tomz... and wat? spend my bdae in skol and at rehearsals... sighs... quite depresssing...

todae was my first whole day at home... quite liberating le to jus be in ur room and do nuthing except sound and edit photos.. haha... wheee... well, i guess will haf to sleep now to wake up early tomz... or maybe not... sumthin else i need to do....

fcuking carebear

sumtimes i jus get tired of bein a freaking carebear... being one only sucks you of energy and makes u pissed off if u keep hearing the same thing over and over... y cant i jus stop it? i dunno, maybe cos i was born with the carebear syndrome... and sumtimes, u dun really want to hear of things... maybe cos i'm a good listener, accordin to one... but wat else can i do?? i dunno, i'm jus feelin drained... and nuthin to charge me up.. sure, tuesday was sumthin... and sunday... but i tink, tues drained me more than it did on sunday... sighs... i dunno... oh well... farggit...

sumtimes i really dun want to hear abt how u haf a crush on sumone else... esp when i feel the same way for you... sumtimes, i dun want to noe ur probs with ur crush... cos i haf to put up a front... a front to tell u to try and work things out... a front to try and make u think otherwise... a front which i sumtimes do out of duty cos i haf to no rite to destroy anythin... except myself...

i tink i'm burnt out already... itz not the stress, itz jus physical exhaustion.. to the point where i jus dun gif a shit abt wat ppl tink of me as procrastinate and delay their work... as for tis week, i cant wait for it to all end... and start production week where itz much more fun... and mutu's project will be completed(4 man job is quite a stressful thing when u handle it all alone)... no point gettin angry at my grpmates for not comin... itz already skol's end... jus take the credit for wat u did... so now, i suck... i tink we shld jus be like another liza and me... cos i guess i shld jus forget abt it... cos i dun really want to go out too often as friends... cos i already told you my stand...

i find the weirdness fascinating

hmmmmmm...

jus a gentle reminders, pls dun be confused wif the 2 liz in my life....
went to siloso beach to catch the loads of performances ere... went to lyz's place to pick her and the cake up... den went for a bit of a detour since i took a wrong turn sumwhere along the cte/aye/pie.... ended back at south buona vista road b4 finding my way back... called lin but she didnt pick up.... so was on my way there... well, one side had a gig, and the other had a beach soccer tourney goin on... whee... was happily camera triggering... since jus bought a 1gig memory card... so had loads of pics tat i cld take... in large formats... wheee.... so there i was clicking away without thinking if i will run out of memory card or not la... den met ave ere first... so was ere taking pics of the bands and any other distractions... whoopeee... met jingxi ere... well, she called out my name as i walked past her and i was like... crap... who's tat... haha... but luckily i remembered a pic we took together... then was like, hey jing xi... haha... phew... paiseh sia not rememberin ur friends from a few years back... so in between, met kevin and khai... hmmm... the 2 new ppl i noe has the names startin wif k... ok den... haha... sheesh... and guess wat, they both used my camera... kevin was takin a few shots... den lent it to khai... well, was skankin sumwhere at the back... i noe i'm off beat to the song... but after 3 songs, i was doin fine... den khai comes to me to say, sumthin wrong... sighs... the dam shutter wont open... oh well... so went to the outskirts of the beach with her take out the lens and see the insides of the body... hmmm... sounded wrong... haha.. so yea, tats when i realised the shutter wont open, even if i set it to sensor clean mode... so dam... cldn't take the pic of BA and LT... though i got a few before hambril took a bad fall... den, well, walked ard with khai to find for vanilla coke... went until the delifrance side... den went back since cldn't find it... in between saw an underaged flasher... den went to the side where u can rent canoes, before seeing it... haha... so like the 3rd person who gets high on vanilla coke... i forgot who was the 2nd, since the first is lin... haha... so ere i was, still emo wif my 'just got back from repairs' camera not functioning again...
though i noe itz not her fault since her last image was tis overexposed image... so no knocks ere... haiyo... oh well, i guess it was for the better the camera was spoilt... i dunno how the world works, but ere is always a silver lining behind every cloud... and i tink i saw and felt tat silver lining... so, i didnt feel too sad about the camera being spoilt... and watever it may be, i hope it wont magnify the sadness later on... just as every cloud has its silver lining, supressed emotions tend to erupt... haha... woah, gettin philosophical ere... hahahhahaha... hmmmm... wheeee... den went for sum sheesha at ktm wif the rest... abt 10 of us.... 2 pipes... basically, me, ave, kc & jamie shared one pipe, the rest shared the other... arrghhh... my brains stopped working the moment my camera stopped working... but the heart still works, so i haf hope for my camera and me... mauhahahhaha... dunno wat i'm really sayin, but actually, i really noe wat i'm saying... hmmmmm

