the outcry for meaning

Peti kayu ibuku

2008-05-03T18:39:00.003+08:00

I now look behind on these 2 month plus and I smiled to myself. I have grown. Be it for better or worst, I have grown. I'm slowly discarding and taking old and new things in life.

to bubu D, I love you. Its not the way i imagined when i was smaller but i know deep inside its the same feeling.

I imagined that i'll be inspired to write volumes of poetry like when i do for every girl i fell for,
i'll be happy to just sit beside a person i have a crush on.
We'll look deep into each other's eyes and smile for days.
That i'll always be by ur side all day and holding hands all day.

but yea.. its not like tat now.

I cant write poetry.
i'm not satisfied to jus sit next to you. i want to hold ur hands too. =p
Looking deep into each other's eyes is not the only thing tat makes me smile all day. Have to throw in the kisses and hugs.
That i can't be by ur side all day(tats jus like stalking) and we dun jus hold hands all day, ere's other things we do too. =)

so sometimes, life's just not the way we imagined it when we were smaller.

okok, i'll stop being mushy already.

Jus finished doing the production Peti Kayu Ibuku. Met some new people, some which i have only heard of.. i.e siti h..

some i've never met before i.e the 2 mimis, mas(i'll admit it, i have no idea she's famous),rohaizad
old friends fez, irfan, shan, 'asy, shahira,jamal

yea, i enjoyed the work there.

met ducky and wan on the first nite show. too bad can't join them for supper.. also met yan, siti k.

up next, BILIK AHMAD..

ode to black

2008-02-19T18:12:00.002+08:00

10 February 2008

this day marks the day i see a friend making his way to meet God. Khalil aka black.(i'm sure he has loads of other names). what makes it even more special was spending 1year plus with him in camp, goin on "camping trips" in the army.. during that time, esp the drive back.. i look back at how many times he saved my ass from gettin lost in the dark.. how many times he got me back to the correct way.. then i remembered the only time i cld help him.. in ROC.. he was missing from the whole battalion.. i was scared shit cos i felt he was missing.. but everyone kept telling me he's behind, he's behind.. so finally i went behind until the last man and guess what?? he told me he must be in front cos there sure can't be anyone else behind him.. so tats when i ran all the way to the front.. and me and PS searched for him.. and thank god we found him.. luckily he wasn't fast asleep.. if he was, we wldn't have found him.. cos when we walked past him, we heard a bush moved.. me and him was scared shit la cos we jus walked past an abandoned house.. den suddenly his voice came out and called us.. so we managed to bring him back safely.. i guess, maybe its better that i never got to see his face for the last time. actually, none in our section saw it.. so i guess it's best we remembered him the way we last remembered him..

go for the unknown over the known

2007-10-23T22:20:00.000+08:00

todae i learnt i have to turn down a promotion for something which i have always enjoyed but no real guarantee that it will come.. yea, dang.. i guess i jus cldn't take the supervisor role at my workplace cos my heart is still where i have placed it.. up to be besides the sound systems of live shows.. aiya.. sumtimes i wonder if its really worth it or not.. but i always convince myself otherwise cos of the way i handle sound works wif ease even if i haven't touched it for a year plus plus.. i'm still amazed those things have never left me.. its as if i never stopped using it..

so reject the offer as it stands.. though i'm already doin part of it.. i like saje saje aje close the account and do some of the paperwork.. i guess i'm still a bit of a status ego.. i jus cldnt be the delivery guy.. i wan to be the deliver guy and also action action be the sup.. haha.. like real aje.. i guess sometimes u jus cant help but wan to be the best and show it.. but i already decided to stop the work in search of something which i have no confirmation tat i can stay in the line.. but ouh well.. better to go for the unknown in place of the known while you're still young.. maybe when i have more responsibilities, den i guess i have to go for the known and safe rather than the unknown and dangerous.. but as for now, its jus me for myself..

what have you gambled todae?

the outside of inside

2007-10-21T23:35:00.000+08:00

my mind's in a daze.. heroes has a profound effect on me. and wat haf u with what haida showed me online yesternite.. i began to think abt it, and how was it all connected.. like how i hit off with cancerians really really well.. my risin sign is cancer.. haha.. not tat it has any link but it does help me to make sense of the ppl i met and all.. my encounters with leos has been disasterous previouly.. i make good fwens with pisces and cancerians.. sorry my bloody bro.. i noe u're a scorpio, but we still get along great.. well, i'm still wonderin if i wld ever go out wif a scorpio or not.. hmmmmmmm.. anyways, my mind is filled with lots of tots which doesnt materialise into the writing world cos its all random.. but it has always been along the theme, can we escape destiny/fate..

and can we pick up the mini signs that we're supposed to follow.. some stronger than others, some more persistant than others.. and then todae, i was stonin outside the shop and i looked at my palm.. could it be true that the path in life is written on our palm? then, can we rewrite what is written there? and how do anyone noe abt the mysterious symbols written on the palms and what it means anyways?

so i jus added the cupid thingy on facebook.. and lo and behold.. i was jus curious and clicked on tis profile.. what intrigued me the most was the ankh of life hangin around her neck. why? cos it reminded me of a dream i had.. not too sure if i wrote it or not.. but in that dream, tis gal dragged me into an egyptian shop, one which i never saw before.. and i got the eye of horus.. i forgot what she got for herself though.. so, off i went on a search for a real one.. it was a pendant.. and when i was goin into the carpark, my bike died on me.. i guess at that time, i took it tat i'm supposed to be stuck there anyway.. and yes, i did get the pendant.. though the shop's already closed now..

so could it be that maybe the gal in my dream had sumthin to do with it? i guess maybe i'm just thinkin too much.. but hey, i'm at least experiencing a renaissance in writing.. its all good i guess.. and can i say, i tink death note anime is mind blowing while heroes is though provoking..

i dun hate my job, i jus hate the pay.. ouh well.. heh.. but the companionship is good.. its a fun environment la.. i guess man's the main guy keepin me sane.. if not i wld haf died of boredom.. and i guess we learn a bit from each other.. but the most interesting wld haf to be the tomato skin flower which he made when shaza and amira came to the store.. wah.. den me not to be outdone, made the napkin flower.. haha.. in the end, i must say, it was quite a display.. haha..

and i tink i'm more into the inventive side.. the time i spent workin ere, i made the cup separator, the base, the notepad.. and i tink i'm still into recycling and reusin la i guess.. haha.. i jus like inventin things i guess.. hahaha..

so look out world, for the writer is back.. haha.. yea rite...

we're a part of an elaborate plan

2007-10-20T01:33:00.000+08:00

i've been watchin the HEROES episodes la.. and tis morn, while i was brushin my teeth, this idea suddenly came to mind.. what if all our dissapointments and sorrows are part of an elaborate plan that will work out in the end? that all our mishaps are actually things which happens so that others and we ourselves are supposed to learn..

if tats the case, den i must ride properly.. cos 2 mths ago, i was taught to ride safely. and then these past few days, i keep hearin ppl gettin into accidents, seein accidents.. now will redouble the effort..

and todae, i keep hallucinating.. i kept imaginin, i see people and figures when there could be none.. it all started yest when i was on my way to starbucks.. i cld haf sworn i saw a man with songkok.. but it was jus an electrical casing.. and todae i kept imaginin i see people when there is none..

so yesterday, i met up wif fana, halim and didi.. it was a most weird experience that i have ever had.. my memories are quite selective..

went to starbucks first before i met up wif didi.. bought a raspberry cream frap.. and the nice barista gave me a nice bag when i asked for it.. so reached YCK earlier than her.. so was havin trouble parkin the darn bike.. since it was a slope.. so i remembered, i hid the drink, and looked up and there she was, up the slope.. haha.. i was like a bit shocked to see her la.. like didnt expected her to be ere when i looked up.. i tink i forgot all tat i wanted to do and was lost for words.. but luckily she was friendly enough.. i guess i was at ease the first time i met her. it felt as if i knew her for a while already.. anyways, so we finished up the drink first b4 we head to woodlands where we're already runnin super late.. hehe.. oopss.. but i guess it was fun la..

den reached civic centre after bein abused a bit by her.. kena wacked and poked like twice or so along the way.. den met liyana in the lift.. was on her way to work.. so, since didi was scared to call fana; me, the brave one decided(by her) that i shld do the callin.. so i called halim.. hahha..

so finally we met.. den went to kfc to eat.. so some shuffling of the place we sat.. den we talked a bit.. okie. i didnt talk much.. its weird really.. and i tink i now understand how come guys find fana intimidatin.. rarely haf i met a person who exudes an aura of icy coldness and closedness and walled up-ness.. its weird how i can like chat with her on msn and sms.. and when i finally met her, i dunno wat to say.. i was lip-tied.. i tink i didnt utter more than 20 sentences.. so i dunno wat happened ere..

all i noe is tat as i went home, i was in a daze.. lost and bewildered.. and i havent recovered yet..

so, jus now came back from jln raya-in wif zul, mahathir, arie and wan.. so like 4 bikes convoy kinda thing.. it was nice la.. den on my way home, haida said she saw me on the way home.. i was already half stoned la when on the way back.. the nice cold wind caressin every inch of me.. but my mind was already numb i guess..

too numb.. and i've been gettin some faint whispers from my muse.. words formed in between my mind, jus waiting to get out..

ouh yea, jus now saw shaza and her fwen at my work place.. haha.. havent seen her for like the longest of time.. it was a nice surprise to see her la..

reddishly down

2007-10-06T23:20:00.000+08:00

I'm gonna try the red on black font todae cos i jus felt like doin it todae.. arrghh..
i'm too on a whim kinda guy. todae feels different from yesterdae
tomorrow feels different from yesterday..
and yes, i'm no more emo me already.. sighs.. sumtimes i wondered
y i even agreed to work todae.. which means i'm gonna miss the holistic fair thingy
goin on at fort canning cos tomz i'm workin on my first passion to do sound..
wth.. i forgot abt it when i agreed to work todae.. and i sumhow misplaced 32 bucks!! dammit..
but okie la, if i try to look at it positively, got tis one house which i sent to, den tis like
kinda cute gal took the food.. den like i tink i was like flushin a bit, but lucky for my helmet..
plus all the accidental touch.. i was jus givin her the cash, den she like dun wan to take it.
but anyways, back to me losin 32 bucks.. ouh well.. but i guess i'm sumtimes too optimistically reflective. so tats y not so big an issue though.. haha.. den i did go back to her house la cos like it was the only place i cld haf lost it since i never took out the money anywhere else.. but aiya, she wasnt ere.. haha.. like a whole new set of ppl in ere seh.. like all i never see b4 one.. but at least got her mum i tink who talked to me.. the conversation went like tis..

me: assalamualaikum.. kak, tadi saye ade antar makanan.. yg adik pakai baju purple ade?
rest: pakai baju purple?
mum:ouhh.. nanti nanti.. (shuffles to the gate) ye?
me: ouh tak, tadi aganye terceceh duit kat sini.. cik nampa tak (still hopin the purple gal wld appear)
mum:ouh, takde..
me: (inside my heart, ouh dang)

den i left la.. but i tink i'm scared of my ridin tat time.. i was like a bit the siao la ridin..

anyways, argghh.. i shld never, i mean never be too trustin.. i shld only do things when i'm collected.. i shld not bother to send these food on time if i'm in a rush.. cos they dun really appreciate it.. except for a few.. the rest was like, ouh.. okies.. and i rushed for them?? siao ar, might as well save my ass first.. and i tink i like to send to chinese families better.. they're nicer anyways..

so anyways, arrgh.. i wrote too much..

okies, tis is a previous entry.. i wld like to reiterate tat i loath BMW drivers.. i was drivin my boss's car.. and it was a dam mergin lane.. so okie wat, alternate vehicle la go in.. but noooooooo.. tis dam BMW lady driver, decides to squeeze my ass.. drive beside me as the lane was mergin.. den i dun wan to lanngar her ma, so i kept to the side la.. my car was freakin half way in front of her, still wan to squeeze.. never mind.. bulan puasa, control my swearin durin drivin time.. den i tot she will slow down..nooooooooooo.. she still kept at it, even drivin on the road shoulder.. den i jus farked it, let her overtake.. dammm.. shldnt do it la.. cos in front got TP... shld haf made her drive on the shoulder and let the TP stop her.. sighs.. evil tot for a while.. and i tink i shldnt drive while fastin.. cos i haf huge urges to swear at a lot of drivers.. i tink we got lots to learn abt courtesy and abt drivin.. i mean, hey, i only start to swear if they drive recklessly.. and in my viscinity.. i.e 1 or two car ard me..

i guess sum things never change.. i dun curse and swear tat much while i'm ridin though.. except for those mofo tail gaters at the freakin 3rd lane for god's sake.. and i'm doin 80-90.. go sumwhere else and overtake la idiots.. baka neh..

i lay honesty on the table

2007-10-05T18:09:00.000+08:00

sometimes in life, u begin to give up on some things.. cos you don't see the reward or that you feel as though no one responds to you. and slowly, you begin to qsn whether what you're doin is goin anywhere or not when the response is lukewarm at most.. and yes, now i'm beginning to wonder if she does like me at all or not.. cos sometimes, it aint very positive.. okie la.. it gets to this when u expect certain stuff.. okie, so i sumtimes expected her to ask me back how am i, expect her to ask question abt me sometimes. u noe.. jus to keep conversations last longer.. but sometimes all i get back is a ok. and i sumtimes also dunno wat to talk abt.. like it gets tiring if i keep askin the qsn and she dun seem to bother to do like wise ma.. bit by bit, the likin feelin begins to erode.. jus as a water droplet could erode a solid rock. "like" can only last for a limited time if its not nurtured.. arrghhh... confusion.. i guess i haf fallen into the trap.. sumwhere along the way i tripped and fell.. and now, i find it hard to pick myself up. only the brutal truth can help me along.

patience my dear boy.. patience.. tats what i keep telling myself.. but sometimes, it does wear u thin and you wonder, are u jus wasting your time and effort? is it goin no where.. and tat she doesnt feel the same way at all.. and all the smiles are jus a front? i dun know.. i dun tink it is.. but hey, talk is cheap.. we can flirt and talk and lie all we want, but the truth comes in action. whether we dare to go out for the first time.. i guess tat makes and breaks a lot of things sometimes.. ere i go whining again.. sighs.. bad habit sumtimes jus resurface.. time to surpress it down again..

i guess we'll jus never know till a few weeks later huh.. maybe i shldnt tink so much.. maybe i shld jus go back to my carpe diem moments.. but i guess we grow older and time grows shorter..

mental torture

2007-09-24T01:01:00.000+08:00

so todae, was my first relief stint as a despatch rider.. send food for tis kedai kopi.. imagine the kedai kopi now haf delivery.. hahaha.. dang.. only did 3 deliveries in my 9hr stint.. like waaaaaaa?? okie, so it was short.. todae, i really learnt the meanin of shake leg.. cos tats wat i mostly did.. jus shook my leg.. a wonder i never got tat restless.. hahahha.. so yea, okie la, dun really like the uniform, but hey, its orange and i always tot of wearin orange.. so here's my chance rite? and i can learn a lot jus by observin ppl in their work place... like i cld kinda identify the unsaid team leader, the scapegoat(u gotta haf one in every company.. the one u can mock and make fun in a good natured-ly way), the quiet worker, the dun wan to feel useless worker, the doin boss, the motherly makcik.. yea, tats all i noticed actually.. dunno how true these are.. but jus my opinions on them

yea well, so tis thurs and fri is off to sinewave for the thing i love.. hard work, sweaty tops and sound comin out of the big boom box.. where i hope to do for a long time.. so, looks like tis wednesday gonna watch ratatouille again wif sri..

den, okie, i'm supposed to meet fan u see.. now the prob is tat we cant fix a timin.. if not, den hoepfully sunday can la.. hahaha.. lucky friday she cannot.. if not, i haf to cancel my job.. hahhaa.. yes folks, sumthing jus maybe comes once in a while.. den after tat, its gone.. and its weird la.. i dunno.. cos maybe its a whole different kind.. we'll jus see la.. at least she's a bit more responsive la.. though still waitin if she wld msg me first or not.. hey, we cant always be the one initiating.. sure, do it for the first few days.. and then wait la.. but then again, sum things are jus different.. but i still dunno.. lots of things to consider..

so, at least its nice to hear i'm not the only scandalous ones.. at least, i was.. i guess i toned down a lot.. hey, at least i stopped goin out wif attached gals.. well, not unless i jus wanna be fwens wif them.. den okie la.. so why does bein more mature means bein less fun? i dunno.. so i guess i'm still a kid then.. cos i still enjoy fun.. so here's to fun, more smileys and here's to the guys everywhere who likes to disturb gals while workin, u piss off gals but make great companions.. and here's to all of them..

back to basics

2007-09-17T22:51:00.000+08:00

i tink currently, i'm undergoin a sense of renaissance.. i'm back to learnin new card stuff, i'm watchin sappy chick flicks online, i'm back to playin old games.. i jus might start to write poetry back.. but then again, sighs, who noes.. i kinda miss the good ol emo days when i was an okie wordsmith.. nuthin more inspirin than a broken heart or a jus flyin one..

i tink some ppl enter our lives jus when we needed them to be and then they leave.. leave us to be again after teachin us an important lesson or two.. but i guess what's most important is not that they left.. but tat their presence has made a better you.. i had lots of people enter and leave me.. some i wished had stayed longer, some i wished never came.. but they did all the same.. and they mould you to become who u are rite now.. i guess last month's most important lesson was to not to ride so fast.. not tat i speed all the way mind u, jus tat, sumtimes, it aint worth savin a few minutes by riskin too much.. and now, the phrase not too fast is kinda drilled into me when ever i throttle too much or take a sharp corner..

and also, things are sometimes not what they seem to be.. sumtimes, what they say ain't what they mean.. but for this to work out, u jus gotta leave heavy opposite clues la.. dun expect ppl to know what u actually mean online.. so i guess its kinda nice.. and to think about it.. i tink my dad and mum are world apart.. at least tats what i think.. i jus dun know what actually manages to keep them together.. after 22 years, i still cant observe a unifyin factor besides my mum findin me dad hilarious.. i guess they share an even stronger similiarities than an attractive opposite.. or maybe its the intoxication of opposite that draws them.. maybe i shld jus ask.. jus maybe..

surrealism at its best

2007-09-13T20:36:00.000+08:00

here's to what i remembered in between..

err, okies, i watched 1408 wif haida. can i say the movie was kinda weirdly scary? cos like, ere's no shock horror in all the traditional sense.. the ghost were like holographic images but i was scared shit when i i knew the ghost is gonna come out.. haha.. danggg.. den a few days later, anthony told me he saw me and haida.. and i'm like, dang, how does he know its me.. ouh well.. so gave her the prezzie tat i spent the last few days workin on in camp..

den there was the meet up wif duck.. at my old home ere.. she, wan and zubir.. so tat was the first time i pillion my bestie, not too bad.. she skipped the troubled times i had wif my baby.. haha..

okies.. i was too lazy to write down tis surreal dream i had but since i forgot wat i wanted to blog yesterday the minute i step into my house, i guess tis aint such a bad time.. so here's the weird dream.. i remembered bits and pieces of it though.. so here's the few parts i remembered.. it was in a school.. and for some weird reason, i was tryin to clim this ladder.. cept tat the the steps were like huge rubber dildos but were in fact worms.. let me rephrase that.. they ARE worms shaped like brown dildos.. and suddenly i was upstairs and i was like in the holy grail of sound mixers.. they were like everywhere and there was another tower also with a few mixers.. didnt know how to get there though.. so for some weird reason, i was walking through it and wham.. tis indian-caucasian came crashin into me and it seems she like knew me for a long period.. at least i felt tat way.. so she was sobbing on my chest about something i forgot.. i remembered holding her tight, comforting her, i almost felt the tears soaking through my shirt.. i felt her hair, felt her back. it was all so real, yet i know it wasnt. then suddenly a security guard came and told us to make out outside of the hall not inside and i remembered she went beserk cos we werent and she wanted him to know i was comforting her and were accused all the same.. so we stormed outside and i remembered going out of a lift and being introduced to her lecturer and she started complainin to her about hte security guard falsely accusin us downstairs.. and wham, my dad wakes me up to sahur.. its sad tat i forgot the teacher's name.. cld haf tried to look up if such persons exists..

ouh well.. so lets see, in between, i met up wif guys from camp.. the malays i met to go for career talks and comex, the chinese to go to boat quay for a meet up..

and yea, its kinda weird tat i met lots of ducky's fwens but she will like die die never want to meet any of mine.. maybe its tat i never asked her recently but i remembered in the past, she wld always find a reason not to meet them..

so here's a toast to my new found like in art.. makin photos into fine art.. dunno if i'll carry it thru for very long or not.. ouh wells...

