Monday, May 09, 2005

how bout we try again?

how do i begin?
(i am writin tis with no malice tone, think rather a reflective bursting tone)( i still think this post will make matter worst, but hey, i'll be surprised if it can get any worst)(wat i type now may not be right or correct, but tis is how i felt wat happened, unless u're willing to tell me anythin more, den at least misunderstandings wont occur, i cant read ur mind babe, i can sympathise with you, but i cant emphatise with ya)

maybe i shld start lying? yeah, tat'll shield the pain away... let you live a lie. i mean, y not right? white lies. wat harm do they do? so y dun i jus lie and tell you sweet nothings which will comfort you? i guess cos i dunno what happened to ya? and y not? cos u never wanted to tell me in the first place... maybe i didnt press you, but u'll jus avoid it anyway and turn away.. so i never will press you for anythin... maybe i shld have jus told ya i do consider you a good friend... or not offer more of my feelings abt how i was hurt when you ignored me in full glory of ur best friends, jus because of what happened to ya. wat ever abt me? why do i even expected anythin from me u say? maybe i've been nuthin but nice to ya? and i get hurt everytime... sumtimes i wonder why we are nice to ppl who hurt us the most? i guess i can understand y sumtimes abusive husbands get away and their wives never seem to want to separate from them... i dun live my life as a tragedy, but i got used to it... we can get used to anything if we stay ard it for long periods of time.

sure, today i got the same u put on ur earphones and ignored me treatment, but it was only for a quite a while... beside that, i actually had a nice time, till we were on our way to the train... den i had to spoil it la by tellin u extra details which i cld haf jus omitted or told ya a nicer version... but no, i decided to be bluntly honest wif ya... though u inculcalated the sense of honesty wif ya... u noe how they say actions speaks louder? so here's a question to ponder:

is it better that the road to hell is paved with good intentions or the road to heaven is paved with not so nice intentions?

i guess count me the fool for choosing to do nice things with wrong intentions. i guess itz the intelluctual's flaw. pure deeds must be accompanied with pure intentions. i'm not talkin abt ulterior motives, but motives which are not 100% what the actions is portrayin. sure, the guys might haf a little influence over y i asked how u were, but most of it was internal. i didnt guess it was serious. y u asked? cos i was blinded by hurt. ur actions seemed to tell me to FUCK off!! what are u doin in front of my face... i'm too good to even say hi, no matter how bad my day was.
cos itz never too bad to say back a hi to a friend. andto one whom u want to be considered a good friend? i guess i hope u think abt that.

how can i lie to u and say u are a good friend when the past few times, i never felt comfortable with you around(till today, i actually felt great, esp after we left starbucks...i've gotten over the uneasy feeling i usually had when u were ard)... u simply ignored me when i was saying hi to you... it was a small matter to say the least... but it was a great flame of unfriendly-ness... so, i cant say u are my good friend yet...we cant hold a 5 min discussion of anything...

i hope u understand why i said wat i said... and itz okie if u dun, cos i dun expect you to.

fuck it, i'm tired... wats the use? i cant talk to ya... i cant think of stuff to talk abt... the only time i had a great time was the same as when i first see tears and pain in ur eyes... so, will what we haf built today be jus ruins? i dunno... i'm willing to rebuild it if u are willing to rebuild it with me. so how bout we give it a try?


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