wheee... cant wait for todae... like tuesday the 22nd... wheee... sending my camera for repairs... nuts... being happey as u send ur camera... haha... which means, i'll get back my camera anyways... muahahahhaha.... and a few other events slotted in between... like meetin uncle mutu for my surround sound... and falling into a pit of the unknown too... hopefully it has paddings at the bottom... dun want to be smashed to pieces...

we wonder y

arrghhhhhh... been very busy with rehearsals & skol work... so basically my life is wake up, go to skol, den go for reahearsals den go home to sleep... sighs... whee... cant wait for sunday... namely, most of the bands i'm close with is playin under one sun at siloso beach... i tink might need to get extra memory card... haha... sighs... in between the train rides, i've been transferring my prose/poem from my capalang book to my poem book... tis wld be my third one, after losing the first two... oh well...

i've been quite moody for the past few days... dunno y... tink itz cos of the loose gum at my right wisdom tooth... as in, i can feel a cut....sighs...

i dunno how liz does it, but, the 3 times she called for lunch, i'm either on my way to sumwhere else or i'm at home... sighs...

den havent let the other lyza treat me yet... haha... since i'm like tis the whole week... was like supposed to take her treat a few weeks back already... basically i haf drained my social life... havent been out wif any of ma fwens yet... since, since a long time already...

last few days in skol and i dun feel like goin to skol anymore... sighs... i dunno wat to do actually.... i feel jus like staying at home the whole day... not coming out of my room... but alas, i have to... goin to skol to play soccer, take my camera, take photos for Hi Club, recharge battery, take photos of bands.... so whole day in sentosa i see... whee...

i cant seem to be bothered abt skol anymore sumhow...

i'm in no (wo)man's land

wednesday
went for my first green shoot... for digi effects... got samantha to act as our talent... tis gal wrapped in a cocoon(we jus used crepe paper)... den she frees herself and wals aways... quite simple la... den helped out as talents for amin's project... borrowed anna's camera... so quite cool!! den rushed to thumper... so had a warm nite there... though some ppl were a bit pissed off... i dunnno... den went to smoke sheesha again at KTM... which ended up wif me not sleepin the whole nite... so on thurs, went for my recording session... in the morning... dam stone la already... sri was a bit loose in the head too... so we were havin a shouting session(as usual) and spotting each others mistake and makin fun of it.. haha... so yea...

den on friday, didnt go for class... was too sleepy... even though i slept at abt 7 plus the nite before, i did woke up at 3.30am... did the media law thingy, den the CV thingy for my IS project.... den got abt 1 hour to spare, so went to my bed... den when the alarm started, at 7.30, i pressed the wrong button and it went to switch off the snooze function... den sumwhere along the way, it fell off my bed and got tangled in between the bed and my blanket... sri was callin me, didnt hear it... sighs... woke up abt 12 like tat... rushed to skol to do 5.1 surround mix and all... after tat, went for the YEP meetin... we all got together... go tmy new members... hanizah's in my grp... if u all dun remember her, go read my blog previously... haha... i tink abt 3rd october i tink.. 2003 or was it 2004? when i was in year 2, takin black and white... when ever tat was... if i even blogged abt it... okie la my new grp members... though benita not in my grp, if not, surely crazy one... oops... i noe she might be readin tis... haha... lets jus put it as, tis is almost like a fms project... wif abt more than half the ppl from fms(well, mass comm la, me bein the only fsv guy)... so, well, charlene's been nice... the only one who response to sms-es... sighs... i'll admit... i cant fit the face to names... haha...i dn haf a mental picture of abt 3 of my grp members... i can only match kailin, sarah(though i kinda mix up her's and yu xin face(a previous team member) & niz ... how pathetic?? and i can match a kind of face of serene... sighs... okie, i'll admit it, i cant link the guy's faces... though kinda can match eddy... i guess... hope itz gonna be quite happening... wonders may happen...