and its weird i'm like talkin to aisyah's cousin.. weird but kinda nice.. and its weird if i ever were to see her, i wld like mumble sumthin and say i need to go off.. i guess somethings are just better off unknown..

and ouh yea.. watched ratatouille with adlin.. it was kinda nice.. the show.. yea.. haha.. okie, bad imagination by me i know..

everything u do great, u do with passion

2007-08-27T19:33:00.000+08:00

did the AHM last yesterdae.. only did 12km though, cos of the NDP.. saw my sispec alpha PC, though he walked past me b4 i recognised him.. den after the run, saw the encik from afar.. and i was reminded of the only word associated wif him, passion. passion in all great things tat u do. so here's more abt the run.. we like flag off late.. cos i fell asleep, den when i woke up it was like 7.15.. den noor came and asked if i wanted to go cos he was searching for me.. though i was like only a few rows in front of him.. so den we got fi to go wif us also.. so after we ran to nearly the top of shears bridge, meer caught up wif us.. he also came to the start point even later.. so we always set reachable goals.. like makin sure tis veteran never overtook us.. den at kallang ere, we used another veteran to pace us.. den near the end point, we were like, eh shit.. got one more in front.. must overtake.. i mean, no disrespect to them,whom can really ran, but we cant really see ourselves slower than them la.. its like lettin a 5 year old kid beat u in arm-wrestling.. u jus cant let it happen no matter how u are feelin.

and here's another question to ponder.. sometimes, y do we ask questions when we are not prepared to know the answer? i sometimes feel tat they are not really ready.. but they ask anyway.. so i jus answer anyway.. and then, they jus suddenly feel awkward. well , i jus hope everything is back to normal.. and sometimes, here's the most peculiar yet beautiful part about life.. u will never get what you expect.. either u get more than what u expected or less than what u expect..

so lets say, i admit it.. i joined the green corp a few years ago cos i was kinda into environmental stuff, but more cos i wld get to meet new ppl.. den as i kinda met them more and started the work, i realised, the ppl didnt really mattered.. the HI kids that i worked wif was more important to me. and seein em year after year(only 2 years though), i jus felt happier seein em.. i volunteered to take pics for the leaven trait solely cos i wanted to take pictures.. but guess what, it switches from solely to take pic, to jus solely to be wif the DYL group.. whether i cld take pic or not didnt matter anymore.. so here's the thing la.. i noe i go on a BIG merry go round jus to make a point.. tat i tink, doin good with bad intention is always better than doin bad wif good intention.. cos intentions always change, but the deed lasts forever!

and i guess, sometimes, i feel sad that ppl cant move on cos they're still livin in the past.. yes, yes, tat means i feel sad for myself sumtimes.. but u gotta move on.. i mean, hey, i still cant forget the cikgu, but hey, tat dun mean i dun see new ppl.. what i'm tryin to get to is that, maybe we shld love like there's no tomorrow and live like we never had a past.. well, for new ppl la.. if we know them as a snake and all, then i tink we shld love like we're gonna live a thousand years and live like tomorrow u're gonna get ur ass whipped if u do something wrong..

and try to leave emo baggages outside the lobby.. pick em up when u're leavin..somehow, they always seem lighter.. i read tat once sumwhere.. it was more like.. i leave all my worries and troubles outside the house before i enter it.. and when i leave the house, i jus pick em up but they always seem to get lighter..

smiling sheepishly

2007-08-23T21:43:00.000+08:00

had to do the combat shoot on sunday.. sighs.. ouh well.. at least its not too bad.. only a few details only.. so, luckily wasnt too tired to go out wif haida the next day.. well, maybe a lil tired.. but wats the tiredness i was feelin compared to the lil date i was gonna haf.. hehe.. but seriously.. i tink i was half stoned when i woke up.. BUT managed to get myself back to normal.. haha..

arrived a lil too early.. hah.. yea well, i try to be early for my dates.. sorry to all my fwens whom i'm always abt 10min to half an hour late.. heh.. so while waitin, i saw tis gal in black and blue striped top and for a moment i got a shock of my life cos tis gal was quite old.. den my senses came back to me and told myself its not her.. how i noe, she said she wld be wearin black and blue wat.. so yea.. so sum time later she came.. can i say i wasnt really tongue tied?? yea.. if i cld manage a dumb joke and make her laugh a bit, den not so bad rite?

so we rode to vivo.. okie, i noe i told myself before meetin her not to peng my bike as i corner , but bad habits die hard, esp when u got great tyres.. haha.. so like the first turn i made, ar kau, she really really griped me seh.. den okie la, so relax a bit on the corners.. den the ecp, got one also la.. the really really nice to corner one.. but so i did a relaxed corner.. so she wasnt too scared.. kinda la.. so yea.. haha..

so we bought the tickets for alone..*ironically, my bike was parked all alone too* den we went to tis mosque near st james.. yes, ere's a mosque near st james! and i tot it was like the malaysian embassy or wat the last time i saw the place.. cos it had a big johore flag.. so den we ate BK.. ere i saw tis guy from PL3 aloha from aslc.. forgot his name.. cos i only played soccer wif him b4 la.. dun really noe him.. okok, i noe i'm like tis scardie cat when it comes to horror movies, but i cldnt help it.. hehe.. i jus lurve scarin myself.. and ar kau, my terperanjatness melanting-lanting tat time.. luckily she brought her shawl wif her la.. at least kept me warm a bit.. okie, i noe sum of u are wonderin y i didnt like keep her warm instead and all when she said she was cold a bit..i guess i jus dun wan to rush tis time.. i mean, i still dunno her very well yet le.. den dunno how she's gonna react.. later she suddenly never want to see me again.. so anyways, and yes yes, i forgot to bring my jacket cos i didnt bring my bag..

so after the movie, we sat on the waterfront.. or rather the berth front.. like in front was the shipping berth anyways.. but okie la.. had quite a bit of conversation.. den cam-whored a bit.. jus a bit la since the pics turned out nice.. hahaha.. usually i always get these double chin la or i look like a dumb ass in the pic.. but tis time like quite nice.. since she had skol early and her mum bought her dinner, so okie la.. we skipped dinner.. den i get the impression she's not exactly fickle.. so okie la.. not much of the i dunno i dunno part.. it was like pak pak pak, and set.. so went to the mosque and then sent her home..

it was a slow ride home la.. since she told me she's not comfy ridin above 100.. haha.. so we took a slow ride home..accompanied by the long traffic.. den got once nearly langga tis merc taxi.. cos he suddenly jam brake.. den i also jam brake.. lucky still got quite a bit of distance.. but other than tat, my bike was well behaved.. at least the bike likes her too i guess.. haha.. if not ar, always got problem one if i pillion my gal fwens.. ere was the engine mati for dila, den the gear pedal choplok for citra, den.. eh, yea ar.. like tats all.. seems i dun really pillion ppl.. lin doenst count cos its only a short distance.. so okie.. she told me my eyes were gettin red.. and i can really feel it screamin for me to get sum sleep.. but yea.. it was an awkward goodbye.. i was like tongue tied a bit.. like ere was a lot i remembered i wanted to tell her, den as we reached the stairs, all i cld tink of was *blank*.. so we jus said bye.. and maybe its jus me but ere was sumthin i felt like she tot i was gonna do but didnt so.. so in the end, like an abrupt ending to a story like tat.. but i tink my mind went blank cos she was on the stairs already and like 2 steps above me.. and talked to me.. like she's already dyin to go up but den realised havent said goodbye and all.. so maybe at tt time, my mind was thinkin if i did sumthin wrong or was i tat borin and all to her.. so i jus forgot wat i wanted to say at tt time.. sighs.. but i noe it cld all jus be a misunderstandin and all.. so tats y i'm still keepin a bit positive la.. since she said she wld like to go out again.. okie, so she said she didnt mind.. which further reinforced tat i may haf been borin but she still gonna gif me another chance.. sumthin along tat line la.. so i dunno.. jus wait and see la.. seems she's busy wif skol and all nowadays.. till the next time i see her, which is i dunno when..

after i wrote all these, ere's like a chance she might read tis.. but since i cant be bothered to delete the entry., so wth rite? jus post and wear my heart on my sleeve la.. at most i jus dun get to see her again lor.. but hey, no regrets.. no regrets.. for every new experience brings new memories.. and memories are all i haf left once i grow old..

the day me and my bike orgased simultaneously

2007-08-14T11:15:00.000+08:00

actually i cant really find the superlatives for the ride home to singapore.. so my bike kena stuck the rear brake again while on the way to meet up wif fish.. so took a 10 min break by the road shoulder to wait for the brake to release itself again.. sheesh.. so met up wif fish and the first time i'm goin into jb wif me bike.. haha.. den i stupidly monkee see monkee do and put in my cash card into the slot where jb'ians put in eir auto pass.. how i noe, the 3 bikes in front of me all put in a card into the slot.. haha.. oops, bimbo moment..

so we went to tis bike shop.. errrmm.. hyper racin i tink.. so i jus told the guy to repair the rear brake.. den sumhow or rather i ended up servicin the block too.. which then lead me to reborin the block and changing the piston.. and woah.. like all they needed to do was to listen to the bike and ride it up a slope into eir shop to make a guess at wats wrong wif ur bike.. so then we spent like 8hrs ere, includin waitin for noh's bike to be done up to.. actually his bro's bike, which was much worst.. me and fish reached like abt 2plus.. and we left abt 1045 ere abts.. so after they changed everythin, my bike started convulsing.. and he was like in an accent which i half understood tat ey had to rebalance the thing..

i didnt noe no shit, so i jus agreed seein how eir previous predictions haf been spot on.. sooooo, okie la.. they opened up everything and all again.. and the balancing gear was terbalik and not in line.. tats y my bike sumtimes like an earthquake.. so after all tat is done, i finally got a nice brake to step on after they burnt and bent my new kick start pedal.. haha.. wheeeee..

den rode a few meters to the petrol station and i was scared shit cos i felt it suddenly became a powerful bike *since the last time i rode it*... den after pumpin, we left.. and tats where the orgasm started.. for the FIRST time, it worked smoothly, the bike was silent(relatively), gear changing was smooth, the pick up was smooth, the bike was fast, nice pick up (i tink tis is the 2nd time i'm sayin pick up cos it sucked previously), and i felt like cryin..i tink i kinda did.. it was such a beautiful moment and i fell in love all over again wif my bike..burnt a hole in my pocket = 420RM, but the burn marks forevers scars my heart wif such ferocity of euphoria.. and tat is also y i prefer to love and be left heart broken than never loved at all.. cos u look back, and said i lived wif no or little regrets..

post NDP syndrome

2007-08-13T12:08:00.000+08:00

so lots of happenings.(mostly my postmortem)

the pertapis children exhibition over.. i was dissapointed in tat my work wasnt even decently broadcasted over the room.. ere was endless noise buzzin and very soft since the noise was overpowerin the whole recording.. god dammit.. went ere wif liana and J(cos i forgot whether it was joseph or joshua).. watched the Israelis's exhibition upstairs.. den we walked to the singapore museum and met josh at one of the exhibition.. den after tat, met up wif ben and the rest at his place to play guitar heroes.. activateeeee STARpowerrrrrrrrrr... haha.. okie, tat was lame..

so the next up was afu's weddin.. cant believe he's married and has a twin bro.. y didnt his bro joined the section??? haha.. so anyways, den after tat i went to ... erm, sumwhere which i forgot.. but i remembered i had to reject watchin simpson wif jobi and sherman.. so must haf been sumthin bigger than tat..

next up, was my visit wif vick to get hard disks for his documentary.. den digitised them and all.. and the next day, shoot for christ's shoot.. okie la, quite soon to be happenin.. and chua's mum was in it.. i was surprised it was his mum in the first place.. so had a mini fsv gatherin on set.. it was like i never forgot anythin i learnt in school.. it jus came quite naturally.. the set up for the sound recording devices.. woahh.. haha.. so shld be shootin more for them.. woo hooo.. i'm backkkkkk!!!!!

post NDP.. at freaking lastttt.. its overrrrrrr!! no more marchin, no more camo, no more standin up and tryin to keep awake when u are really sleepy, no more accidentally fallin asleep when u're standing, no more sun tan in uniform.. but it was a nice performance.. haha.. enjoyed myself if i looked back la.. i tink the whole show was beautiful.. at least it was more artsy and all.. almost magical i can say..

so todae gonne go to jb wif fish.. doin our bikes.. actually mine's kinda done jus need to like tune it only? ouh yeaaaa.. my trouble makin bike which i sumtimes wished i jus threw it away and get another one.. but now, look at where we are now.. i now lurveee the bike all over again.. haha.. its now spakingly cleaned and polished.. the shop did it for me though.. i noe i noe.. i shld take better care of her.. but aiya, she like dunno how to keep herself clean one le.. haha.. yes yes, next up, itz nice la to ride happily, wifout like hopin the smoke trail she leaves is too much, the spark plug dyin anytime as i'm ridin, the 2t tube leakin, the rear brake bein jammed and need to wait by the side for abt 10 min b4 it releases itself, no mirror, no nice quieter pipe, not much smoke comin from her behind.. haha.. okok.. tats abt as much as i can tink off la.. so wheeee..

next stop, JB..

the busiest mth

2007-07-20T15:51:00.000+08:00

so lets see, i went to jb twice in two consecutive days.. first went wif ma parents to celebrate my dad's bdae..a bit belated la.. but sadly, the place didnt haf buffet at 4pm.. it like ended at 4 actually.. they called it tunch or was it trunch? i tink tea + lunch = tunch.. how breakfast + lunch = brunch.. haha.. so went to giant.. but den, it rained while we were ere.. so jus ate dinner ere.. so in two weeks time, i got another date in jb i guess.. since tis week me dad workin the nite shift tis sunday.. den the next day, went to jb again wif another fwen.. watched dead silence.. okie, i wont create a critic here but i dun really like the movie.. erm, it was like sooo abrupt and not soo scary.. okie la, so i kinda got shocked a few times, but overall, not so scary la.. at least not so bad la.. didnt waste so much money.. only half price ma.. and like, ey charge an extra buck for the couple seat.. not tat we're a couple la.. but since the guy was like offerin it and she was like, do we look like a couple? den okie la, we got the sear..den we gorged ourselves at singgah selalu.. aiya, finished her food, den never finish my char kuay.. sighs.. so ere, we laughed till the sun went down.. haha.. okie, the part i remembered the most.. she pointed out the sweat and sour fish wld be delicious.. and so it went on and on abt crazy ways on how the name actually came up.. actually i forgot but i remembered it was hilarious at tt time.. so den sent her home..

so next up, i went wif oni to the PERTAPIS children's home at nite b4 i booked in.. was supposed to record interviews la, den make it into a sound montage for their up and coming exhibition of the pictures they took and the drawings ey made.. but i wat i left was more than jus the sound bites, but a slice of each and everyone's life and what they truly felt.. it was pure magical.. i dun know their history but i noe eir dreams, wat they will strive for.. and each one wanted a different one.. but most wanted to make pertapis proud one day when they leave.. and most of their dreams involves givin back to society.. here's the weird thing.. i tink itz easier to get volunteers who are financially stable and had it relatively easy and those who has had the same past than those who are still striving hard to achieve their dreams and that consumes them all.. abt 3-4 wanted to make money so that ey cld help out others who has been in the same situation as em, others money to make life easier for them and the ppl they cld help wif that money..

den ere was tis one kid whom took an instant likin to me.. i guess he might be the same to all la.. and so i spent my first few minutes carryin tis kid ard, piggy backin him, spinnin him slowly(i didnt want to like dislocate tis guy's arms wifout knowin anythin abt him.. skali he like has loose arm sockets or wat).. and i tink i can apply the firm but fair thing in the army..HEY!!! i learnt sumthin useful after all..

and i learnt a new word.. its called abscond! in army terms it wld be AWOL to put it simply.. i mean, wldn't abscond be a better word to learn? than the AWOL.. and like, all the kids knew the word, but me and oni were like, wtf is tat word..

and how come tis sunday, everyone's askin if i'm free.. sadly, it was booked to all those i had to say no.. to my boss who wanted me to help out on the weekend, to lin whom i cant take photos for ya.and a few others la.. but i forgot.. i alrady took up two things la.. the sound montage and the sentosa outin!! haha.. lets hope its better than hangin out wif haz "pinchable cheeks" lin!! dun whine okie! we'll meet up soon.. and i wont haf a rosy cheeks.. not unless u make me take AK47!!hahaha..

AK-47.. y no M16 or SAR21 yet ar?

2007-07-15T11:17:00.000+08:00

mid july.. hmmm.. i tink tis is becomin my fav part of the year.. the mid year.. seems like lots of things been happenin!! wheee.. from where i left off..

encik kinda mellowed a bit.. he actually began explainin things.. haha.. which we usually do cos our men will like keep askin us y tis and y tat and how come us tis and how come us tat..

lets see.. last sun, met up wif cik bedah.. and if i tot i like to camwhore.. wa, den she can prove me wrong.. watched transformers!! and for a few days after tat, i cant get the sound krukrekrekreku off my head.. den i learnt from a shop owner tat russians gals are hot but proud.. i mean, okie la.. tats a stereotype la.. but she's like really passionate abt it though.. hahaha.. den she quote on like the previous customer.. den we walked all the way from orchard to raffles place(wif heels.. okie la,not me wearin heels, but it was her idea anyway) jus to cam whore...met amin and hafiz! okie, not together la, on separate occasion.. but i really didnt see hafiz till we were really close and he said hi.. for a moment, i was like eh, he looks familiar.. den like after walkin a few more steps after sayin bye, den i was like.. dang.. how the hell did he hide from my memory for a while.. i tink i'm slowly losin my memory.. den saw amin at cavenagh bridge..okies.. so den we sat at one of the benches.. surprised she actually brings a paperfan.. hehe.. okok, tis isnt like a detailed description la.. but we get by.. ouh yea!! it was live earth day! so i wore brown! cos i didnt haf green shirt.. den she wore white ringer tee wif green rings and she considers tat a green top.. if not, we wld haf been optimus treetron! me the trunk and den she become the leaves la.. okie, here i go crappin again..

den yesterday's NDP rehearsal.. wahh.. quite good le! hahaha.. like finally.. den saw my cousin ere.. he was like jus standin ere and lookin ard.. haha.. policeman! den after tat, went to zouk wif snore and a few of his poly fwens.. okie la.. was more into movin myself than gettin to know em.. not tat we cld actually talk while bein next to the sub woofer la.. at least subs la, not the main speakers.. if not, todae my ears will still be ringing.. so i finally tried the famed AK-47!! haha... been wantin to try it ever since i last drank wif lin.. which was quite a while ago.. and i must say, it is quite nicely strong.. though cld do wifout the salt.. den aiya, forgot to rehydrate last nite.. so now very the dehydrated.. drank 1liter already but still thirsty.. sighs.. but yea!! haf fallen in love wif it!! so goodbye my 151 love.. hellooooooo AK-47..

here's to june's adventures

2007-06-29T21:24:00.000+08:00

i'll try to randomly sum up the mth of june's happenings..

then ere's the endless marching parades tt we're involved in.. so tats every sat burnt for NDP, den ere's the 50th anniversary to do.. we completed the CO's parade, den ere's the SAF day which thankfully i never got to do.. den ere's gonna be our ORD parade.. haiyo, so much parades..

and as usual, the shit flows from top to bottom.. so us, wearin the rank which collects shit.. and i mean, literally.. our rank is V-shaped.. and mind u, 3 of them to support the amt tat we haf to take.. so the concaved part allows us to collect it on our arms.. so the big big turtle nags at our old bird, den the old bird nags at our time bomb and our time bomb explodes near to a toilet which is choked wif crap, and tat is how we get to collect the shit job and share them to our guys.. so well done.. if tis is how the real world is gonna work, den i guess i'm ready to face the crap out there.. and as my beloved OC told me.. if u can get by this 2 years, i'm sure u're ready for anything the world throws at ya.. and ouh yea, another thing which moved me.. nay, moved me to tears.. i mean, goddammit.. i was actually on the verge of cryin..

"i know you all come from different backgrounds, some of you happy families, some sad families ... but i want you to make your OWN HAPPY family."

todae i tink my encik learnt and applied a lesson on bringin down ur level to see wat ur subordinates see.. and i tink he actually enjoys it.. u noe how ironic it is when u're a commander? u tell everyone not to do this and that, dun do this and that.. but deep down, u noe tat not doin tis and tat, u can actually get to live longer, acquire immunity from bein the scapegoat and gettin shit drizzled on ur face. cos the more u do, the deeper u dig ur grave. make no mistake and u get the honour of diggin ur grave at another spot and ppl tink u're a good grave digger.. do it badly and they'll jus bury u in it and u haf to dig ur own self out of the grave u jus digged.

and itz the best job u can find.. u gain immunity from bein fired..i mean, which job offers such great benefits?? u cant resign, u cant quit, u cant get fired, u jus go on till u're let out.. so the more u do or the lesser u do, u still get the same dam pay.no matter how badly u perform or how well u perform, it jus reflects on urself.. and how do u motivate urself if u do menial jobs or jobs u dun even like and no compensation to make u actually do it.

here's a dazzling example:
A does nuthing at all, is always on medical shield, manages to intimidate the boss, is never around, skips almost every responsibilities, skive thru almost everything and nothing happens to him and he gets paid $X.

