i'm back on track to find the rainbow's end

haha... man, wat a blog and sum sleep will do to your thoughts that rampages through your mind... and sum poetry along the way.. haha... now, i'm back on track to find the rainbow's end... an impossible task... but, we all gotta start sumwhere...

anyways, oh yea, forgot tat on fri, went to help ana's grp... so yea... jus tot i wrote it down so i remembered.. haha.. den todae, sat, helped wif ana's grp and then farah's... helped out a bit wif their sound... den when we wrapped up, me, farah, diyana(i tink tats how itz spelled...or was it dayana? and her lil bro) went to Al-Ameen to eat... well, i got along wif her bro well... haha... i turned into a kid myself... haha... a learnt a lot abt myself jus by dealin wif tat kid... i learnt tat i'm dangerous wif kids... haha... as in, i let them do wat the hell they want even if itz dangerous... haha... but they fall and they learn... may be expensive, but i let them try everythin once... and if they like it, ey like it la... if not, den well, they won't do it again... in a way, i was brought up tat way... sure my mum shouted at me for eatin stuff on the floor and all la... but i was given freedom to do and grow as i pleased... well, me bein the shy bunch, i fell into the nerd category and well, i study and i dun mix ard wif ppl... except by playin soccer... haha... tats how i got guy fwens... mostly, i kept to myself... and i'm more rough wif kids... well, controlled roughness la... i sorrie, but i will do controlled damage to ur kids if they are violent... i mean, i learn tat kids do not know the feeling of pain they inflict since they do not control their physical violence onto others... i mean, if a kid wacks u, they do it wif all their heart... they may mean no malice, but the hurt is there.. so unless they learn tat pain is a part of human feelings, especially if they're the only guy and have no other guys to ruffle abt wif... well, for example, we were kickin each other at al-ameen... well, if the kid dun learn tat if u kick sumone, u get kicked back, u tink they will jus stop? well, maybe they will, after u tend to ur wounds... haha... but they will never hold grudges wif ya if they know u and him are both playin... haha... den as we walked, farah and dayana planted in me a seed... a seed i never though i would see grow sooo early... but i dunno...i dunno if i shld tend to tat seed and see it grow or will i let nature let the seed grow... should i write the life giving elements or shld i jus observe the life givin elements...

now i am torn between... as fantasy and reality dissolves into a blurred line, i feel lost... den i read to the kid his nursery rhyme book... we didn't go very far since he jus loves to be read to and not make an effort to learnt he lines himself... haha... we went to like jus abt 2 lines of baa baa black sheep... den he got frustrated cos all he wanted was sumone to read to him... i'll tell u guys, i hate readin out loud okie... so yea... sue me...

anyways, along the mrt ride, the blurred line diffuse into my mind and i went into emo state... minus the fact i was playin ma saddest emo songs in ma playlist... so anyways, i cldn't stop thinkin of the seed... in one hand i want to write itz growth and show it to the farmer, on the other hand, i dunno if the farmer actually wants to read abt a seed that he grew... and would he want to see the effect of how the seed grew... wld my effort be appreciated? wld the farmer banish me from his land because i dared to show him a reality tats happening right in front of his garden... i mean, sure, we weren't the best of neighbours.... we didn't talk for quite a while... he was busy tending to his garden, i was busy writing abt the rainbow... but who can deny, a seed from his garden grew in my plot of land... and i do not want to see Jack's beanstalk growing from my land and later having to cut it down... god, i dun really know wat i'm talkin abt now... but i guess, i still know the essence of the story... haha... if i haf to summarise wat i jus wrote, i cld put it in one sentence... haha... okie, maybe abt 3...

arrghhh... at least ma mind's clear of one uncertainty... now i'm not soo confused... except tat i know i might never write abt the seed any time soon... i dun tink i have the courage to cross his border to pass him the letter abt the wonder of his seeds... and i'm scared to write the wonder... nay, i can write abt the wonder... i fear the consequences of doing it... i'm in a way scared of change... i advocate change... but once i get in a comfort zone, i prefer to leave things as it is... but really, tat comfort zone isn't really wat i want nor feel... for i feel deeper and i crave more than jus comfort zone that i could create... i crave for an uncharted comfort zone... a zone, where i only get a few glimpse as i journeyed through my life... and now tat my muse is back, u guys can read loads of my writings... i dun seem to be able to write short stuff anymore... haha... here's a quote in which i try to use, though me bein the backboneless one...
" ... you have to love someone for who they are. Not despite who they are. Not excuse their faults. You have to find someone whose faults you can live with". - Lip Service by M. J. Rose

i dunno y i included in tat quote... but it jus seemed the nice thing to put in there... was reading the book as i was feelin emo in the mrt... anyways, i feel i'm in a limbo... in one hand i want to change, in another, i dun want anything to change... for i fear it will bring the end to what i dreamed abt... but do i want to make it a still a dream or do i want to make it a reality(or a nightmare... whichever way u see it)... and i lie to myself... which brings me to another quote by the same book... though rite now, i'm contented living a semi-lie...
"... you cannot become someone you're not. Your true self will out in the end. Either you make peace with it, or you fight it your whole damn life and live a miserable lie. Which is a lousy waste."

though rite now, i'm contented living a semi-lie... i lie to myself and allow myself to think tat i'm giving myself the space and that making sure that i'm not used... but really, i dun mind being used if tat means that my senses are amplified... and at least i'll feel the high before i feel the low... rather than escape the high so that i'll be saved from the low...