saturday
went for a dam early morning shoot... den went to tapac for rehearsals... my first rehearsals in a long time.. been very slack... so must buck up... sighs... den went to college rock fest... sadly, i didnt haf the mood to take pictures... dun ask me y... i jus didnt... oh yeah, how cld i forget... i got my precious baby back!!! got it back from repairs... whee... so now, i havent used it till abt the show was gonna end... den took it out and started shooting... in between, went to eat wif lin at bk... i tink i saw one fo my classmate in IS... err, the one who speaks wifout an asian accent... i tink so la... den along the way, kinda saw fazliana(i tink tats how u spell her name...) but i called out shikeen,which of course she didnt turn... den i was like, eh, wait, she's not shikeen... haha... oh well... den went back to catch documentary in amber... and the last band... it was a mix of different mucisians from NUS i tink... cos they kept rotating the mucisians... den i went straight home cos was too tired... sunday, another morning shoot... the only thing i dun like abt tis grp's shoot is the lack of welfare... sure, leon/lyon was quite nice, in treating me... haha... but like, wat the???? no food in the ungodly hours, at least none tat most of the crew liked... at least got mineral water... not tat i drank much la... i'm gettin sumthin back... so the job was made less frustrating... sighs... hot weather, den rain, den hot, den rain... was at lower pierce la.. chatted wif one of the talents... felt bad cos she was sittin all alone, and i was sittin nearest to her... she designs gowns... has her own company... cool shite... den went to meet zak and ducky for a while... she wasn't in the best of moods... ate ramly burger... zak got tis new flavoured twisties called fizz... i dunno.. if i haf to describe the taste, it wld haf to be in between detergent wif sugar and fizz... we ate abt 3 pieces each before we jus threw it away... god, wat were they thinking??!!
tomz wld mark the last day i go out wif L(unless she asks me out again)... will stop seeing and goin out after class wif ppl's gf... haha... esp if u like her and she seems to like u... but we cant really do anythin abt it... haha... i mean, rite me if i'm wrong, but tellin ur bf u're goin out wif a gal when u're out wif me aint really ur idea of not likin me... haha... and a few other stuff... either she feels dam comfy wif me or wat... but like lin says, how long haf u known her... and if u dun count the days we dun meet, itz less than 2 weeks... haha... arrghhh... i still cant let go... tried... theoratically it works when i'm not in her presence... haha... practically, well, we all know that practically, nuthin is the same... sighs...oh well...

oh yea

remembered another part of the conversation... haha....

it was on the topic of y caucasians men like tanned gals and asian generally prefer fair skin... it went sumthin like tis...

in asian context, they work outside for long hours... so a fair skin person means he/she dun work in the sun... which means he might be living comfortably... but to the western part, if u dun work, and live comfortably, u go tanning... so naturally the tanned gals dun really work... 2 different side of the world, two different mindset...

haha... anyways, i tink ere's sumthin wrong wif me... i got high on monday and only got my hang over on tuesday...sumthin seriously wrong wif me... either tat, or my body takes a longer time to absorb wat ever it is tat makes u high and only let the reaction kick in the next day... sighs...

so went to harbourfront wif liza... i went to sent my camera for repairs while she went to meet her bf... the canon lady said it shld be ready within a week to 2... yeay!!!

i was a bit high on tat day... den went home and watched tis malay show and i cried... and i only watched the ending... haha... haiz... emo me...

den tues, was kinda early for class... by my standards at least... haha... but was havin a hangover in class... haha... shite... and to tink i was okie durin the ride to skol... so den me, sri and ana slacked at coffee bean at 5th Avenue... bla bla bla, met justin at his workplace... den watched a weird kick ass movie... kinda... jus watched the 2nd half of it... den i went home... slacked at home till abt 9 plus... den left for ave's place to collect her camera...realised her place was near dila's place, so sent her an sms... den her dad gave me an explanation on how to use the camera... den after i started my engine, dila replied back...i asked if she wanted to go for supper... she got an exam... so oh well, the ride will have to wait longer... haha... till the next time yea gal...