B does all the admin work for him, has a broken medical shield which he jus throws away anyways, is always around, gets picked for every mistakes he does, has to work doubly harder to cover for A, takes every responsibilities upon himself and has to answer for everything and he gets paid $X.

so u can call me shallow, but wat are his motivation? i really dun know except tat it comes from deep within.. but as for me, i'm only human.. i can be superman for a few days, den i accidentally get stabbed by kryptonite and i fall. so, wats the point of takin responsibilities if u get paid the same. u slack or u on, u get the same thing..

i tink i haf become a pessimist.. i haf become bitter, i became more selfish, i became more guarded, i became street smarter, i'm always ready with a reason for doin something so tat i wont get into trouble, i learn to be on at times and to switch off, i learnt tat u cant save everybody, i learnt to appreciate true friendship, i learnt not to be too eager to please when u're new, i learnt tat the ones who dun disturb u when u first come in are usually the most reliable and stable in the place, i learnt to separate social and professional duties.. and those who enter at the same time as u are usually the most trustworthy ones.. the older ones are jus ready to take advantage of you.. i learnt tat i haf been lucky, i dun haf to sleep in the same bunk as backstabbers, sly foxes, friendless ppl who haf been outcasted for their actions towards their friends. i'm thankful tat i sleep wif one who thinks of others before self, who will ask no questions to help you, who thinks for the others, who are fun, funny pranksters, who showed be tat no matter the differences, u can jus make fun of them and they will change a bit, who leads me to new explorations of new experiences, who are constantly evolvin to become better, who is not above the basic responsibilities..
this, i thank u fish, guan and jobi.. i'm grateful to the wonderful mix of regulars and NSF of my bunk.. for they are not regulars or NSF but fish, guan and jobi.. a team which helps each other in different aspects.. me the admin guy and alarm clock, hobi the other admin guy and willingly joins in the admin, fish the everything else tat i cannot do and guan the prankster and all time tink for others before thyself.. they dun exactly show it in major ways, but minute and small ways.. ok, enuf b4 i get all mushy again..

been runnin at east coast.. okie, so itz forced, but we enjoyed the fresher view of sand, sea and other such views u can find on the beach. and i hate anchor points tat brings me back bitter sweet memories.. itz sweet but now it leaves a bad tinge everytime i see the specific break water. dun ask me how i remembered the exact one but i tink its the same one. memories of u and me and cockroaches, of unabashed photo takings and of the short time we had.. of the beginning of the end.. ouh well..

can u love sumone for her personalities and inner beauty and then find u cant love her outer beauty? i bet u can, but itz damm harder than u think.. sadly, i'm not too oroud to say this but i am one of those rare ppl who has.. call me shallow, call me whatever, but i jus cldnt bring it up to do it. i wonder how beautiful it wld had been if i wasnt repulsed.. i'm pretty sure it wld haf been a blissful time.. sighs..

and i cld haf accidentally got to know a random stranger on the bus.. but she was like wat, still in sec skol.. sec 1 or 2 and sittin next to razi.. i was like showin sum card tricks la to razi.. den the guy forgot which card he had picked and the gal helpfully blurted the card out.. so okie la.. after the trick, i decided to show her my very own improvised trick.. haha.. itz like a combi of 2 techniques.. dang, if she was older, cld haf tried to talked to her more.. haha.. we got off the bus and we jus smiled and left.. we were bored, and come on, from marine parade to woodlands aint no short bus ride..

if you leave

2007-05-21T17:50:00.000+08:00

okie, so the title is random..

hmm, lets see. i got nuthin much to write but i'm in the mood to blog.. so how?

random tot of the day.. the title of the song which i'm currently listenin to..

and can they actually not call me when i'm on off?? like 2 calls already from the office and i'm actually on off. okie la, the first askin for my licence plate no of my bike.. speakin abt it, signed up for the defensive ridin course.. whee.. most prob gonna take it wif mat(giggs).. den heard shaq joinin too since cdc's one is ard 20 plus of june.. so cant wait too long.. yeay, can ride a new bike now.. cos i tink they dun use the bike cdc used.. and sighs.. must use long sleeve.. like waaattt? okie la, i still wear glove, but long sleeve like very hot le.. sighs.. anyways, shld be back in camp like abt an hour..

so lets see... wat has happened? here are the highlights of tis week or at least the last time i blogged.. in no praticular order.. since when was i organised.. haha

saw hanizah yesterday.. okie, so i really didnt remember her name.. actually, i only recognised her.. and to think i went for an overseas trip and remembered every1 else's name if i see eir face.. okie wait, ere is tis other gal whom i forgot the name, now tat i ran thru each person's face.. haha.. aaaaaaaaanywayyysssssss... so yea, we jus wavcd.. she looked refined actually.. haha.. like really grown up.. okie, she's not actually a teen, but yea.. drove eversince a long time actually.. den got one 125z bike next to me at one junction.. haha.. okie, so car wif pillion beat 125z wif pillion.. jus for the fun of it.. not tat we were ever racin in the first place.. it was like one of those dumb things u imagine.. hehe.. speakin of which, ouh yea, tried fairuz's 125z.. wahhhhh.. okie la, heavier than mine.. like really a lot heavier.. but his acceleration is much more smoother than mine le.. and he also says my throttle a bit keras... hmmm.. okies, so goin to auntie's next week.. if shaq can actually bring me ere.. hey, still learnin the bike places la..

anyways, i tink itz scary if u haf too much in common wif sum1 in a short span of time.. like as u get to know ppl, u find sum1, almost has the same thots as u, maybe on occasion complete ur sentence, and to think u haf never even met the person.. and itz only wat, less than a month, and u only speak sporadically.. but hey, i tink i shld be thankful.. which i am really.. well, u noe who u are.. so here's ur one min of fame in my blog.. haha..

watched the next karate kid like yesterday i tink.. well, only near the end.. then ere was tis quote..
I'll paraphrase cos i forgot the exact lines..

Mr Miyagi: julie san, fightin is bad, but if must fight, win! *i tink itz quite cheesy but it gave inspiration*

so,here's my version..
adlin san, fighting is bad.. so if kena tease, jus say oii and take it and dun tease back.. hahahahha..

okies, so next random tot..
i tink i'm kinda missin ed.. blardy bugger.. must be so happy when chelsea won.. haha.. hey, i was jumpin up and down too.. well, jus cos man utd lost la, not cos chelsea won.. haha.. but it was dam borin la.. if my mum didnt screamed in my ears twice, i wldnt haf woke up twice to watch the end.. which bring me to my next point.. i like get tired easily le.. now seem to sleep early too.. and i slept for like 11 hours plus last nite.. slept abt 11 like tat, den woke up at 10 plus the next morn.. sheesh..

met up wif sri on sun morn to pass her my camera.. woke up early actually.. den slept back and was late in the end.. haha.. so, forgettin my tank was almost empty, luckily the 7-11 lady was nice enuf to tell me the nearest petrol station.. and i never knew it existed in the first place la..

2007-05-12T08:01:00.000+08:00

yesterdae went out to finally meet up wif duck, su, sherlyn, and ying xia.. went to simpang to eat, well, ere i go again, ate my nasi goreng wif black pepper chicken, which was darn good minus the fact tat the rice was little, den finished up sherlyn's fish & chips. after sendin su back, went to sher's house to pick up james(who looked dam tired actually..), den went to a cheesecake cafe at siglap.. dam nice ambience la.. but wah liao le, really caterin to the siglap crowd le.. but their hazelnut milk was really really really nice.. haha.. wheee..

okies, random tot --- if everyones hates backstabbers, why are there backstabbers? haha..

aiya, i remembered got loads of other random tots in camp, sighs.. see la, now cant remember them..

okies, here's a quote.. "to seduce sumone, u need to already be seduced by them in the first place"

outings

2007-05-07T10:18:00.000+08:00

okie, here's the outings i went to which i forgot the dates.. haha..

first up:

met up wif lin! she was late as i expected.. but haha, in the end, only half an hour i tink.. so den went to timbre to haf a few drinks.. met ifte who was workin ere, and syed who was performin ere.. i guess we caught up a bit, well, actually a lot.. haha.. and so i have found a wing(wo)man if i ever need one one of these days.. though it seems tat that need hasnt arrived yet.. haha.. so den went to orchard to meet up wif 4 of her other fwens.. stayed at starbucks for a while.. den ere we were bitchin abt the ppl ard us.. omg, i'm such a biatch when i'm wif her.. haha.. wheee...

2nd:
actually i dun remember if ere was a second.. haha.. ouh wait, went out wif snor and razi.. den went to al-sheik.. met shaza and irfan, and like 2 other ppl.. khairul and the gal, i forgot her name the 3rd time.. haha.. oopss. den ere was tis hot waitress servin us.. while the other 2 were bumblin(is ere such a word??) around, i tried my best to keep a convo.. haha.. ouh well, ere it was.. jus tat la.. sumtimes circumstances dun permit such stuff.. haha.. ouh well.. and i tink all 3 were feelin the heat a bit... haha.. ouh well..

3rd: went to watch tis musical wif snor.. oni gave us the free tickets.. so jus go la.. omggggggggggggggg.. it was like propaganda right in front of ur face!! no subtly or watever.. dang.. aiya, at least dun say it direct in ur face la.. ouh well, it was nice songs la, but lack the drama of a staged performance.. it was called labour of love.. and the ending where the NTUC words flashed and sparkled, tat was like the wth part.. and it was huge!! sheesh.. relax la on the advertisement.. den went back to snor's house, so jus lepak at his house la.. den went to the internet cafe near the coffee shop and i itchy hand go log into friendster.. and boy, ere we go.. so i met a new fwen.. haha.. nerdilicious..okie la, quite an interestin fellow..

4th: found out i'm involved in NDP marching contingent.. god knows whether i'm proud or dejected.. even i dun noe.. so friday booked out, went wif vick to shoot his documentary abt the bangla workers in s'pore.. hmmm, quite interesting la.. den in between the shoot, lin msged "battlefield tonite".. so okie la, after the shoot, went to meet up wif sum of the dyl ppl to play battlefield.. went to al majlis, but by the time i reached ere, ey were already goin off.. so followed viv to el-sheikh to smoke sheesha.. since like tats the main reason i went ere.. so it was me, viv, and like 4 of his fwens.. lets see if i can get eir names rite.. one is jasmin, shereen?(sounds like tat), (i forgot tis one) and ming shiu? hahah.. okie, since i mostly only had convo wif jasmin and shereen, so yea la, of course i remember em more.. den after tat went to bukit timah plaza wif viv and met up wif the rest.. fairoz met us ere, and so we played till like abt 7 plus am.. den went back to camp and slept.. woke up at 10 plus to draw arms.. and by noon, we were off.. i was like a zombie actually.. but not too tired for sum weird reason..

so yea, abt ere la.. in between, finally actually chatted wif rai.. haha.. itz been ages, never said a word den boom.. haha.. the aspirin cupid.. haha.. so i spent my whole sunday chattin on the net.. sheesh.. but okie la.. and sumtimes, history wont let u go and it seems to be back to haunt u.. sumtimes, maybe i jus shldnt run away.. but principles keep me runnin.. maybe sumday i might be able to embrace it..

so now, lets crete a new name for a flower! haha.. whee.. i got a few names for the flower.. discuss it more if i see u again.. haha.. itz gonna be a long battle for it!!

and i actually got farhana's blog.. haha.. whee..

http://deadpoetsenclave.blogspot.com/

2007-04-26T19:30:00.000+08:00

i made another blog.. itz called http://deadpoetsenclave.blogspot.com/.. itz goin to be my poetry blog.. wheeee... now to korek-korek all my poems.. the link is under "his heart and soul" button on ur right.. haha.. den where, ur left?

a beautiful movie

2007-04-23T11:23:00.000+08:00

last night, i had the most happiest of dreams.. not really happy, but it was a beautiful one, where i patched up a grave mistake and it was back to being normal again.. the smiles, the same feelings were intact.. as if, it never really left me.. i was elated again, jus like i was a few months back.. but sadly, as usual, it was jus a dream.. though y cant i realise it was a dream, den i would have jus made the same mistakes again, since it cant be better.. so i rectified a lot of what i did wrong.. hopin to start afresh.. i guess we are all hoping to start with a clean slate.. to start all over and not relive the mistakes, though we will make new ones, but at least it was another shot.. another shot where maybe, the feelings would jus evaporate, and no one knows y.. but anyways, so there, it remained in the world of dreams and imagery.. nothing real ever happens.. and god dun say i never tried.. maybe not too hard.. i guess, i usually let the other party continue, i walk half way, and if they dun meet me at the halfway point, den i'll jus turn back.. maybe tats the problem.. i dun go all the way and den bring them all the way back.. hmmmm

asphalt and rubber

2007-04-23T01:36:00.000+08:00

todae i experienced the joy of mixing rubber with asphalt.. okie, so now the roads are not made wif tat much asphalt, but still.. after a few days of refraining from sittin on my bike, after i cleaned it up.. sheesh.. leave it in the multi story carpark for jus one month and guess wat, spiders started making itself at home.. and i was like, dang, how come so many cobwebs all around.. sighs.. haha.. well, i took like half a day cleanin the dan thing up.. but ouh well, the darn spark plug was bein a bitch.. at least, it didnt died on the expressway.. lucky jus abt to leave the petrol station.. so made a quick pit stop and off to the.. erm, okie, wats the like a bridge near the seletar airbase again? well, yea, there.. i dunno, been my recluse.. it was ere when i spent my last day of army virginity, it was there when i felt like ridin but had no where to go and it was there tat i jus spent like half an hour, jus to stare at nothing and no tots ran through my head.. hey, for sumone who thinks too much for his own good, it was an almost surreal feeling.. so i jus stared blankly at the waters, its rippples jus have this weird soothing sense about it.. okie, so i seem to love to be besides water.. but ouh well, and den the rode back was a lil weird.. i sped like i have never done before.. okie, maybe i haf gone faster than jus now la, but todae, it was running like, to put it as i love to say, in full syncro.. itz like when the noise the darn bikes make becomes soothin, almost smooth.. and my mirror dun do any 360 spin anymore.. where the road becomes a bit blurry, but u noe itz still there.. for some weird reason, it felt really good.. jus the tyres and road and friction keeping me alive and i depended on nothing else.. well, cept myself la..

drivin has never made me feel tis way.. maybe cos like drivin was much more soothing than ridin i guess.. when i drive, esp when it was a trip to no where, there's a calm serenity about it.. i can go auto and drive.. but for a bike, u cant really go auto.. u haf to become one.. okie, tis is quite crappy la, but random tots running thru my head.. feelin elated a bit.. i mean, never expected it but itz a nice surprise to get a message, no matter how impersonal it was.. and my glove is tearin apart.. haha, minus the fact of my nails.. which reminds me.. i shld cut them a bit.. okie, maybe itz vanity or practical reasons but i seem to not like to cut my nails.. so i haf girly nails, but hey, ey're healthy wifout manicures.. haha.. though.. hmmm.. nahhhh.. nvm.. okie, i haf always had tis urge to go for one.. but u noe, no reason yet to go.. and the army is evil to anything beautiful.. even if i did go, it wld be ruined.. hmm.. wait a min, now i'm talkin like a gal.. time to go cut my nails..

den finally gave fana her pooh which was like wayyyy overdued.. haha.. hope the wait was worth it.. hey, i did win it but tis shootin game which i became addicted to in taiwan.. itz the airgun and u shoot the balloons to win.. only tried the handguns one.. okie, so i always had a fascination wif hand guns.. esp the, okie, dunno wat itz called but itz the black one, semi auto, and like when u shoot, the round comes out and the bolt goes back.. hmmm, sounds like all the other hand guns huh? well, here's to more random tots.. and i tink i'm gettin the thrill of writing again.. hmmm, the exponential factors.. less time in camp, more ideas flow.. i guess it is true that the helmet makes u dumber than usual.. ouh well, maybe jus less opportunity to write i guess..

met up wif shaq, fana, izad and nordin(is tat how u spell ur name?).. itz been a while really.. jus lepak bawa block.. i guess if i never moved, i wld haf been lepakin wif em ever since 6 mth ago la.. but ouh well, and itz like wat?10 mths already in my last camp? how time flies.. i vaguely remembered the first time i stepped into the camp.. the dred and everyone tryin to be positive but inside, we really felt like shit.. and how "on" we were.. den as time goes by, bein "on" meant gettin more shit and so everyone slackened.. i guess tis is the worst/best disease ever tat happens in the workplace.. the more hardworkin u are, the more things you get.. tat depends if u are doin wat u love or hate.. itz like, the more shit job u do, the more the shit piles.. but like, if u're doin sumthin u love, the more u do, the better u get and u feel dammmm gooddd.. i guess i love to make mistakes but dun like the unreasonable punishments i could get.. itz like, i'm fuckin doin ppl's job and if i do a mistake, ere goes the weekend.. i mean, i'm okie coverin duties for ppl, esp guard duties.. but after one incident, all i noe is tat i swore i wld never do another person's duty.. i kena cheated la since he told me,albeit mispronouncing it a bit ambiguously.. i heard him say guard 3 but i tink he said guard c.. so ere, i was sodomised but tis fat ass contradictory staff.. he follows by the book, or so he says but he breaks them almost all at once.. same goes for COS duties.. before tat, i didnt mind doin ppl's duties.. but after a few of them gettin fucked for like nothing, or so in the name of "not doin ur duties".. i mean, hell, even encik haf a hard time gettin ppl, wat more the freakin 3rd sergeant, who's like abt 3 rank below?? and to do shit job.. i mean, da la nak get volunteers susah nak mampos, den do shit job which no ones wants to do.. itz the UNWILLING DOING THE UNWANTED.. but i do salute to those who do it.. cos they are really the ones runnin the show here.. and here, i go kudos to my section.. aka the sai kang section and me the sai kang sect commander.. so after almost 10 mth, i realised i have regressed.. i wld rather lock myself up than be seen.. cos the law of arrowin is as follow, if u are unlucky enuf to be at the wrong place at the wrong time, den u're arrowed.. and in order not to be arrowed, it means bein stealthy, offing ur phone or never pickin up any calls.. which den makes encik pissed off.. but hey, either he's pissed at everyone or we're pissed at everyone.. i mean, jus make one person pissed la better than everyone.. so there, inefficiency rules the workplace.. and like, hey of course la we become less efficient.. shldnt the one paid more do more work? esp when the appointment is the same?? i mean, sure, we all have different roles to play when holdin different appointments, but shldnt the same appointment be doin work fairly, esp when they are paid more? so like, sure la, worker and manager get diff pay for diff work commitment.. but wldnt u get pissed if two managers, one lowly paid and the other higher paid, but supposed to the same dang thing.. and the lowly paid does most of the job? of course la efficiency wld drop dramatically unless he has other motivating factor.. and like, the lowly ones always kena the scolding when we are tryin our best not to screw anything up and the higher up screws things up, but ey dun get much of an earful?? okie, so finally i'm pourin up.. i guess it has become a sad workplace.. which is y i cant really wait to leave.. and do sumthin which i might haf to do shit work but in a way, i get experience to be better.. cos we need groundwork to do the topwork i guess.. tats jus me la, let me make mistakes but scolding is fine, cos i will learn from it.. call me the perfectionist who needs to fuck up and a conducive environment, cos it is a learnin process..

sure, i learnt responsibility in the army.. but hey, tis responsibility comes wif a price.. and why does it suck? cos if u sign sumthin out, the thing is tat, u dun even handle most of it and haf to redistribute it out.. den like everyone else dun give a shite abt losing those things.. den if anything is lost, the scapegoat aka the fucker sergeant who dumbly sign things out kena.. which is another main factor for the inefficiency that is omnipresent..

and i dunno y i'm dissectin all that happened in my stay.. but i guess itz nice to let it out a bit..

till the next long post..

the mountainous lies

2007-04-17T23:14:00.000+08:00

holy crap.. i haf jus realised tat itz been a while since i last updated.. i had a million things on my mind since my last visit to R.O.C..

