ain't nothing worng, ain't nothin right

I wonder.. how will i survive army. itz ending and my spirit is ending. i no longer seem to want to do anything. i'm not motivated anymore. i cant think, or rather am not allowed to think. cos it seems thinking on your own and acting upon it is seen as an opposition to leadership. i think my coy is jus too scared to make our own choices without approval. i seen others who lead and be lead and i take off my cap to them. their relationship forged by trust and mutual respect.

so, we are dummified only to have to re learn how to think. we are encouraged to be thinking soldiers, but it seems as if no one really thinks about empathy. and we are given different commands, yet we are reprimanded for following both commands. first we are told to do this and fucked cos we didnt follow, and comes another guy scolding us for following the commands cos it is a waste of time. so i say, what the fuck?

and confessions of a misunderstood. can u live if sumone told you he wants to kill himself and you are helpless to help him. and all you can envision is that he does it in front of you and are helpless to help. could you have made a better decision if you have reacted earlier, yet knowing that if you do react earlier, it would probably kill him anyway. and the latter, he would have died, mentally, phisically and spiritually. logically, it would be to act earlier. but what if there are grey areas around, grey areas which you never encountered before. grey areas so grey, it looks as if there was never black or white in the first place. so you stand ere, doin nothing at all. jus nothing at all and hope that he doesnt do it.

and i'm sorry i cant always find the words to say to you as you stand by my side. ere's so much i want to tell you yet, it just goes away everytime i'm with you. i filled with sad joys that knowing my future is fucked and that i would never have the time to spend with you. that it will take another good 7 months before i can safely say i can spend a lot of time with you. and if i'm (un)lucky, it might take another 10 months. and i dunno if it'll wait.

anyways, a long holiday but i dunno what to do.. quite shitty la the feeling.. later goin to have dinner at mac. been a long time, well, actually only 2 weeks ago, but still, itz quite a long time... so anyways, seems my entries haf been quite emo-ridden. at least i now i'm now siding with my heart and how it feels rather than how my mind thinks.. dunno if itz good or bad, but as long as there's sumone on mainland to think about, life is not too bad. helps to get through the tekan-ing much more swiftly.