well, the weather wasnt so nice.. it was like freezing.. sumtimes, we endured temperatures of 13 degrees C.. and the cold wind blowing thru you.. so lets start from the first day.. the first day of mountain climbin was a nice one, cold wind, unbuttoned shirt(at least mine was).. it was a great climb, the cold winds ensured my body never got overheated, the mixed drinks provided me wif unknown energy reserve in my body and all was well.. so the 2nd time i climbed, it was ok, a bit more tired than the first but the most exciting is when i lost one of my point man, my only point man tat is.. suddenly he was lost and after abt 2 km ahead, when i checked, he was gone.. so back tracked all the way, nearly to the summit of the mountain*we jus called it the pylon*.. and thankfully i chose the right path at a y junction.. tats when i walked past him and suddenly i heard a crackle in the grass behind me.. me and my ps turned, jus rooted to the spot, wif our torch shining at the general direction.. it stopped for a milisecond and continued.. out body stiffened and ready to face wat ever creature tat was moving.. we called out his name, no response.. for some reason, we stepped towards the sound even though we were scared shit.. i promise i wont make fun of the dumb characters in scary movies if they start moving towards sounds which are potentially dangerous and we know it, they know it, but the body sumtimes refuses to acknowledge the fear but embraces curiosity.. den suddenly we saw a dark figure sitting up.. to tell the truth, i tot which god dam vampire or wat suddenly woke up from his slumber and is ready to suck me dry.. but it turned out to be him.. and god dam i was relieved.. my worst fear was tat he fell and is now lying unconscious or he was kidnapped.. since ere was like a few abandoned houses ard the track tat we trekked.. so, after abt 2 hours of searching for him, we finally found him..

so next milestone.. climbing the same pylon route.. it was the first time i was completely exhausted.. both mentally and physically.. i slowed down a lot, took my own rests when the rest moved.. it was a low point in the trip.. for some weird reason, my legs refuses to cooperate and gets tired very easily.. den i knew i was doomed.. i was in praying position as i cldnt climb up.. i worshipped the ground abt at least 4 times as my whole body gave way to the weight.. but the strongest team member, haider was ere to the rescue... he took my pack and his and jus siad lets go and i climbed.. i was ere to give up, but if he cld carry 2 bags, y cant i jus carry myeslf.. it was almost inspirational.. and den a few moments later, i was carryin my own bags and him pulling me up by pulling my hands.. and i must say, it worked wonders to my body.. i jus gave in to the pull and pushed myself ahead.. and i knew, at tat moment, tears were jus rolling down my eyes.. cos at the brink of exhaustion and givin up, i was given the most precious inspiration, hope.. hope tat i will reach the top.. okie so tat aside..

on my birthday, i climbed another mountain.. it was better though.. i was more inspired and sumwat more energetic than before.. but tats not the point.. ouh well, we reached the next obstacle.. and i nearly got the best birthday present.. i was the last 2 survivor.. me and my commando.. though sadly we both "died" at the expense of some dumb simulated vehicle role play.. tat was my most pissed off moment.. i was nearly a hero.. well, nearly.. me, arie and haider was the last 3 survivors before the vehicle wiped us out and den left.. and nuthin happened to it.. i was soooo pissed.. but ouh well.. it wasnt a good day.. but wth.. it was over..

and the next 13 days later, it was best forgotten.. but i learnt tat i get irritated easily when ppl become lazy doin duties.. i mean, we all gotta sleep and all, but must guard ourselves wat.. dunno wat will happen if all sleep and leave all our things ard.. tat was the day i gave up on ppl.. but after sulkin a bit, i rejoined em.. i guess i'm jus like tat.. if i'm not happy wif ya, jus leave me alone for a bit and all is forgotten.. at least the angry part is.. itz like, a memory but wif no feelings.. like i remember the incident, but i forgot the feeling.. itz kinda good cos makes me forgive easily and not hold a grudge against ya.. not unless i really really dun like ya..

my cash got stunned.. lost like 300 plus sing.. goddammit.. but luckily the rest of the stuff was intact..sighs..

so whee.. comes the amusement park moments now.. i took like almost every ride i never took and my fav ones too.. and "free-falling" on ur seat was jus almost the most exhilarating moment i cld ever haf.. it was called the "UFO".. okie, so i'll admit it, after it climbed abt 60metres up, i was wonderin wat the hell am i doin on this dumb chair and tat which is goin to drop me down 80metres.. i was scared shit but i loved every moment of it.. esp when it suddenly dropped.. it was the combination of fear and embracing it till i can like look down.. okie, after half a second, den i was brave to look down and embrace the exciting part for abt 3 seconds before it was all over..

den ere was tis other ride called the screeching condour.. okie, so i didnt take pic of it cos my batt was dead.. kinda.. i did get a pic wif the gal i sat next to.. haha.. she was kinda cute in a nerdy way.. ouh well.. but dang.. her bf was a wuss.. okie,so after i took the pic wif her, den went up.. cos the entrance was at the basement.. but a bit like a rabun moment before i took the pic.. cos ere was a place to put my specs in la.. den after the ride, we both were lookin for my specs even though we both looked for it at the same spot, we both didnt notice it.. haha.. den finally found it and took a pic wif her.. when we got up, her bf picked her up.. i was like, dang.. almost like de ja vu.. wats wif me and attached personnels?? but really, her bf must haf been a wuss since he jus left her to take the ride alone.. and y i was alone? cos jazman had 2nd tots on riding the ride and left me, haider and khai when we went down.. den i turned behind and was like, eh, where's jazman?? den we looked up and he was up ere waving to us and smilin.. ouh well, it all happened for a reason.. and the ride wasnt really scary as it seemed..

den we took tis water rife where like the 6 of us were on tis raft and we went thru like rapids and meanders.. it was fun!! we were all tryin not to get wet by steering the "boat".. it was a circular boat.. the first one, my back got all wet.. den for the rest, i managed to steer out of the water.. it was the most fun ride cos everyone was tryin to stay dry..though my necklace broke.. the chain at least.. luckily the pendant was intact..

spent the last day shoppin the whole day.. wheee.. got an abercombie red shirt, stussy long sleeved top, adidas jacket, 2 wallets..socks, 2 collared shirt.. and tats abt it.. plus 2 soft toys i won at a balloon shootin game..

ode to the soldiers of 4.3

2007-02-17T00:26:00.000+08:00

jus came back from a 4 days 4 nite jungle exercise.. and finally i can say tis is wat shack is.. and no matter how tired we are, to fight the objective, we all spared no cumbersome energy.. and there and then, on the last attack on the 4th day, i saw in my company, tat we're a fighting unit.. seein ur friends with u and seein them fight with you, u jus dun wan to lose them.. anyways, todae, i tink some of my section mate thinks i'm dissapointed in them.. but really.. i'm burstin wif pride, no matter what they've done.. so here's a toast to them:

to black, my newest addition to my section, sure, we have arguments almost every other day, but out in the field, my best point man.. actually he's my only point man.. but tats not the point.. a bit too well camouflaged when walkin at nite, to the point tat i lose him sumtimes, but he'll always be there in front of me, makin sure i actually see him, he'll ensure that i dun lose him easily, at every bend, at every blind spot, he'll ensure i noe where the hell he is..

to arie, my very own commando.. i'll leave him alone and everything will be fine as long as i can keep my eyes close on how he does it and what happens in between.. sure i find it hard to control him sumtimes, but hell, i hardly control them much.. he's very much a commander in his heart and with pride he leads.. or at least, he leads himself and other will follow.. one of my 2 most overworked guys, he'll do things but wif lots of complains.. we grew a bit apart. but he's the 2nd "sergeant" in the section.. sumtimes, i tink i'll be doin a lot more things if he's not ard..

to bulu, my 2IC who happens to be dila's coursemate.. i remembered the expression on his face when they announced my name to be in his section. it made me smile and know everything was gonna be alright.. a bit clumsy, esp with him towering over everybody.. he's the mr strong on diet.. he embodies the essence of a good commander in commander's eyes.. but sadly, he doesnt fare too well in the eyes of his fellow mates. always with an excuse for everything, till the latest incident.. kept him quiet for a while.. the mentally strong one in the grp.. the most vocal one without shouting.. never too much vulgarities with him ard..

to jojo, my verbal fuck buddy.. grew close to him durin the first san yong kong field camp.. he jus so happen to sleep next to my bed.. and we're been fuckin each other up every single day i see him.. the most fragile lookin guy, he carries the biggest gun with the most ammo and blind as a bat.. but he pushes on, and tat, is commitment till the end.. but i haf high regards for him, esp during outfield.. the 2nd smart guy in my section, seein all his jc fwens leave, i'm still in awe of wat keeps him goin on.. but i'm thankful, watever the push is..

t smimbo f shimbo

2007-02-16T23:27:00.000+08:00

i read sumwhere tat we have tis notion tat love will last forever but love isn't always like tat..it comes and go any time it please and stay for as long as it wish.. so dun fret tat it makes u feel vulnerable and dun be surprised tat it suddenly leaves.. but jus be glad tat u've experienced it.. so brings me back to tis random tot tat i had on the way back from camp.. i've tot long and hard abt all the ppl i went out wif.. it seemed only a few i haf shed tears for.. some i shed more than others, some longer than others.. but they all haf made me better.. sure we learn bit by bit on the mistakes..

but itz weird tat if we fall fast, we fall out fast too.. the last gal i dated more than one day, well, we jus went out thrice.. we fell fast and i pushed my luck and it backfired.. and now, i'm reelong in, watchin diy videos of her baldin with me and pics of her and me which i never posted up.. and as i watched the videos, i have to relive those moments, how her hands felt, the way she smiled, the way she poses for pics, her insecurities when takin pics, the things she taught me, the smile tat my face was always plastered with.. anyways itz weird, tat now, i'm blocked from her msn.. i wonder how i'll react if i see her one day.. wld i jus smile or walk away or wld i jus walk away or wld we actually talk.. i wont noe till the day comes..

and i'm kinda perplexed.. out of all the talks of creatin a racially harmonious army, where ppl from different race, background and education lvl stay in the same bunk, why cant the non-munjens be entrusted wif the duty of protecting our own camp this lunar new year??????? den wat more the talk of protectin the country, protecting the very soil we were made from and the very soil we will return.. not tat i'm complainin, not as if i'm involved in the guard duty list tis week.. but just, i see my chinese men havin to do guard duty on chinese new year and it breaks my heart.. to tell them is even worst.. but thank god tats the PS's job..

falls into place

2007-02-03T08:43:00.000+08:00

things all happen for a reason.. sure we may not see the reason now.. but yea.. even misfortunes sometimes happen to ya so tat a bigger one doesn't happen.. for example.. my freakin bike.. itz the same as my freakin computer when i 2nd got it.. problems and more problems.. but thru these problems, i learn abt the dumb bike faster than i ever will... hell, i noe more abt bikes now than i do abt cars.. and i lost the stuuupiid road tax.. flew away sumwhere.. so now my bike's in the shop bein overhauled.. how does tis link? it flew away tellin me not to ride the darn bike for now till everything is better.. so yea..

and dreams.. i mean, literally the night dreams.. maybe sumtimes i take it too real.. like last week.. dreamt i got myself an eye of horus.. i wasnt sure if it was the eye of horus or not.. but when i woke up and checked on the net, it was the eye of horus.. and in the day before i got the dream, i was tryin to reduce a fever on one of my men.. and tat session, my 3rd eye was like goin crazy and openin up.. so i went to city hall, and the bike died jus as i entered the carpark.. and i did find an eye of horus at spellbound.. wat are the chances ur bike decidin to die and tell ya u cant move anyways, might as well get it.. so there we go..

so now i'm freakin broke.. broke like i haf never been broke before.. and yet, i'm still goin out.. sighs.. hehe.. well, if u cant keep a promise which is within ur control, might as well dun make one..

so how bout infusin the ol' craft of harnessin energy into reiki? tryin it slowly.. seems pretty well, now to jus learn to balance everythin up.. earth energy and light energy..

hmmm, ATEC stage 1 REDCON 1!! woots.. okie, every1's kinda surprised by tis result. i mean, our preparations were almost minimal. compared to wat i imagined it to be.. i imagined like days and days of diff rehearsals and stuff but hell, it was a few things here and ere, and we we finished quite early since most of the guys were proficient la. tat one gotta gif em credit.. and last min cramping always works for individual station..

habba happah

2006-11-11T12:39:00.000+08:00

hmmm.. it has been a while.. finally gettin my voice back thru my fingers..

now prac 8!! sure missed a lot of prac updates.. but had to cancel it for sum exercise.. sighs.. oh well, ere's still next week.. and all tat happened, happened for a reason..

and yea, as duck always tells me, patience.. and sumhow, sumday, it will come along.. and it jus might.. so we'll haf to see if it does...

i grew up registering pessimism as the best pre reward of optimism.. if u tink tat everytime sumthin is goin to fail, or u wont make it or u'll get rejected by sumthin, and u still try it and u do get it, den hey itz double joy.. if not, itz the same thing all over again.. wifout puttin ur hopes too high, u wont fall too hard if u fall.. and so, after 21 yrs of goin for the wrong things in life, maybe i jus might haf found my emancipation from fallin on solid thorn after smelling the rose. this time, ere may not be a thorn in the first place. so i tink i finally managed to kick the habit after 4 long yrs.. woah.. oh wait, i'm not supposed to be too excited.. haha.. but the prospect.. but in reality, i noe itz goin to be hard. for i haf little time here. maybe max 2 yrs? but i wont wait tat long.. cos really, i haf to fly out..

things are startin to brighten up.. tis week, i actually cld smile a lot more.. things didnt seem so bad no matter how bad they are.. and if the goin gets tough, the tough gets distracted.. i realised in PT, tat is i jus concentrate on a nice tot, or cute tot, or a "happah" tot, things gets easier, u can show ur men tat u really dun feel tired and the most crunching of PT is not so bad.. so think lots of happah tots..

food for thoughts

2006-09-24T18:59:00.000+08:00

Jones's Law - the guy who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on

Perrussel's Law - There's no job so simple that it can't be done wrong

Law of Reality - never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose

Weiler's Law - nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

heh.. so itz the first day of fasting.. and my first day of prac 5.. failed it.. but oh well... 16 points only.. not too bad considering i formed up wrongly at the slope and all.. the only prob is always time.. sighs... no time haf money.. okie, off to break ma fast..

lost hope and faith to the real world

2006-09-17T20:40:00.000+08:00

learnt a lot durin this month in the army.. and it shatters the love and harmony and trust i have for the world. for the real world here dun reflect this. itz selfish and every man for himself and if u lose sumthin, u go steal it to prevent uirself from bein in trouble.. and everythin goes to preventin urself from bein in trouble.. be it costin sumone else to be in trouble.

i learnt i cant trust no one except those whom i have grown up in school together for the past one year. they are the only ones i shld trust. everyone else is jus out to save their ass and get u in trouble. i learnt how to say no to helpin others cos they will jus burn you. and it happened twice for the past 2 weeks. so i've been burnt. i've been abused and cheated and lied but at least i made my own judgement. my own opinions, and no matter how unfounded it is, it will at least protect me. i learnt we cant leave our own things lyin ard, no matter how stupid we think it is to be stolen. and i shld keep everythin locked, cos everythin is liable to be stolen.

and if i dun trust the person from day one, i really mustn't try to change my opinion of him by helpin him out. esp when ppl tell me the person is a cunning and conniving ass.. but why did i help even when all this is known, itz cos i cld help.. but not anymore!

and i learnt not to give too much leeway for my undercharge. cos it'll mean i'll get my ass whipped.. and the less popular u are, the safer u are from bein ur ass whipped..

i guess this mth, i learnt the worst attitudes i have always strayed from.

hehe.. my bike's goin pretty good.. now goin for prac 5 next week if i dun haf to cancel it.. at least tats sumthin good.. didn't get to see wats her name though.. but oh well.. yest, i managed to do things which i never tot i'll do.. like ask for a gal's no in the bus.. haha.. but got a busted no.. but oh well, at least i tried.. but dam was i nervous to the bone.. lets try it again another time.. i'm sure i'll get better each time.. haha.. okie, so a lil more abt her..

i really dun remember how she looks like.. but all i noe was tat she was wearin red tudung(yes, yes.. sumthin like liz, kind to tink of it, she's as fair as her too) red top and a red bag.. but i remembered her nose was quite sharp.. i managed to sit next to her since it was rather full.. haha.. and sittin beside her was quite a life-changin event.. i dunno, but sittin next to her, i was like really nervous yet a nice feelin enveloped me.. so yea, i told myself, it was now or never.. yea, like at my last stop before i got down.. asked for her no and she asked y.. dun really remembered wat i blabbered but she gave me.. but oh well, itz a bogus one.. sighs.. though she did put her book back into her bag after i got down.. saw her since the bus i took next caught up at the red light.. but oh well, ere's always another day..

so now goin back to camp.. hope ducky's doin okie..

8-12

2006-08-19T10:58:00.001+08:00

gdmfknnbccb!!

so anyways, i'm half pissed cos i still can clear the dam figure 8 and tis is my 3rd time... godammit.. now i haf to go for my 4th time.. well, and itz always the same dam thing.. u jus touch the 11 sec mark.. bla bloa bla.. and i rode like faster than the last session and tat session was 11 sec too.. and he didn't even time my last one which i felt really thrillin since i rode like faster than usual durin the whole session.. goddammittt..

so anyways, the past few days, managed to get sum social life tat doesn't haf to do wif army.. met lots of ppl tis week.. ere's dila and nik, ben,mudz, khai and then ere's my (ex)section mates azree, zul, fi,ajay, jon, max and hatta...hell, i met half of them at borders.. since we're on tis topic.. i sumtimes wonder how they classify books.. i mean sure, sum are like normal, but sum are jus plain abnormal.. like sigh language books are next to the sex/intimacy shelves and books on disabilities are below the sex/intimacy shelf. and new age is metaphysics which is under science.. and paulo coelho's books are under metaphysics.. waaa?? they shld be under like pholosophy or lit man.. hmmm, anythin else? oh yea the pink hair clip gal.. *grins* i guess sum things jus dun change.. like me likin attached gals.. itz like i cant seem to like single gals.. i'm jus like the poor insect who gets lured into the venus flytrap.. slowly she encompasses ur mind and when her image fills ur head everytime, u either do sumthin or dun.. and if u dun, well, u jus get eaten and a part of u will die.. and if u try to struggle wif it, u get a chance tat u may fly free..

so anyways, i'm fighting atec on monday.. wow weee... how exciting.. wif 2 SIR..

super sexy sheesha smoker

2006-08-06T20:31:00.000+08:00

i lived in a too protected world. which makes me quite safe and oblivious to lots of dangers.. which in turns make me too trusting of people, even if i dun know them. which i dun noe if itz a good thing or not.. i always believed such stories of sorrow wld belong to the men i meet in camps. then i realised that the people next door sometimes share the same stories and life experiences. and as we share these stories, we wld then begin to see how lucky or troublefree some of our lives have been.

i have lives an almost comparatively troublefree life. my parents have done almost everything which i hear other people wished their parents did for me.. which made me wonder, they sure have the right combination to raise me.. they did almost everythin rite.. they never had to be too worried abt me bein a rebel.. since they never let me rebel against anything(if they never disallowed me to do anythin i wanted, wats ere to rebel against??) the closest one was learinin to ride a bike.. they convinced me enuf to take the car instead.. and now when i took the bike licence, they even volunteered to drive me ere if they're goin to the market since itz on the way.. we go out as a family, even till now.. esp when i haf nuthin to do, i'll jus follow.. if not, they'll go out on their own.. though i sumtimes wished they held hands more often.. usually it'll be my mum's iniative.. well, wat can i say? my dad's a man of few words who show his love through his action.. he was never the wordsmith nor the bard... and my mum's the talk everything under the sun kinda person.. so wat happens to me, i haf loads to talk abt, jus tat i can't really talk abt it but find easier to write/type abt it. so i guess tats y my blogs are kinda lengthy sumtimes..

and so, i realised that deep inside, all tat i wan of a girlfriend for now, is tat she can communicate thru touch and dun get easily irritated of my almost plan-less life. hey, i really embrace carpe diem. and she must really be open to spirituality and new age. sum1 who cld blabber all the way wld be a plus point though.. well, she cant be totally dumb, cos i'll jus die of the lack of subjects i can talk abt.. able to withstand my moods.. cos i behave according and do things according to my mood.. i guess tats y addiction is not tat much of a problem for me.. i guess my choice of a galfriend is not tat picky.. and she mustn't look tat bad.. the only prob is, i must meet ya face to face before i dare to do anythin else..

oh yea, and i already used the paper flower idea.. haha.. didnt really tot i wld use it yet since i was reservin it to like pass my no to a gal.. like write my no on the leaf and then passin it to her while she was doin watever she was doin.. but i suddenly felt like makin the paper flower and wat a fat flower it was.. haha..but i must admit, it was quite beautiful.. it had volume tat most of the other napkin didnt haf since they were all so thin anyways.. but i didnt expect shaz to keep it though but it was nice tat she's keepin it.. =)
one fine day, another opportunity will come and if i haf to find an excuse to procrastinate till i find the courage, i jus might make a bouquet.. though tat means i haf to find coloured papers now.. but i still liked the subway's paper napkin.. their green logo makes a great leaf..

the life that was never meant to be

2006-07-30T19:16:00.000+08:00

wat a hell of a week.. full 4 days of body slamming, rolling and writst twisting training.. and we still got 2 more weeks to go.. close combat course.. whoopedeedoo.. 8 to 5 everyday.. the only drawback.. itz at pasir laba.. which is like the other side of the world for me.. sighs.. i love the lunch breaks! esp since farouk would be ere to provide some form of dumb entertainment to us all during our hang out spot at club 1212.. wat a name for a place.. it sounds like club hantu hantu.. btw, itz quite quiet anyways..

i found out wat the thingy was called .. from my previous blog... itz called psychometry.. yea, so anyways..

wat a day saturday was.. firstly my mum woke me up to tell me tat my dad needed to use the car till 5 plus in the evening.. so i tot abt it and finally found a new plan for the day.. den later in the afternoon, i got ditched by my date.. sighs.. last minute grandma prob.. so ere i was frantically sms-ing ppl to ask if ey're free to watch ducky's performance later tonite.. the only prob was tat i was supposed to find a malay friend.. which i haf difficulty since i haf lil malay friends and the play was in malay.. so finally cit told me she cld go.. whee.. so made my rendezvous wif me dad after i pulled the dammned tampoline and den went to pick her up.. and as usual, we got lost in between getting our way ere.. the last time i drove wif her in my car, we got lost too.. haha..

i cld do a review of the whole 3 plays here, but wats the point, most won't understand anyway and i missed the talkback session since cit had to go home early.. so after sendin her home, met back wif ducky and the rest of the cast at al sheikh.. shaza(i tink tats how u spell her name) found me familiar.. though i noe i haven seen her in person before this.. saw like lots of photos though.. so kinda know who's who.. so anyways, she was quite sweet in lettin me be manja and her holding the sheesha pipe for me while i jus did nuthing but smoke it.. duck was a lil mean cos she like to pull it out while i was smokin it halfway.. hmmph.. haha.. so i was a lil high.. or rather in an altered state of mind as i prefer to call it... haha.. so i tink duck witnessed a side of me she never saw before.. haha.. but she was 3/4 stoned and tired, so dunno if she rememebered much.. heh.. i jus realised that if i used the wrong words, the whole paragraph would be quite heavily sexualised.. minus the fact that yesterday i had an overdose of innuendos already..

here's the weird part.. the only other time i remembered bein so chatty wif a person i barely knew was wif yanie.. and here it happens again for the 2nd time..

for some weird reason, yesterday's last min cancellation didnt really affect me tat much at all.. i'm still numb, i dun feel anythin.. hmmm.. i guess itz nice tat i dun feel too much affected.. and now i contemplate if i shld find another date to go out wif her.. i still havent the energy to shcedule another day.. if it was any other time, i guess i wld haf made the plans.. but tis moment now, i jus feel like doin nuthin..

anyways, can some1 actually fill up ur mind, visits u in ur dream and every random tots will slowly shift itself to her.. but u noe u dun like her.. as in, the heart tells u no while ur head fills itself wif her image everytime it has nuthin else to tink abt.. i'm gettin it rite now.. and i wonder how come? and i wonder y i feel this way..

spirit link

2006-06-26T20:21:00.000+08:00

somehow, i wonder what is the name when someone can feel how another person feels when they're miles apart and haven been in contact, or at least dun really contact very often.. i'm pretty darn sure they haf a name for it..

so tis wld be the few moments in my life where i felt that and found out who. okie, seems strange tat itz the 2nd time(at least) tis year.. bein the 2nd one bein yesterday and after another mass message, not tat itz massive la, jus less than 6 ppl.. i found out who.. but she said she was okie at first b4 askin y i suspected it was her.. i mean, hey, ere's no suspicion,it was jus chance.. so she msged tellin me wats botherin her..

itz jus weird la how i get these feelings, how i get different goosebumps everytime i experience different things.. ere's one for ghost stories and another one for i might meet sum1 i havent met for a long time and one for unworldly presence.. or at least i believe so.. so now itz jus time to take a walk wif sum1 who can see and we'll verify tat itz true..

seems i've gone back to writing ever since i stepped onto the tracks of the national stadium.. so, after forgetting ppl's burfdays.. not tat i missed it completely, jus got the wrong date.. haha.. i still haf yet to complete the idea i had for a birthday gift.. i jus suck at lifting my embargo on anti procrastination. so here i am delayin it for 2 yrs already... so oh well..

wld you believe if i said i did grow a bit more since i enlisted in NS.. *gasps* yes, at least i feel i did.. sometime we are forced to grow cos we cant be the lil kid as we haf always been,esp when you're in charge of a few guys.. sure, as a friend u can still be tat kid.. but there will be times when u jus gotta grow up a bit faster and make decisions. decisions that will not just affect yourself, cos tats too easy.. but more stuff which will affect others.. and somehow, i dun really know if i wld make all the proper choices, but i hope i haf chosen the lesser of two evils if i had to make a bad one.. *crosses fingers*

so here's to another week of fun filled activities.. at least it keeps ur mind off mundane things and kills creativity and thought-wondering moments aways.. yet it is these very things which will keep you from remembering all the sadness and worries. the act of keeping urself busy.

ode to the dying stadium

2006-06-25T17:30:00.000+08:00

last week was the first time i set foot on the field of the national stadium. the rustic-ness of the stadium can never be swept under rug. its red track now sink as i step on it with the new boots. it leaves a footprint. my footprint. the leaving legacy that i was there before.

but working there sure as hell ain't no mundane business. my men keep my spirits up and i try, in turn to do likewise. sure we gossip, we poke fun at one another, and most importantly each other, we tease to release our inner tension that builds up as we do the unwanted jobs. we had to face to the realities of the mundaness and rise up to find the little fun activities so that we could have fun. and i am thankful that i have found some people who are fun to be with currently. so now, i have to try to find out more abt the rest of the guys besides the few ICs.

and sure, looking at a strict glance, they may not behave as if they respect for now, but if you look at the closer details, which luckily i managed to see before being blinded by rage, they have their boundaries in which they treat you. sure they may throw stuff at you, but u can be assured itz jus to make contact with you. i guess itz their way and i'm learning as the days go by. i jus now have to try and see if i could reach out with the others who are quieter, just like me.

this whole week has been the greatest lessons on humility. the things we do to make up for our wrong doings, like not having enough food. it reminds me of the little treats that we have to give out to maybe jus tip the scale of suffering. and no one better to learn it than from dennis himself. jus the act of taking his own food from his locker to distribute among the men, prompted me to do the same. so, oh well, didnt have much but luckily still had those lil snickers bar.. and i realise i like to hand in surprises if i can. so ere i was planting the bars under their shirt, by their specs and slipping out just like santa clause. and it really does make u feel a lil better that they're gonna wake up to that surprise. sure some woke up the moment i step in, but hey, we cant all be perfect ninjas.

but yea, the ndp thingy sure made me feel a lil closer to the platoon. well, maybe jus the malay guys. which is another weird thing since i joined tis unit. i actaully talked more malay than i ever had in my whole poly life. so yea, a darn strange thing.

but it still troubles me to see how i could lead them on the field itself. and i have to remind myself that sometimes, when times are hard and you just feel like giving up, there will always be another guy who would rise up and take the lead for a while, giving you a much needed break, and i'm talking about the men themselves. i just hope i lead them, hand in hand, to an end where they could remember it as when their leader never gave up hope on them and would always walk beside them or in front of them. where they remember more memories than dispises.

so now i'm back to find this new gream girl.. though most of the time, we will just met by accident... her name's hisha(or sumthin equivalent).. i aint got no idea how she really looks like and the only thing i could be sure of is that the only conversation we ever had was me tryin to find out her no. and she said she cant give me cos she's workin, but she rounds the counter and walked away from it, and gave me her no.(tats cos i forgot whether she wrote it down how she passed me her no).. and that was it. so this wld be a bit harder than the first one where i actually knew another person in this dream. at least the 2nd one was a bit more detailed.. so now the mysterious third one.. wonders when will i actually meet her.. so here's the possible names.. hisha, aisyah, isha.. oh yea, and when i saaw her name tag, i asked if it was really spelled as "hisha" and i did a wave and said my name. so tat was it. hmmmmmmm...

First & foremost

2006-05-28T18:46:00.000+08:00

now here i am, where i never wished i was but nevertheless, i am here.. i am here to take care of 6 men. taking care of them i dun mind, but leadin them into battle is what i fear most. so in two weeks' time, i'll be introduced to them. but now, i'm still in the induction phrase. so hopefully i can take care of them.. though i noe it will be hard, since they are the types whom i hardly hang out with. there's a lot to learn of them, but most importantly, from them. and also, where do i draw the line? knowing me, i'll be with them through it all. as much as i dred goin to a unit, on the hindsight, i have been takin care of ppl, especially when i have to. and i've been pretty good at it for most of the camps. i break the lines that should be drawn, but i form new ones which are even better.

after the 10 km run, i made one guy on my side. it was the end of the run, maybe less than 2km away. runnin wif sotong boy. so he was between me and sotong boy. and he suddenly picked up pace. so we all ran along before S.B surged foward. so i kept tellin the guy not to burn himself, esp since i cld see he cant make it at that pace for very long. and rightfully so, he got burnt out abt 700m from the end and we walked, he was panting heavily, i tried to tell him to take his time. still could pass the 10km test. after walkin for a while, we sprinted to the finish line.. well, i was ahead of him all the way, and then jus before the finish line, i let him catch up with me and eventually overtake me abt 5m before the end. the reason, i didn't need the timing... i already got the csb.. and i was 10min ahead of him anyway... so after that, he asked me the qsn. how come i let him overtake me at the very last end.. and all i could say was that, i didn't need the timing, i already got the badge. and i managed to push him till the very end. of course, ere wasn't the need to tell him i am 10min faster, since he started 10 mins earlier than me.

so yea, sometimes, some battles are to be won with ur men, while some others, u jus need to push them till the very end before letting them win. let them push themselves till their very limit, before granting them a sweet victory. and the next time, we can race again.

itz been a while since my last entry. so the taiwan trip was fab! beautiful scenery, a great change in temperature.. coolin.. loads of knolls, hills and mountains to climb.. fair to the point of white skinned taiwanese gals, to their short shorts, and long socks and costumes to their shrilly voice(which i cant stand) to their chicken cutlet and ka la chi to their cheap original branded clothes and cheap perfume, to their night markets and their amusement parks.. it was crazy.. all in all, we went to at least 3 amusement parks in 3 days.. but it was dumb since we spent like 2 hours in each park.. but what i would remember the most is the harbour where ocean world is located.. it was ur typical small port.. with all the geographical features and most beautifully was the water.. and the cold wind that threatened to blow away the skinniest of people...

anyways, back home.. when we first entered our new camp, we were introduced to the men playin ball games.. and the sounds of drums beating at the background. and literally, the atmosphere was that of a festival.. except that everyone was makin their own sounds.. so anyways, found out that the men won't ord before me.. actaully, we're gonna pass out together.. so good luck to me.. at least they cant go, ORD lo in ur face..

anyways, i need to start goin out more.. haven been out since 1 month already.. finally went to esplanade to meet irfan and ducky... and for the first time, i saw lots of cute malay gals.. well, it was abt 4.. but, it was a lot.. considerin i found them cute.. either that, or i jus find them exotic after 3 weeks in taiwan... so anyways, we then went to arab street to eat.. had sheesha.. haven had it for a long time.. while duck and irfan discussed their play.. chipped in here and ere.. tried not to interfere too much.. irfan was kinda high anyway..

so now, back to camp.. wheee...

flabbergastation of the lost feeling

2006-03-26T11:22:00.000+08:00

is it possible to fall for 2 gals u met in the week and an old flame all within a space of 4 days?? well, i sure as hell did and wondered how in the world did i manage to do tat?? so yea,, god knows how tat happened... after god knows how many months of no one fillin my mind..

arrghhh..

had a slack week tis week.. since i cleared ippt wif gold and SOC.. so they had a few re test and i jus did fatigue work.. and i'm tellin ya.. fatigue work is really tiring.. since we had to sit and wait for a while.. as everyone else prepares themselves.. after goin thru 3 coys, i hope i get to make the next coy i go to just kind of like A coy.. i mean, they examplifies the no time wastage on waiting.. and the fav phrase wait to rush rush to wait is almost down to 1% only.. which is quite a feat..

spent yesterday wif sri and a whole bunch or others.. sri, shida, hendra, a few others i can remember, hannie & chuck(whom i cant recognise at all and gave a blank face when asked if i remembered her... BUT.. i did remember drivin her manual car(which i didnt stalled) in skol before.. and there was the loudest shouts of screams i have ever heard.. i'm quite a safe driver wat... *grins* at least i AM NOW...

so here's a poem i managed to churn out late last nite

with tears in her eyes
she fights back the pain
forgetting the painful lies
and all that he has said

she stares at the blank space
forcing herself to suck in those tears
as i stare at her eyes and face
those tears retracts back from the frontiers

and she smiles again
wearing back the composed mask
hiding all her anguishes and pain
but no one dared to ask

Flickr account is up!!!

2006-03-04T23:22:00.001+08:00

yeay.. finally got the flickr account up.. still on itz way of uploading more pics.. but for now, almost all of the pics i took for DYL is up ere already.. might take one or 2 more days before i get everythin up and running.. and for those wif a flickr account, jus add me!

hmmmm, went out wif duck and her luge mates on thurs.. i ended up playin battlefield with them in the end.. is a farking fun game... especially when u are doin it in real life too.. if i do get sent to unit, must make my men play tat game too.. haha.. the US marines uses matador too as their LAW..

den on friday was out wif dila, den her bro and nikman joined in at night.. it was a very eventful day and night and even more in the morning.. haha.. went to catch a movie first... transamerica.. though was hoping for more, i did not get a very good understanding of the psychological make up of what make them undergo.. itz quite simplified to say i was born like tat.. even i cld jus say it.. but wld haf enjoyed it more if it went deeper into depth of the character rather than lettin us accept.. i mean, in real life, tats jus at i wld do cos i cant be bothered to noe why... but when u're in a movie, i expected a lil more than jus tat.. oh well.. saw wayyyyyy to many dicks... and a pair of man boobs.. i'm like wtf??? the only savin grace fro my eyes was his sister sydney.. haha..

after movie, went to smoke sheesha.. haha.. cldn't help it.. in the end, i smoked alone cos she didnt like it anyway.. tat day, i learnt tat it wasn't my imagination who was feeling she emitted jolts of electricity sensation.. but she actaully does it naturally.. not tat she can shock you la, though i'm sure she can.. haha.. most prob u're readin tis dils.. but it feels like electricity.. not tat i was shocked by electricity before too.. haha.. and she felt my warm energy.. haha
re readin it again, it sounds like an erotic story.. haha.. but itz cool tat it didnt abandon me after a while.. wat i enjoyed most is the ease of conversation..

so den went to east coast where i tried driving her car for a while.. so round and round east coast i went till her bro called to say he was bored.. so went to pick him up and den went to pick nikman up after he booked out.. haha.. long time since i last saw him.. okie, well a few weeks isn't tat long, but yea.. den we went to orchard again.. haha.. so from orchard, walked to cineleisure to play arcade for a while.. and walked to hilton and walked back.. den we drove to simpang to eat.. so after eating, guess wat??? her freaking licence plate in front was missing.. plus a few scratches on the bumper and front.. but only the bottom half.. coming to the conclusion of sum basket bikers, we cursed and swore a bit, got worried here and there.. comforting each other for a while, and we were on our way home...

so a tribute to soldiers who have fought wars and killed enemies..

i watch black hawk down a few days ago.. it struck me as a very real movie.. considerin i was doing the same thing, wif the knee guards and all the same weapons.. but wat struck me the most was the killings.. if we just shoot and kill the enemies without actually seeing the death and destruction we have created, itz easy to go back home and not think about anything. cos we managed to distant ourselves from the actual killings.. and our conscious is almsot clear without us fretting and worrying abt the death of the enemy... which makes killing very easy.. even if itz by accident.. but wat if u had to choose to shoot an enemy right in front of you? an enemy who is unarmed and untrained.. but if left to live, he will betray ur location.. so u point ur rifle in front of him and you shoot.. now tats when shit happens.. ur conscious gets the better of you and you think about it all the time.. ur mind replays the last image.. the image of it almost begging for mercy to live.. the image jus prior to you squeezing the trigger.. it haunts you.. and you think of all the what ifs.. what if you jus take him as a prisoner.. every scenario comes to ur head..

so now i pose the question? who suffers more? the one who kills tens of ppl from afar and never have any close contact with the dead or the one who kills one who was so close in proximity to him? i wld say, the one who killed one. and if u had the choice to kill the one, wld u stay on or leave immediately after that.. and if it was me, i wld leave, even though my conscious screams for me to stay on and make a proper burial for him. so now we are left with another moral dilemma. to treat him human or to treat him as an enemy and let other ppl to bury him later when they move past his body? questions we never ask ourselves. questions which i will ask my men when we're bored.. and see the cultural differences.. and our beliefs...

ended BSLC

2006-03-01T17:09:00.000+08:00

sighs

i tink i tink too much.. here's the first few random tots tat i cld recall... these are extracted from tots thru the mths and may not reflect accurately the present...

i ain't pickin up the phone no more.. maybe i tink ere's no more to it.i cld breathe easier and i cld live easier.. but wats the use? jus before i left golf coy, i noticed the mattress i was sleepin on was named lily sumthin.. and tis song tiger lily by matchbook romance pops into my head.. minus the fact that she likes lilies. and the song, well, it kinda sumamrise wat i'm feeling rite now abt her...

"We drive tonight
and you are by my side
we're talking about our lives
like we've known each other forever
time flies by
with the sound of your voice
its close to paradise
with the end surely near
and if I could only stop the car and
hold onto you
never let go
I'll never let go
as we round the corner to your house
you turned to me and said
"I'll be going through withdrawl of you
for this one night we have spent"
and I want to speak these words but I guess
I'll just bite my tongue
and except someday, somehow
as the words that we'll hang from
And I,
I don't want to speak these words
cause I,
I don't want to make things any worse
Why does tonight have to end
Why don't we hit restart and pause it at our favorite parts
we'll skip the goodbyes
If I had it my way
I'l turn the car around
and run away
just you and I"
~tiger lily - matchbook romance~

so i continue to push her away from my mind... cos i dunno... maybe we rarely had much to talk abt. ere were always quiet moments which seemed like forever.. uncomfortable silences...

so i look back again and realise the only ones whom i cld talk to are attached... where conversation flowed easily and ere were comfortable silence.. ere was even one whom i knew electricity flowed between skins.. maybe itz jus me la.. but u dun get tat almost every time.. so yea.. enuf bout that...

so ended BSLC... still stuck in ASLC.. not the place i wld haf rather gone to though.. but oh well.. we make do with watever we get.. sighs... another 3 mths here in pasir laba.. arrghhh... freakin far.. the environment seem quite okie.. at least we got freakin vending machines!!

on the 28th of FEB '06.. we witnessed the burying of SISPEC's time capsule.. we spent the whole day in camp and we sang and clapped once the capsule is buried.. wat more can i say?? besides the 2 rehearsals we had to do just tat..

still suffering from the left arm being pulled sensation on and off... sighs.. wonder when is it gonna go away..

jus bought tis game called sacred... quite fun actually.. sumthin like diablo style... well, it was only 20 bucks... so wat the hell...

hopefully my plans tis week is not cancelled.. still haf to tink of wat to do on friday..

go ahead, end the holiday

2006-01-30T17:00:00.000+08:00

ahhh, been a while since i last blogged..

january's been a crazy month and what a way to start off the new year.

itz funny how i'm now sms-ing yati again after all these while. how one phase ends jus so that another could begin. so any ol' how, i'll begin with the most recent..

farking hell, nearly got our last long holiday cancelled out cos we had to spend the nite out at lower fuckin mandai cos of some irresponsible SOB who decides itz convenient to lose things. knn.. hey, i dunno the full story but u sure dun lose an elephant especially if itz in front of ya. so hey, luckily it was found on sat, if not, knn, haf to come back on sunday... so if u asked me wat i did on fri nite, i can safely i i lepak-ed along the PIE.. yes, the PIE!! we were like along the PIE and sitting down after gettin out from Mandai.. wootz.. quite an experience but the sad part was the force of destruction we were as we searched... sighs..

then there skafest!! took pics for comic strip, got to know a platoon mate was playin for mystical or was it mistaken pirates, den ducky knew a guy from cesspit. so ere i was skankin off beat to which ever gal was beside me. found out zurah played in another band too.. den me and duck went off to boat quay to meet up wif sum of her fwens.. and boy were they wild with each other without even touching alcohol.. duck's in a dilemma hope itz cleared.. shld be for the best..

whee!! i passed the freaking SOC..9.15.. wootz.. still waiting and wantin to see wat the freak is the incentive.. not tat it has arrived yet..

the previous week had two outings wif ed and ducky.. haha.. feels weird how itz always the same thru all the time gap.. i guess tats how best fwens wld be. they may change here and ere, but essentially they're the same when they're together. no barriers, no masks. still keeping secrets, but secrets which dun change them and their relationship. so happily sheesha-ing away durin the past two outings.. and when i say happily sheesha-ing, i meant at least 2 bottles the whole nite at diff places... watched a movie which i forgot.. only remembered the cliff part. and a bit confusing the whole plot..

so yea, well, hope duck's less confused now.. a heart is a terrible thing to gamble, but if we dun gamble, it will be a terrible thing for the heart.

hey, my first quote!! wootz..

forgot abt tis.. on sat, i booked out and went to apply for the debit card. so as i was fillin out the forms, the lady at the counter was makin small talks. but if she small talk abt ur relationship and hers, like tak keluar ngan ur gf? and she talks abt hers, and how sumtimes the guy goes for flings but she dun mind. when he's done, he can always come back. i feel quite sad for her clinging onto him.. but tats not the point, wat is more important is, is she flirtin wif me?? haha.. things i tink abt to boost my ego.. haha.. hey, i mean, itz not everyday tat a bank teller talks to ya abt her love life..

rites of time

2006-01-01T15:45:00.000+08:00

arrrrrrrghhhhhhh... one shld not be spending the new year at home sleeping and tending to a headache... farking hell... and one shld not do SOC on new year's eve!!! chow turtle.. so my first new year spent at home.. tis week's quite a record week for me...
did badly for my tech handling tests.. though i did get gold for IPPT.. which was amazing since i never did could do 10 pull ups.. and god knows wat drove me to be able to run 9.38 for 2.4km... failed SOC.. not tat surprising since i knew my body wasn't prepared for it... den got a mini headache while running back.. managed to supress it though.. and farking hell... tink tat's wat killed me later on.. ouh well...

so now she's back to name calling.. arrghhh.. now here we go again.. not tat i mind, mind u.. and walt whitman is becoming a favourite of mine.. i noe i had loads to write when i was in camp.. things which bothered me and things which touched me.. but now, it seems, i'm blocked of what there is to write about..

new year resolution or rather wat i wld like to do:
take out the triangle on the 4th of January
get a bike license
go for 2nd level of attunement
open an OCBC account
take more shots
understanding what i experience and being able to control it(itz a bit vague la)
be more spiritual
dun sleep in for the next new year

yea... most of wat i wanted to do was done for last year.. except for one(but it never happens every year anyways... well, always was close though)

so i begin the new year sayin "a wish is what the heart really wants. and without the heart, nothing can really be achieve with happiness". and for those who have been searching for happiness, it has always lay inside of you. and till you find it, you'll always be searching for the exterior means to locate it.

collisions of destiny

2005-12-26T17:53:00.001+08:00

tis weekend has been nuthin but collisions of fate.. i dunno.. jus tat i seem to meet the rite things.. it started when i booked out.. for sum weird ass reason, i went to penisular first before goin home.. a new friend found me when i went into ken's shop.. i lost control of my hands and she drags my hands to her. and it was the first time i lost control of my hand.. which was pretty cool!! so yea, now she sits inside my bag everywhere i go.. so went home.. den went to smoke sheesha wif jon after tat.. okie, so al - sumthin (fark, forgot the shop's name) has regained the no.1 spot!! haha.. and to tink i used to smoke ere for a few mths.. the one at pahang street.. goddammit... anyways.. den today i tink might haf found my photo shop.. the one place to develop my pictures... whee...

so the first week in sispec was quite hectic.. took at least 5 test in 5 days.. or rather 6 if u add IPPT cat test.. got a female sergeant and her name's salizah.. which also sounds like my name.. so the first time i heard it, i was like, arrrr... another sergeant wif part of my name too.. in BMT already got rizal.. den now even closer soundin to my name.. was quite surprised when the sergeant was a lady..

the food's a bit better here though..

meeting a crossroad at a new path

2005-12-15T13:44:00.000+08:00

much has happened in the one week i didnt update anything..

spent a grand evening at kenneth's place.. tat was all i could say.. did guard duty on dunday which sucked, but at least it wasn't as bad.. great company while prowling.. well, met tis sergeant who enjoyed bird watching.. he showed me and kenneth kueh the great heron or was it herring?? anyways, itz grey in colour.. yea..

monday: spent it celebratin su's belated birthday.. it was nice to see xia, su, sherlyn and duck after a long while.. how we grow yet sumtimes stay essentially the same..

tues: went for my first session.. den met borrowed loads of poetry books.. i guess i'm now back to poetry. den went out with kenneth m c.. went to like different places to smoke sheesha.. one at ambrosia and the other at sahara.. and i must say.. sahara has the best bong and never haf i smoked a more free flowing bong in my life.. and it was kinda strong... took a lil while to get the sensation but it sure as hell lasted very long.. so now one of my fav places.. though the music got extremely loud at abt 11pm.. which was abt the time we left..

wednesday:
went for my first class and i must say, after that, it feels great to be "running hot", in the words of Cpt Short from Artemis Fowl... never haf i felt the same and it was great till i can still feel it today.. went to meet duck and parveen after that.. went window shoppping ard. den met dila while i was abt to go home... so stayed and chatted for a while before duck and parv left.. i stayed on.. since i got nuthin to do.. so caught up for a while.. den she had to leave.. dunno y i didnt really leave. well actaully i did la.. haha.. den met norliza who was supposede to meet the grp i was with.. so there we were, having a reunion of sum sort.. haha.. went to mac to eat.. 5 of us.. me, fendy, yanie, vit and liz.. it was a weird experience for me.. jus knowin them for a few minutes, and i guessed we clicked quite well.. vit was like, and u wldn't believe if i told ya they only met for less than a few hours.. surprising me as they knew michael poon.. haha.. though not a positive scale.. hah.. nor was it a negative one.. hahaha.. den found out marks and spencer at white sands closed down already.. well, at least the train ride home wasn't boring..

i tink now life ain't so bleak as i tot it wld be.. surprising, it started again on a high quite soon.. sooner than i expected.. and now i smile ear to ear and i look foward to the coming days...

an image etched to my mind

2005-12-07T11:09:00.000+08:00

POP lo!!!

here's a month's update:
had the greatest route marches he ever done.. 24 km was no shite man... but the feeling when it ends, it was devastating. a few days before the march, i get a msg. and it says dun bother to contact me anymore. how does he reacts to this msg. he takes painkillers and numbs himself. he pretends itz okie and the army will keep him distracted. which it does. but some day, sumwhere, the painkillers will wear off and he regains his senses and is no longer numb. that day just had to happen after a glorious 24km. as we reached campsite, it rains. and with every rain, the private's emotional defences fail.

he stares at ripples forming on the ground and all he could think is how the perfectly calm life he had, ripples with a drop of water and turns chaotic. the calm water mirrors his heart and suddenly drops of pain falls in and it is never clear anymore. and the most important part is that he never knew what hit him and y it hits him. and he knows like will never be the same again.
and so he goes up to his bunk to see 5 msges for him. he reads each one a thousand times. re reading it to confirm the reasons why he was left behind but yet it never makes sense.. but hey, love never does. and he hopes she finds herself before she finds someone else. so he thinks back. maybe he shldn't be sooo sweet. but then again, he wldn't be himself if he wasn't. so he wonders...

and in camp, he spends his time in complete solitude and mingles with spirits who bothers him and finally gives him peace. and all those plans he has when he leaves tekong for a while, is thrown into the sea. and he penns something, something to ease his mind. something to console himself.

And each pawn wonders
who's the sick chessmaster
who makes them ponder
about their doubts and fears

We will be given what we need the most
And when we need it anymore
it gets taken away from us
Or do we just push it away?
When we thought it would stay

We are hardly given a burden
By which we can't handle
whether we pull thruogh as expected
or falter somewhere along the way
That, we never could say

So now I sit here and wonder
What made you push me away

You give me a part of you
But you stole a part of me
which i was not ready to lose
you stole my heart, tore it up
and said you're sorry
And i guess I'm sorry too
for not making my paper heart
into something more durable

He reflects back and thank god for giving him someone to think about to gain strength and pull through his BMT period. although it was taken away from him when he least expects it, he could now smile and say if i never had her to think about in BMT, i never knew how i would survive. and so he does survive it and now she leaves him. and he pulls through another heartbreak. and the most serious one he ever had. and what dun kill him only makes him stronger. and he now looks ahead. heading into a new direction, yet hoping that maybe one day, she'll come back. and locked away in a white box is a pink mug. yet he doesnt know if he'll ever use the mug. it was a parting gift. she gave him a mug and he gives her a cd.

anyways, on to less depressing stuff... POP... it was a different atmosphere during POP. it wasn't as grand as I expected... but it could reduce a man to tears and make them the proudest person around. i swelled with pride as i see my parents came down from the grand stand. but this moment was just one person short. but i stood tall and tried not to think of her. so took loads of pics with the sergeants.. or rather one pic with each of the sergeants.. vern was ere too.. so at least i got to take a pic with him..

so as i walked out of the ferry terminal.. tis image of a man standing.. around him the pillars of the jetty and behind him, the sun was setting and flanking the settin sun were two islands.. and that was the image of freedom for me.. at least for a while...

jus now watched 50 first dates.. sure i'm a sucker for these movies.. but this moment was more sublime... and sumhow, i dunno... tears formed up all over again.. just as lucy was about to break up with egg head, i get a msg... i paused the film to read the msg.. and she asks for forgiveness for hurting me and i'm thinking.. i'll just reply after the movie.. and continued with the movie and it continues with them breaking up.. and at that moment, it welled up and burst. and i jus dunno.. as much as i cld deceive myself i gotten over her, i still need time to slowly heal...

i have already started to delete her msges.. i needed more strength to get over her... and though we spent little time, each time we met, i had to go through a mile. and these long rides and mentally drained physical body alway listened to the energetic mind and heart of mine. and no matter how drained and only wantin to sleep i was, i sumhow managed to drag myself to the west of the country and meet up with her for maybe 1 to 2 hour before rushin home to go back to camp. and the more hardship we suffer, the more memorable things are... and so here's a summary on my next post.

ain't nothing worng, ain't nothin right

2005-11-01T15:12:00.000+08:00

I wonder.. how will i survive army. itz ending and my spirit is ending. i no longer seem to want to do anything. i'm not motivated anymore. i cant think, or rather am not allowed to think. cos it seems thinking on your own and acting upon it is seen as an opposition to leadership. i think my coy is jus too scared to make our own choices without approval. i seen others who lead and be lead and i take off my cap to them. their relationship forged by trust and mutual respect.

so, we are dummified only to have to re learn how to think. we are encouraged to be thinking soldiers, but it seems as if no one really thinks about empathy. and we are given different commands, yet we are reprimanded for following both commands. first we are told to do this and fucked cos we didnt follow, and comes another guy scolding us for following the commands cos it is a waste of time. so i say, what the fuck?

and confessions of a misunderstood. can u live if sumone told you he wants to kill himself and you are helpless to help him. and all you can envision is that he does it in front of you and are helpless to help. could you have made a better decision if you have reacted earlier, yet knowing that if you do react earlier, it would probably kill him anyway. and the latter, he would have died, mentally, phisically and spiritually. logically, it would be to act earlier. but what if there are grey areas around, grey areas which you never encountered before. grey areas so grey, it looks as if there was never black or white in the first place. so you stand ere, doin nothing at all. jus nothing at all and hope that he doesnt do it.

and i'm sorry i cant always find the words to say to you as you stand by my side. ere's so much i want to tell you yet, it just goes away everytime i'm with you. i filled with sad joys that knowing my future is fucked and that i would never have the time to spend with you. that it will take another good 7 months before i can safely say i can spend a lot of time with you. and if i'm (un)lucky, it might take another 10 months. and i dunno if it'll wait.

anyways, a long holiday but i dunno what to do.. quite shitty la the feeling.. later goin to have dinner at mac. been a long time, well, actually only 2 weeks ago, but still, itz quite a long time... so anyways, seems my entries haf been quite emo-ridden. at least i now i'm now siding with my heart and how it feels rather than how my mind thinks.. dunno if itz good or bad, but as long as there's sumone on mainland to think about, life is not too bad. helps to get through the tekan-ing much more swiftly.

we walked on campus

2005-10-29T17:33:00.000+08:00

he walks on the moonlit sandy beach, staring at the stars, a map he cant read. they looked so pretty that he begins to wander off. wander into a time when he walked around campus with sumone by his side as he listens to her problems and jokes around with the occasional objects slipping from her hand. and they walk shoulder to shoulder, sometimes a light strikes either of them and their hand brushes, generating a bolt of electricity. he remembers how she used to rest on his shoulders. how they would try holding each other while on the excuse of trying to get a better look at pictures. pictures which they never took of each other. how they teased each other without giving too much away, but tat which is really pointless since they already know. he listens to the wind as they speak to him in a language which only the heart understands. the wind chills his bone. he looks up and understands that the wind now jus mirrors how he feels. cold, chilling, invisible, empty looking and low... he stands and look back at the horizon and sees the sea, moving up and down, all according to the moon. he looks back at the moon and sees the crescent. the moon a smiling face. moved, he faces back home, a smile plastered on his face as he tries to control how high or low he feels. yet, no matter the smile, he still knows inside he will be flowing with sadness. and he tells himself that he's sorry he cant be perfect. that he falls for forbidden fruit. that he pushes away every other type of food laid on his table. that he only believes in love at first sight. that he trust his instinct. that his instinct lands him into trouble. and he looks down to see seeds marking a trail to one end. shld he follow the seeds or shld he go home. when every other day he goes home, today, he decides to to follow the seeds into a dark, deserted forest. and he hopes he can find the way out later in his life.

love is like getting wasted on too much alcohol

2005-10-29T15:29:00.000+08:00

love is like getting wasted on too much alcohol...

it will bring you to a high for a specific amount of time, u do silly stuff which makes u feel so good and den u feel like sleeping it away and when you wake up, u feel like shite.. and den a few moments later, you try a different type of alcohol and its effect are mostly the same. jus depends on how much u decide to take.

am i in love?
i dunno...
am i drunk on love?
i dunno...
am i in like?
definately..

ere's so much that we could share but we never did. we distill everything and send text msges... we both want to commit i guess, but we both know we can't... time and situation doesn't permit it... i haf one day breaks and she works on the two days that i taste freedom. she live on one side and i live on the other... but we miss each other... imagine romeo and juliet, but add to the fact that juliet jus broke up with her boyfriend. and even though she closes her heart, they will see each other to settle some stuff on a daily basis. till the boyfriend gets deported to the "island" where romeo is now imprisoned. and until then, romeo decides to give juliet her space because thats what he has always done.. doin the "right" thing but wrong thing for himself. jus like a burning candle who shines light for others at the expense of himself. he was told for the first time that he most probably won't see her for a while. That was the first time tears formed in his eyes jus because he was told he cant see juliet anymore till a while later. why was romeo overcomed with such sadness? maybe it was because he spent the previous two days with her. and it was one of the more happier days ever since a long while.

though no matter how young juliet is, in her, he has seen mental strength and ethics and a way of thinking hardly much people her age posess.. so, now, we are at act 3. where romeo has to face feign death and await to see if juliet comes with an antidote or a dagger to his tomb.

so now he wonders, how does a single guy who spends his days idly and suddenly only get to go home once a week find his dearie when he cant do it when he has loads of time? he wonders that too.

and he wonders. why would 2 gods fight for him. he is slowly slipping away from one, yet he wants to hold onto him. anyways, in camp, it seems i'm honing other skills.. now i believe i can feel for auras... the only shitty part is that, i can feel them, but i dunno what to make of them.. practiced energy ball, shielding, distribution among body, letting others sap my excess energies... itz good to haf a watcher around too. makes life less yet more complicated. and with that, i'm scaring my buddy away... haha...

voyeuristic life

2005-10-08T20:13:00.000+08:00

We all live a voyeuristic life. we get gratification from seeing something sensational. especially if we're not supposed to see it. i haf lead one and i will continue to lead one. the only difference in me is that i'm a thief of these moments. i enjoy stealing these moments and i might even share the moments from those i steal. sometimes i get bashed up for these moments, but hey, i live a life of danger. but most of the time, wat is most special is that i dun even know if i got anythin. i place an element of chance in my photography. as to those who haf spent time wif me while i held a camera, i thank them for growin with me. and i still continue to try to live that life in army. though less of what i usually capture, due to the lack of shooting material and the restriction of when i can whip out my camera, i'm confined to my bunk mostly and the crazy stuff they do. so after one week, i only had 77 shots. quite pathetic really, compared to what i regularly shoot. but hey, it keeps me sane sometimes.

This week in army was kinda hectic, especailly with the fasting month goin on. sleeping 6 hours mostly, since i cant sleep when everyone is havin crazy times durin our admin time at nite. i mean, hey, y miss all the fun and go to sleep. so i sacrifice sleep for the fun things they do. which is all worth it really. though i must say, itz quite tough, especially mentally and the calefaction of my body. usually, by mid day, i cant really perspire anymore, so my body heats up, sometimes to the point of near fainting spells. and i cant stand still for more than 5 minutes. signs of dehydration really. but hey, a wash to the head always clear loads of things. and the extra time we get during lunch breaks are usually priceless.

my most amazing feat was doing 3 pull ups at the end of the day, when we were having our last training. usually i could do only 1 to 2... but after being very shacked, i still managed to do 3. that was actaully the highlight of the week for me. went for simulation shooting too. that was another highlight. well, theoretically, my trigger squeeze sucks, but after shooting photographs for a year plus, i'm so used to the instant squeezing of the trigger that i usually apply that to my shooting as well. i mean, hey, my grouping is less than 3cm, which means my rounds are all about 3 cm or less apart from each other, even though i'm aiming at the same target. so, not bad really. haha... jus gotta work on the trigger squeeze thingy... cant wait for the next range. wheee...

cant wait for the next book out... hopefully i dun kena confinement for any shite. goin to, well, i'm not really sure which college la, but got tis contest goin on. den goin wif missy tan y... god knows why i'm goin out with her, but i cant help it.. i guess these things jus happen. i dun wan to be an ass la, but i cannot help it. we can't choose who we fall for. and itz exactly 2 mths since we first met. and if u're wonderin how i cld remember, well, i guess i remembered that exact day and what happened. and well, it was the eve of national day, and by luck, my boss sends me to that school. and so it began.

i miss sum things in life. but i guess when everytime you try to plan something and it either gets cancelled last minute or you are told they can make it only like one or 2 hours after u make new plans since they never replied for 1 day and they never return ur msges durin the same day. and after u make new plans, den they reply. and now, u jus feel lazy to ask them. so you keep quiet and they keep quiet. and well, i dunno. guess you get what you really need at every moment. and if u dun get it, you most probably didnt need it.

ouh ya, did i blog abt buyin a new cam last week? i guess not... haha... bought the canon ixus 50 last week... the lil baby is not as great as khelena, buy hey, it fits into almost any pocket i haf... so tat will be for the really fast snaps or rather, where i need to take a quick pic... so now, i'm back to bein the poor state, which i was emacipated from last month.

mechanicalisation of the human soul

2005-09-23T17:35:00.000+08:00

past two weeks haf been a xiong week sia.. i dunno about you, but marching alone is jus very weird.. it takes away the fluidity of the human body to replace it with a structured and organised movement method.. food is okie la... but the mangoes is jus fantastic... it was super sweet... i got loads to say abt leadership and morale.. but tis are jus my views...

men will be willing to die for their leader when the men put their faith in their leader and when the leader gain the admiration, or the very least, respect for the leader... in camp, i would die for one of my sargeants, entrust my life with them... but sumtimes, not all men, would we be willing to entrust our lives with... the troops need to feel that their leader is with them, a friend at the very least, one which they would haf no problem talkin one to one, and sharing their naiveness with. one which would ridicule yet enlighten the recruit. one without malice or the very least, malice coated with sugar. those are the men whom i would fight for. stern when necessary, and relaxed when the time comes.

when troops see their leader all the time, ere is tis common bond which will hold them together. everytime their leader talk to them, it would be a balance of instructions and gettin to know one another. it would be these men who will command respect from their troops. and other people would make comparison, especially when faced with difficult situations and questions. questions like why am i feeling low, why are the troops feeling low, why are the troops morale always low and not giving everything, why dun the troops want to follow every instructions carefully and put their hearts into it, why do we find a smile plastered on everyone as they celebrate in their hearts when one sargent is goin to lead them and why dun we listen to leaders who rule with an iron fist? we are a new generation of soldiers... if people haf read histories, we should haf learnt that iron fist only rules for a temporary period of time before we find rebels. rebels who yearn for an extra freedom of their human spirit. rebels who who would rebel on certain situations and not on others. i forsee a rebellion. yet tis vision is clouded by an opposite force, which is much stronger.

and once sumone breaks down, the rebellion will occur... but till that day, we will live a life where we have common topics to talk about.

auto mode on a manual vehicle

2005-08-24T23:10:00.000+08:00

today, i'm stoned... i'm getting by each day as i forget and grow...

this tot chanced upon me as i mused while driving. well, maybe it was inspired from the book house of sand and fog.. the book told abt kathy thinking abt this... "Sometimes I think husbands and wives, maybe they're just meant to get each other farther down the road, you know? Almost like it doesn't really matter whether they stick around for the final act. Is that a sad way to look at it?"

well, tis was wat i managed to produce... sumtimes, life brings you the people you need the most. sometimes they stick with you till the end, sometimes, they just leave you when you want them but dun need them. and u feel an emptyness, but u can still go on. cos you hold that memory that they were there when you most need it. den another person returns to haunt you when you think you've forgotten them.. for me, it has always been like tat. one person enters my life when i really need to forget about someone... and once i forget, they exit from my life... never to return... though sumtimes, no one else comes in to fill that void.

so yea, tat summarises my life of friends... sum stay on... but most of them deserts.. and we drift apart... but thankfully, sum of them, we could jus resume where we left and feel as though no time was spent apart.

though, on a thursday it was just a day like that. i seem to want to forget, and hang out with friends. and forget i did. and then, they forget about me. and the next day, i am forced to recall all that i'm supposed to forget. and till now, it sticks with me. to the point where i am willing to take the next step with my past. so, boldly i will face the future, in hope that the past remains. and i will break my principles, which haf shackled me to the ground in my own safety net. i will go out with attached people. but i guess, she still has to ask me out. *grins*
i guess i need sum complications in my life... makes it more real... i guess i jus think with my heart and not my brains anymore...

so anyways... today helped with the laundry delivery... sumtimes, i'm glad mohd could crap to take my mind off things... i drove blindly.. i wasn't alert... i guess, it was tis mode which i call the robot mode. a mode in which i noe wat to do without thinking. i lapse into stone sessions while driving. i'm aware of my surroundings and what's happening... jus tt it bypasses my brains and goes straight to instinct. ere was even a time, i noe the route but had to ask him where exactly i was goin. heh... so yea

hope i get better come this friday.. we'll see how it turns out. so tats two attached gals i'm goin out with this year alone... sighs... hope i dun become a freaking care bear again... i feel emotionally drained everytime after a few days

here's to the freshmen girl

2005-08-22T21:51:00.000+08:00

to a friend who will always, for the life of me, never be fully understood, but always cherished.

whispers of sweet nothings might mean nothing to you
they mean the world to me, for those are the words
which we hang on to, on our lowest point in life
they give us hope, especially knowing they are said
without the intentions of lying or deceptions
i may never know why you hold my hand
but i do know why i do yours
for the are a pillar of strength when i'm with you
knowing things are now much different than when we started
of all those glass emotions always being broken
almost everytime we met, from all the pain we put each other through
till the day we finally met in the hope for truce
and i accidentally tripped over my own trap and set off an explosion
on your railroad carriage and i know i start a cold winter war
you barricaded yourself from pain, and i almost gave up trying to break through
but who would have known, that one day, u let your guard down
and i managed to slip a peace treaty note to you again
you signed it and sumhow, we could go out again normally
until one day, you decide to hold my hand
and we never looked back from then onwards.
i would never know y u did it, but i do know one thing
itz the one thing which i would count on to see how we are
and itz one of the lil details, which i would never forget.
and also, somehow, your hugs which seems to be a good drainer of bad things
as your body melt with mine, nothing seems to matter anymore
no matter the station, the shop, the open air, our surroundings
they just become a blurred view, only me and you

i woke up

2005-08-22T21:21:00.000+08:00

i woke up happy today. dun ask me y, i just did. maybe i was a relaxing day after the shoot. played pool wif kamilz, ducky, her sis, and haikal... maybe it was coz i finally heard sumthin which i haf always suspected and suddenly, i'm free from the chains which bogs down his spirit. i dunno... maybe itz cos i jus felt happy after a few days of stuff. maybe itz the cumulative of all the good things which haf happened and after effect of the long sunday morning and afternoon, which i spent sleepin, and den emo-ing all the way to cck...

but i dunno. so let me tell you a story...

one day, a boy woke up from his dreams. he has forgotten almost everything that was important to him. so he goes around walking, his chin up, knowing that his past won't haunt him. den one day, he decides to call up his friend, and to visit tis place, called the Macmanor. so he dials the number shown on the phone, but there was no answer. so, he still meet up with his friend, troubledly confused. so he and TC meet up,they decide to meet another friend, moody(MO). so, as they walk on the road, a letter fell from the sky. it was from another friend, known as the battered orang(TBO). so then, they all met up. now as the boy met TBO, his mind flashes a memory. a memory which he shld haf forgotten. so they all went to a gas chamber cafe and ordered a gas mask so that they all could share and stay alive together. now, sometimes, the boy is a lil addict. so he sumtimes sucks in too much gas before clinging on to the gas mask. he then makes the dumb excuse of not being able to do anythin else, and so ask TBO to top up his heart. so she does just that. and then everyone else follows. and so this continues till they are supposed to leave. so everyone takes one last breathe of fresh air and said their goodbyes. and so, tbo says goodbye and gives the boy a locket, by which he could never hold in his hands, but in his heart. and the locket has always hung around his heart.

okies, so this is quite crappy... lets do a more nicer one.

she left my heart only to return again
i tried to forget her, and i did
only that out lives are so entwined
that we could never leave

you gave me a pair of jewelled earrings
which i wear till now
pseudo earrings which i hang on my cheeks
though they hurt, they remind me of you

and as we walked to the hilltops
we stared at the stars and the black canvas
and you made me touch your wrist
when all i wanted to do was to hold it

you made empty promises
which never seems that you would fulfilled
and i wonder what had happened if i was free
the day you promised heaven's view

would you have kept it?
would you have stood by it?
or would you have stood me up?
for it seems that you had more important tasks.

ms tans

2005-08-14T22:20:00.000+08:00

i tink i haf a thing for ms tans who work in the f&b industry... haha... tis wld haf to be the 2nd one already in 2 years... haha... and they're attached... sighs... oh well... met her at tis pre national day concert i was doin in ite bishan... off the shoulder white top wif a red tank top and blue converse shoes... two rings on her right finger... now tat i got tat info in permanancy... on to other things...

well, ere are no other things... so i shall get back to her... arrrghhh... i hate it when i a person occupies my mind and i cld do nuthin.. or rather i dun wan to.. and wats up wif ppl tellin me they're attached after 3 days.. i mean, tis wld haf to be the 2nd time too... cldn't they jus tell me first?? oh well... haha... but it feels good though to feel up and down again... was a long time since i cld feel like tat... the song "scars" aptly embrace wat i feel... esp the "i tear my heart open jus to feel" part... and the song you're beautiful by james blunt wld be a theme song... not jus cos she's beautiful, but rather like the other parts of the song... the melancholic yet filled wif hope and awwwwww moments...

u ever noticed how sumtime lost time cannot be resumed easily and there are loads of silent moments, uncomfortable silence... yet you say the same things, do the same things. jus feel differently. and yet, sumtimes, lost time are jus a nanosecond from the last time you met.

but goddammit... i'm goin to tekong in about 3 weeks time... sighs.. 9th september.. i hope i cld clear my head but then... i really like my head bein muddled... makes me more profound and

and she

2005-08-07T00:39:00.000+08:00

and tis gal turns out to know lil miss bimbo and adnand cos they are in the same course and in the same class at sum time.. haha... how sumtimes i'm weirdly linked to miss bimbo at nite(or was it day? or was it all day and nite?? hehe)

heart stealer

2005-08-06T23:54:00.000+08:00

today sumone took away my breath and stole my heart. a glass dome playin emo music... but who cares... she was like the first person who i noticed.. and den my waving best fwen behind her... haha... well, didnt really want to pay attention to her la.. but mei zi la kept buggin me abt how she's lookin at me... or at least at tis table where we sat... well, i did kinda haf a crush la... but didnt do anythin jus as yet... as time passes, it seems as if i only asked her for stuff, instead of all the other waitresses... haha.. still remembered askin for a fork... now, it sounded so funny... can i haf a fork please.. well, she did recommended sex on the beach later on.. so i guess we're equal... hehe... here's wat i remembered... red rimmed emo specs and converse shoes.. haha... well, the uniform are all the same... and i tink her name's ain.. sighs... wif 2 rings on her right hand..
made ducky write my no on the tissue flower i made.. and she came up wif the line you stole(or was it took?) my breath away... haha

and now i'm havin a conversation wif an old school mate whom i've never met or seen.. but we're talkin abt ain.. haha.. kinda...

sighs...

wish cld write more, but i'm too emo now

the souls we can hurt the most

2005-07-30T01:37:00.000+08:00

the souls we can hurt the most is the soul we are predestined to entwine our souls with. jus whether we make or break is the big question. and gal, may we never haf an ego too big to make up wif one another.. seems as if our friendship deepened cos of all the misunderstandings we haf. tis one goes out to you k.

tomz gettin my black mus mobile... or in simpler terms, the mazda 3. and guess wat.. itz sfx... the licence plate i've been dreaming of. sfx = sound effects = most probly sound guy... haha..

nice surprise to see u, ms "7 years of bad luck" or jus simply, herga.. hehe... yea, still haf the pics... jus add me... zalais85@hotmail.com... den can pass u the pics...

week's been hectic. mon got stood up(kind of), den met up again on tues, den wed had dinner wif roz, den jus now went to tis jazz band club wif yan and later met up wif amounrat for a while... been like wat, 3 years plus since i last met her...

my babysitter's in hospital currently. so gonna visit her tomz or rather later today.

jus bought a maroon 5 and joss stone cd for 9.90 each... china version though... but itz still the same cd.. wheeeee... only james blunt left... only heard one song but i'm sure got laods more... how could anyone sing a sad song wif an upbeat music and still make it sound very sad... sighs... impressive.. yes yes i'm still emo boy in disguise... still a sucker for sad music.

wld kissing a friend make everything different
does holding hands change anything
is it possible to be physically close while bein emotionally distant?
wat makes a gal want to hold a guy's hands?
wat makes a guy want to hold a gals hands?
wat happened if a female wrote the holy books. wld eve be made first?

if i dun remember anythin, i only remembered how ur waist felt like.
and it was a different feeling to hold hands which are of the same size.

falls on me

2005-07-23T01:06:00.000+08:00

sumtimes i tink i'm easily satisfied... a lil here and there... i dun expect myself to think and reflect on life... i live each day and end each day easily... i feel very little for others... i think less and use my mind to figure out complex mathematical problems lesser too... i rely on creative juice to make sure i work less and use the least effort... sumtimes i tink i misuse my brainpower. i know sumthin but still ask jus so that i do not think. but movies still make me think. and so does facing a problem in which i haf to solve. i'm less emo cos i dun haf time to be emo.

i dun feel much. which makes me very not opinionated. cos personally, i dun see anythin wrong. as unemphatatic as it sounds, it really doesn't bother me. bad service? i paid for my food. and if u dun gif a fuck, i dun gif a fuck and will jus walk away. which makes me wonder. wat if i go out wif sum1 who gives a geat deal abt service. wld she see me as uncaring or unloving of her? when i see it as, okie la, nuthin big. wld the great difference be enough to break us apart?

a few nites ago, me, ed and duck went out and smoked sheesha. i guess all the years of keepin secrets finally got the better of me. had to tell him abt k at sum point of time. and i guess it had to be after 8 years of knowin him. den there was duck. finally dared to tell her another thing. lost too many friends because i took the risk of telling them without expectin anythin in return.

so now, sumtimes i dunno y me and khai never talked abt anythin philosophical? we never challenged each other mentally... we never dared mention anythin further than guys and gals, and everythin in between... especially when we cld talk more... especially when we both cld talk deeper... but we never did... maybe i'm jus lazy to think. maybe, we dun dare to venture futher out anymore. maybe we jus never hung out much. maybe we jus never asked the questions... sighs... okie, as u can see, i'm feelin EMO already... and i'm askin loads of question... i realise why the poor ever became philosophers... they haf no freakin time to waste on thinking about stuff which won't bring food to the freaking table. only when u haf time to kill do u start thinking about life..

fallirnazation

2005-07-23T00:26:00.000+08:00

was listening to ironic by alanis morsette before noticing tis malay gal in a miniskirt sittin in front of me. next to her was tis lil gal in madrasah uniform. so as she got up, ahem la...and tis lil gal held her hands and talked to her. talk abt ironic. it was beige in case u were wonderin. anyways, saw ah jia, amin from tk & shaika while setting up the show for library's opening... and yes, to all the turtles livin under the rock, the new library@ bugis is OPENED!!!!!!!!! which means, i can check out the arty & design gals... haha... oh well... today saw tis gal in tudung wif the tightest of jeans. won't say anythin since i haf fallen for one early tis year. my most dangerous go out wif friend. for she was attached. though i never did ask her out anymore after i knew she was attached. she did most of the askin out.

so today i tink i haf maybe fallen. never tot i cld smile at a sms sent... but i did. i mean, i did haf a slight crush on her before, but we never had any contact and so she fizzled. den now, well, i dunno. i guess i kinda gotten back the crush. sighs... havent asked her out though. not counting all our hectic schedule. but i dunno. sumtimes i dun like sms cos u're never sure whether wat she types is jus how she is or whether ere's sumthin more. goddammit... met a few ppl who are jus the way they are even if they sent out the wrong signals unintentionally... well, actually to count, itz jus 2 la... but still.

so i'm back to my irritatin self to gain attention. i disturb and be mean, in a nice way though... hehe...

i guess i jus cant forget her eyes... if i forgot everything else, i wld only remember the almond shaped eyes... or at least a beautifully made-up eyes...

anyways, u all SHOULD watch crash... if itz still showing...

y do we say one thing but mean the other?
y is it easier to do things which hurt other ppl?
y do we fall only to get up and fall again?
y do we rather wan to feel hurt and pain than stay in the comfort zone?
y do i fall for ppl i'll never be more than jus friends?
y do i always fall for attached ppl?

anyways, got a zen micro 20 gig for 369!!!!! wheeeeee.... now itz a really small player... and when they said micro, they really meant micro... haha...

and oh yea, i miss holding hands wif ya!!! even if we're jus friends...

and tat means if i start tryin to go out wif the gal i haf a crush on, i'll haf to stop though... hehe...

arrrghhhh... sumtimes itz weird... even as i took pics wif other(hot gals, well, actually it was jus one & she's quite tactile too) at baybeats, my mind keeps flyin to ya... and speaking of tat, i met another crush.. or rather dream gal(literally)... but i dunno y... i didnt want to talk to her. so we jus exchanged pleasantries... and after a few minutes, i said i had to go off even if i had no where to go. i dunno, i guess it was easier leavin her than talkin to her and pretending i dun feel anythin at all... even when all i wanted to do was stand there for as long as i could, i ran away. though she wore too much make up.

so now, i'm working like crazy... and i'm kinda broke again... i still owe a lot of ppl photos, i now haf a crush, got a job which makes me perspire like crazy, but meant travelling around singapore. actaully, not much la... lately been doin school shows in the east... and if i haf a choice to send my child to a primary school currently... it would be a tough fight between poi ching and loyang... oh man, the food was great and the teachers are hot... hehe... cant help myself, sumtimes the scenery is jus too nice to miss... but only a mini crush on tis teacher... hehe...

so, i guess i'm jus reliving my primary school days... was the food really tat bad?
i dunnno... still remembered i opened my unofficial stall sellin western food... which was basically fried and hotdogs and nuggets... it was my only business i ever did... sighs... which brings me to more depressing stories abt tis gal i had a crush on in primary 1. oh well... i guess it was easier tat we never talked.

check out phoetryinfusion

2005-06-06T18:32:00.000+08:00

today i learnt that i have just begun on my digital artwork... well, i'm still lost, still groping my way around in the dark and trying to find my first inspirations... itz still crude la, but itz my first... it takes quite a while for me to start on an idea... a theme... still finding the definitive art style of now for me... lets see how it progresses...

jus seems my older poems are less angsty but more kiddishly emo... haha...

my newest obsession

2005-06-03T21:04:00.000+08:00

todae, i jus gave birth to a new idea... itz called phoetry infusion... i'm gonna attach a picture to my poems from now onwards... but the problem is i have to start it... hah... idea struck while i was emo-ing at borders, shuffling between the poetry section and the photography section... u guys know how far tat is... haha... so yea.. will start it once i'm in the mood... which might mean tonite... hopefully... yeay... was thinkin between the line of poetry fusion or photo fushin.. den as i was texing wif sarah M, suddenly tot of the name... wheeee

my 3rd eye

2005-05-30T23:46:00.000+08:00

i tink alcohol does sumthin to the third eye... jus a tot... and i feel stupid abt writin the other post... but itz good tat i feel stupid now... haha... anger bad, feelin stupid is better than bein angry... whee... and bittersweet, had a great time... wat ever i wrote wasn't abt u... except the rain part.. hahaha...

keep it real, the truth hurts, live with it

2005-05-30T17:25:00.000+08:00

on sunday, i was reminded wat i wanted to forget all this while after i finished school and no more IS classes... it was the same feeling... it sucked, but hey, itz abt the same... maybe i shld jus stop doin it... but i shall believe in self fulfilling prophecy and say it was fated, tat it was fated i'm stuck in tat cycle... but really, cant help it... it was almost an exact replica of the third week of skol... i cant stop laughing and then, there... i feel totally out of place... maybe it was the rain, but really it wasnt... didnt want to tell ya at then, tellin ya now... i still feel weird meetin sumone when she's gonna meet sumone else later... itz the same wif ducky & nas, liza & him(i forgot his name) and now u... i dunno... itz jus a weird feelin... makes me feel bad...

okie, so here's another point...tis is another story...

i dunno, but i guess the truth will HURT... yes, it will hurt... we want to open up as a society, we gotta learn to laugh at ourselves... dun take everything too seriously... there's a time to be laughing and a time to be serious... and a time where u want to be serious but u gotta laugh cos what they did contained no malicious... they dun intend to hurt you... they jus lookin for a cheap joint of blunt... so i'm sorry if u are hurt by it... i got hurt and extorted by their quest... but i jus laugh... wats the point... they dun mean to hurt me or my feelings... do you really think they were out to hurt you in the first place...

here's a story i heard... it was a stand up comedian...
here's my version, since i forgot most of it...

you guys ever seen these white guys who vandalise their wasted friends?? and they wake up the next day laughing or beating the shite of of their fwens, methaphorically speaking... well, you try that shite on a black dude and he will kill you... man, you dun do tat to ur dawg man... when a black man sleeps near you, it means he trust you... and u break that trust, u're a dead man... i guess we can split the human race into these two categories...(personally i tink 3)... the serious guys who wont see anythin funny, and the guys who laughs...( i tink the 3rd grp wld be the dun gif a shite grp... they are always the coolest... haha... )

so, i'm kinda pissed off...as always...as mathi said, my blog sound angsty... i guess when i'm pissed, that when i wanna write... and every other strong emotions... so yea... i'm pissed when i can try to see things their way, wifout being a 'stereotyped' singaporean, but other ppl cant see it and glorify this stereotype... go figure what the stereotypes are in the first place... and itz not kiasu-ism... (tats the other things which pisses me off too though, esp when the elderly practices it... sure, there are always sum gems, but most are jus unappreciative-esp the pushy types) i can gif their defence, but i shalln't cos i'm feelin unreasonable and intolerant RITE NOW... yes, only NOW... NOT later... to my friends whom i have talked to before... i'm not talkin abt you... i'm talkin to those who i havent talked to and still feeling what i jus wrote... cos yea, i'm talkin atb you...

back to the part jus before kiasuism... so yea... i'm only complyin because i'm a team player and dun want my neighbourhood to get into trouble... if they didnt tell me anythin, i dun gif a shite what you think of me cos it doesnt mean anything... it wont affect me, i dun thin i'll ever see you anymore at all... but, i will see these ppl i'm complyin wif... and they matter more than your petty opinions... and go ahead wif a war of words... u can write bad stuff abt me... sure, i'll get pissed off if it aint true, but hey, i wrote my blog as a chronicler... i jus record them as i see it... i dun go personal... unless itz my feelings... so i dun wack u unless u did it... but does intention counts?

lets say u didnt break a law... lets a collective goes out to help the elderly... does the diff intentions to help, whether good or jus to feel good matter? wat if u didnt want to help, but it helps u feel better, so u do it... does it really matter? and if u are mean to a person, does the intention to be mean or jus accidentally mean really matter? well, i guess we shld not over exagerrate anythin.. cos it will haunt you when u jsu meant a small thing... like if i said, i wanna make sure u die, i really meant i wanna get u back... but wat i said abt u cld be used against me, if u are threatened... so, another lesson learnt... if i want you to be hurt real bad, i'll jus say i hope ur life will be great... can u sue for written sarcasm?( i guess tats called false innuendo) i can defend on basis on zen and general well bein and karma... and i really hope u haf a nice life even if u've been an asshole(or shld i say a nice person) to me... or i cld jus defend on the basis that u do not fulfill the 3 criterias for defamation... haha, jus tryin to apply wat i learnt in skol...

so to whoever i'm writin to, itz for you, cos i really dun know who i'm writin to... but u're out there... sumwhere in the world... and itz for you... cos u're such a petty person... crying over spilled milk cos ur sibling spilled it... i dun hear my brother cryin out tat i've been bullyin him(okie so he did, but wats the point, ur parents gonna scold ya, den u continue doin it)... but think abt the consequences... before u start doing anything... wld u enjoy depriving ur brother of another opportunity to participate in any other family activities? think things through before you act. i'm not that affected, but i think for others... have you.. i may haf hurt you personally, but i didnt hurt ur reputation... and think abt it, i guess u jus never been to much social gatherings... wat are those wifout laughter? even if u're the butt? u can look back and have stories to tell... i haf... u have... but are u proud to have them? den i guess u're not comfortable with ppl and opening up... and then i'm sad for you... i am sumtimes guilty and i'm sad for MYSELF too sumtimes...

but i live on... i get make fun of, i'm pisssed... i'm always pissed when i'm the butt of a joke... but hey, i laugh on... and well, itz always funny later on...

well, hey, if i wasnt the cause of your dissatisfaction, den hey... at least i learnt sumthin abt myself... haha...

ere, i dun feel so pissed off alraedy... i tink i'll just put back my pacifier since it didnt work when i was pissed off...

hmmm, wat are dreams?

2005-05-16T20:37:00.000+08:00

okie... here's a crazy dream... i dreamt i was an archer king or commander... and my castle was under seige... so ere we were, shooting arrows and it seems i was an experienced commander cos i cld tell wat was missing and how to operate tactical formations which i haf no ideas abt. i knew we weren't to shoot arrows yet till it reaches range and i cld shoot arrows within cms away from the intended target. i was skilled in the crossbow too cos i was using it later on. i was commanding these few lazy asses who were sittin on one of the parapets and jus lookin out. so i shouted at them to meet me at the bottom of the tower, since ere were too many of them at the parapet. so den they met, and we went to a supermarket to get more arrows... haha... now it gets weirder... so went to the supermarket, got our arrows.. abt a few basketfull of them... den i was in a cultural show of my enemies. armed wif my crossbow, i was shootin the actors one by one and they cried.after a few of them went down, they announced that i should not cheat and play fairly... den me and a few others got into a red sports car and drove off... hahaha... yea...

den last nite, i dreamt i was shooting wif these young camera crew. we were in front of a elderly care home and it was sumone's whom we do not speak the name of. so were shootin in front at the entrance... there were a few other crew... den, tis young security guard came out to ask to see the video, if not, he will destroy the tape... so i rewound the tape and showed him the parts which cld be seen... those which were illegal shots of the place was not seen by him and he jus let us go... and the other film crew got caught... den was woken up cos had to go to work... haha...

last nite bbq @ jerome's place... huge thanks to benita, gops, jerome who cooked(mostly benita, at least i always saw her at the bbq pit) haha... it was edible and i wasnt sick, so itz okie... hahahaha... i just learnt wat ppl considered strong, i didnt... but i'm not addicted, i jus cld take a lot... heeee.... had the kurant one... whee... though was a bit high today... when i was walkin to mediacorp... haha.. den it was okie... whee... sherman was wasted, wat wif chilli sauce and all... shite... haha... benita kena 96... again.... hahaha... had loads of fun... everythin else is mums... hahaha... i was a good boy... nuthin happened... really... haha... cld ask everyone who was ere... i jus knew i was a lil high... haha...

todae, got a letter tat tells me i graduated wif merit... though not gettin any cash... hahaha... i'm so narrow minded... and the job i apply for never asked for my paper qualifications... oh well, maybe when i decide to teach... hahaha... wheee... didnt expect to get tat... haha... esp since my last sem's grade sucked... B for both IS (but i gif WISP an AD, wif wat was experienced wif tat class, and the ppl ere... heh...) AD for surround sound(i tink the grades was moderated cos my exam papers sucked and my first assignment got a B), A+ for specialist project, and C for media law... i tink my last exam sucked... haha... oh well, i still got either AD or the highest for all my sound modules... but i still feel as if i do not know loads of things... in fact, i feel inadequately taught... but oh well, we all learn thru the greatest teacher, MISTAKES... sumtimes costly, sumtimes by others... i've been doin post most of the time tat i suddenly forgot abt production... and only after abt 3 days at work that i actually got the hang of it... not i'm super organised back... haha... i dunno, seems my life might be takin me thru the production path. wat will happen to my live sound path? i guess different lobang... but the pay's great... and i actually started as a boom operator on my first try... skipped the shite... so i dunno... hmmmm... oh well.... i guess i shlod jus thank my lucky star... and the guys ere were great, esp kenny...

so now, a few days off...takin my baby, i tink i'm gonna name her khelena, ya, meet khelena... my always spoilt digi camera who has been thru loads wif me and brought me many friends, sum whom i'm close to... and many more that she's done for me... ros, joel and hambril also enjoy her company... hahaha... so i guess we have to part to send you to the hospital again... and get another cleaning cloth from canon.. so tis will be my 3rd cloth... hahaha...

den watchin a movie i guess...den goin off to vick's house to help him wif the computer...

who's sad at this very moment?

2005-05-11T16:55:00.000+08:00

today, at 4.50 pm, i felt that sumone i noe is crying or really sad... i dunno who it is, but i noe of u guys is really sad... i cld offer nuthin, but hope that ur tears dry up quickly.

blogs: an expression of the mind

2005-05-11T01:17:00.000+08:00

i dunno how u ppl see blogs. but i see it as a mode of expression. i guess, personally, itz more than jus an avenue to rant and rave. it is how i keep myself from exploding or bein stressed out or anythin too extreme. i write it down, it enters cyberspace, it leaves my body. pure, simple and unadulterated. i pass down no judgement, i do not betray any secrets. i write it as a 3rd person. for i can hardly associate myself with the person in writing. it makes it more neutral. disbelieve me if you will, but it has always been that way. i guess itz my defence mechanism. i run away from pain, sorrow, joy, happiness, fears, the world. i leave the person in question and become a neutral 3rd party. how i disassociate myself, i guess itz my gift, honed through the years. my mind speaks most when i keep quiet and hold a pen or keyboard or use my hands for sign language. though most do not understand sign language, it has been my substitute for the pen and keyboard... maybe tat explains y i hardly write in my poem book anymore...

sure, ppl get slam for their blogs. ppl get called hypocrites in their blog. but hey, who really speaks their mind? there are always more things to say in retrospect, when the mind clears of all prejudice emotions... once we are prejudiced, we are open to a whole array of free arsenal to hurt the other person. and when we keep quiet, sumtimes, it becomes another weapon. whether intentionally or not, in the interest of not hurting more... in the name of not sayin things which will make the matter worst cos u are abt to say sumthin which you will regret later on, for it was not worth saying.

so i write this entry to say, wat ever is written, is history for me. the way i deal with my problems and troubles in life. things which affected me. things which i want to get rid of by making it permanent. as much as it is paradoxical, it works. i feel nothing for the me of yesterday, i feel for today. i guess this is my way of clearing stuff up. sadly as it is ineffective practically, it is the way my brain works.

it isnt because of me. but i only haf a limited peripheral vision. i see a consequence, i see the effect. wat more can u deduce?

afgan guy meets swedish gal

2005-05-11T00:05:00.000+08:00

so here's a nice story:

one fine day, an afgan meets a swedish gal in the desert. they got along pretty fine, but sumtimes they were born into two different cultures. and with all cross cultures, there's bound to be mishaps and misunderstandings. they dun speak the same language, they dun practice the same culture, they dun think the same, they dun express their emotions the same way. the afgan guy takes on the role of the quiet one, while the swedish gal takes on the role of the talkative ones... itz rather that, he's been used to bein the quiet one, and she the more verbal one. but the afgan guy likes to write... in fact he writes instead of talkin... so his deepest tots are rooted to what he writes not wat he speaks. so much so that sumtimes, he doesnt say very much when the situation arises and needs him to talk. he jus sadly says okie, which infuriates her to some extent. to him, he could reply or say anythin, so he says okie. doesnt mean he dun care abt anything, jus that he has nuthin to say at all at that moment. but let him sleep over it, and he'll be replying one by one, though usually he doesnt cos the moment's gone, and he only writes abt it. and sadly, he likes to live and see his life as a tragedy. so much so it has become a habit.

so sumtimes, his actions are wat defines his, even if he doesnt mean it... so one day, his heart melted, under the scorching sun... and later, he was treated to ice cream and his heart was ice cold. for it was a special type of ice cream. and he lived his life wif the frozen heart for abt a few hours before a voice warmed his soul back. it wasn't the main reason his heart melted, but it was a catalyst, which induced an internal kindness and feeling tat he has neglected the sun and how it warmed him up. but the sun saw pity in his eyes and never rose ever again. and it told him to forget abt the sun. forget it ever rose in the morning, for the planets revolve around the sun and not vice versa. the sun needs only itself to burn fiercely, the sun dun need the planets. so the afgan boy sits quietly and ponders about all that has been said. for the afgan boy wonders, if his actions speaks of pity rather than concern.

so he asks a scientist what happens if the sun has no planets revolving around it. the scientist gave no answer for the question stumped him. so he went to ask the ustaz. wat happens? again, is time, he offers an answer which didnt really struck a chord to him. and he sees a lil gal one day, and decides to ask her what she tot about it. to which the little girl replied, 'then the sun would really be lonely now wldn't it? and if it does happen, den i guess the sun got wat it wanted, but does it really want to live all by itself? we cant do anythin abt the sun, it is too far away from us.' and so he continues his journey back to the desert.

there, he meditated for a while, allowing wat ever light to engulf him. so he woke up the next day. and wondered abt the pity part. he could only say okie. for he sees wat he has done and how it was interpreted. and he cant do much anymore.

he came without any expectations when he left his house, and came back knowing sumhow, his expectations was present. he left his home hoping to see the world, jus to understand it. and he returned home, after being told he would never understand it and to return home, when he tried his best to live in the foreign world. he returned home, alienated from the foreign world, yet feels uncomfortable in the safety net of his own world. he then opened his book, and retold and wrote of his adventures. and today, he was accused by the sect of his community that wat he wrote was blasphemous, that he shld have consulted the elders first before trying to spread false teachings to the community. but he stood there, thinking, " i never shared anythin much to the community. i jus wrote a little of my experience and what troubled me during the voyages. i do not intend to spread my faith in order to topple yours. and i didnt tell you first cos i never said much".. but he jus kept quiet. for these thoughts came to him only when he went back home after the elders dismissed him from their presence.

so he finds solice in writing. sumtimes, he wonders, things will go bad when the communication medium is different. if he writes in arabic and she talks in french, wldn't it frustrates the other person if no one changes and tries to learn the other language or medium? but more of the medium. if they both understood french, but one writes and the other speaks, wld the writer be seen as not caring or even bothered, if he dun speak? but the writer never did see anythin wr0ng if one cant write french.

so the written word and the spoken word. the afgan boy just wasn't built to speak. he was built to write. and hope tat ppl wld try to understand the quiet afgan boy sitting at his corner, writing in his book. for he speaks and is boisterous, just that he cant be heard. he is boisterous in his mind when he can speak wifout opening his mouth. for he cometh forth to the world wifout much expectations, except tat ppl be nice if he is nice. and yet, he is willing to learn different cultures if given time and is welcomed by the culture holder. sadly, he is a believer tat if u can start a prank, u can receive a prank in return. but he just never practices it.

how bout we try again?

2005-05-09T21:08:00.000+08:00

how do i begin?
(i am writin tis with no malice tone, think rather a reflective bursting tone)( i still think this post will make matter worst, but hey, i'll be surprised if it can get any worst)(wat i type now may not be right or correct, but tis is how i felt wat happened, unless u're willing to tell me anythin more, den at least misunderstandings wont occur, i cant read ur mind babe, i can sympathise with you, but i cant emphatise with ya)

maybe i shld start lying? yeah, tat'll shield the pain away... let you live a lie. i mean, y not right? white lies. wat harm do they do? so y dun i jus lie and tell you sweet nothings which will comfort you? i guess cos i dunno what happened to ya? and y not? cos u never wanted to tell me in the first place... maybe i didnt press you, but u'll jus avoid it anyway and turn away.. so i never will press you for anythin... maybe i shld have jus told ya i do consider you a good friend... or not offer more of my feelings abt how i was hurt when you ignored me in full glory of ur best friends, jus because of what happened to ya. wat ever abt me? why do i even expected anythin from me u say? maybe i've been nuthin but nice to ya? and i get hurt everytime... sumtimes i wonder why we are nice to ppl who hurt us the most? i guess i can understand y sumtimes abusive husbands get away and their wives never seem to want to separate from them... i dun live my life as a tragedy, but i got used to it... we can get used to anything if we stay ard it for long periods of time.

sure, today i got the same u put on ur earphones and ignored me treatment, but it was only for a quite a while... beside that, i actually had a nice time, till we were on our way to the train... den i had to spoil it la by tellin u extra details which i cld haf jus omitted or told ya a nicer version... but no, i decided to be bluntly honest wif ya... though u inculcalated the sense of honesty wif ya... u noe how they say actions speaks louder? so here's a question to ponder:

is it better that the road to hell is paved with good intentions or the road to heaven is paved with not so nice intentions?

i guess count me the fool for choosing to do nice things with wrong intentions. i guess itz the intelluctual's flaw. pure deeds must be accompanied with pure intentions. i'm not talkin abt ulterior motives, but motives which are not 100% what the actions is portrayin. sure, the guys might haf a little influence over y i asked how u were, but most of it was internal. i didnt guess it was serious. y u asked? cos i was blinded by hurt. ur actions seemed to tell me to FUCK off!! what are u doin in front of my face... i'm too good to even say hi, no matter how bad my day was.
cos itz never too bad to say back a hi to a friend. andto one whom u want to be considered a good friend? i guess i hope u think abt that.

how can i lie to u and say u are a good friend when the past few times, i never felt comfortable with you around(till today, i actually felt great, esp after we left starbucks...i've gotten over the uneasy feeling i usually had when u were ard)... u simply ignored me when i was saying hi to you... it was a small matter to say the least... but it was a great flame of unfriendly-ness... so, i cant say u are my good friend yet...we cant hold a 5 min discussion of anything...

i hope u understand why i said wat i said... and itz okie if u dun, cos i dun expect you to.

fuck it, i'm tired... wats the use? i cant talk to ya... i cant think of stuff to talk abt... the only time i had a great time was the same as when i first see tears and pain in ur eyes... so, will what we haf built today be jus ruins? i dunno... i'm willing to rebuild it if u are willing to rebuild it with me. so how bout we give it a try?

sweet silence

2005-05-04T16:05:00.000+08:00

i read sumwhere that young ppl never understand the meaning of comfortable silence unlike the old folks. they always replacing the serene silence with one of constant chatter, covering every silent moment they could with talk. well, i guess yesterday i learnt what it meant to have a comfortable silence( or is it tat i tink i'm gettin old den)... maybe i experienced it before, but i never did remember it. so, to the one who pointed out what a sweet silence means, this goes out to ya...

anyways, my skin in now peeling... so no need to get whitening moisturisers... the burnt skin is now peeling, so i feel as if i'm havin sum diesase that is making my skin peel... but itz quite revitalising, peeling the burnt away... almost as if u are peeling layers of urself and watever tat has burnt me in the past and throwing it away... a type of rebirth... i'm still peeling the skin, dunno if itz good or not... arrghh, the wonders of not wearing sun block...

went to watch Guess Who yesterday... it was quite nice, really, loved the race issues, wat was talked previously... though it was kind of like meet the fockers... and here's the funny part... while on the bus, tis indian man(whom i tink is drunk) and tis chinese man...

I.M: u laughing at me huh? making fun fo my skin is it?
C.M: (in a really smooth voice) no. y shld i make fun of you. u tell me la.
I.M: den jus now u were laughing at me.
CM: i wasnt laughing at you. now u tell me when i laughed at you.u were the one who said i was makin fun of your skin.
IM: i remembered wat you said.jus now wat.
CM: bla bla bla
IM: bah, ok ok, nvm...

den there was silence for a few seconds before the indian man decides to start the same issue again...
i was a few seats in front, half asleep, hand in my pocket, ready for a fight and for me to stop them... dunno wat i'll do la, but i was kind of mentally prepared... i guess i wld haf tried to restrain the indian man, cos he was the one who started the y are u makin fun of me shite... as the words of simon green, "i'm not gonna say anything, u'll just think i'm a racist"...
so later, off to work on the tamil series(if i dun get cancelled, since he hasn't msged me the location yet)... the grip guy(i dunno how u spell his name but it sounds like kelny) is a very a nice guy... he saw me before, though i dunno where and he dun either...

i dunno, i feel weird how i always want sumone to be there, yet, when they are there, i dun want them to be there...

anyways, i want to try ice skating... to the wld be ice skating teacher of mine, i'll msg ya when i'm not workin, either tat or when i start work late...

welcome back sire

2005-04-27T21:38:00.000+08:00

there's sumthin weird tat happened... it all began when i went for the friday gig at dhoby ghaut and nic sparks's notebook... i got off the train and was really emo and full of awe of the station... really i was... i was so, majestic... haha... anyways, den got a nice surprise to know tat i was doin sound... well, not so nice but a good surprise... minus the fact i was there abt 6.10 and the gig starts at 7... and i didnt set up the place... the wonderous horror of doin sound in which you have to figure out where everything is connected to and the technician/those who set up isn't there... in less than an hour... so got the show started... had a late nite meeting/chill out session ever since a few weeks back...

got a kind of part time job... one indian production... so itz no evenings for me... oh well

den sat went to johore wif ma parents... went to eat at the place where me, ducky and azim was eatin(well, they were, i was jus puking the entire time at tat restaurant cos of the mushroom i ate at ducky's house a few hours prior)... well, abt 2 tables away was a grp smokin sheesha... *gasp*... hahaha...

den sunday was back at PS... i guess now dhoby ghaut is quite an emo place for me to be... it was the same feelings again... well, minus the fact i was abt to finish the notebook... lin gave me a hug which kinda made me feel better i guess... dunno why though...so anyways, den we sat at mac for a while before goin back...

was readin lin's blod... den tis flash of memory came back... maybe wat was whispered to me on my birthday the same phrase.. though i cant be sure... love me if you dare... seriously i forgot... but suddenly it sounded so familiar... so oh well....

i guess i will kind of drop my status of a dead poet... there's words forming inside my head... jus nuthin yet to write abt... sadly, i haf yet to find sumthin to write abt... though tis make up artist nearly made me write one... but sumhow it jus never really erupted... sighs... i'm too lazy to write abt cambodia todae... so wont write abt it... hahaha

jus got a job... kind of... freelance sound recordist... whee... at least for a few days... like abt 20 days... not as if i cld understand wat i'm recording... a tamil drama series in which i do not know the name of the series... well, i was told once, but as if i cld understand like tat...

so anyways, shld be a fun week for the next 2 weeks... quite a busy weel no doubt... so, i'm off to sentosa on friday... wheee...

welcome back for the 2nd episode

2005-04-22T14:46:00.000+08:00

so on the 3rd day, i think, i started on brick layering with sarah A.M aka sam... jus not to confuse wif sarah tan aka ms taitai wannabe... hee... so yea... never haf i luaghed so hard with anyone on this trip before... i guess her laughter was infectious... so we were eating lunch (white rice and chicken bones - which wld be the menu for lunch for the next few days) together and sittin by each other... we were jus too lazy to get up... so sumhow we ended up sleepin on each other's shoulders... later on, she decides to make a pact... we were gonna act like a couple durin the trip... a no strings attached pact... so there began my summer fling in cambodia... well, every started askin me if i was together wif sam or not after a few days... since we were always hanging out together and stuff... the first to ask was tim... he was quite adamant abt askin me... he kept askin every few days... den there was benita who kept askin me too... den there was jeremy and kiff too who asked me once... we didnt do anythin... jus were quite close... but on the emotional level, i guess the both of us made sure we were never on the same frequencies... it was easier tat way... so in between, we were warm and cold... sumtimes warm, sumtimes cold... she's jus as much as a loner as me... favouring to be alone, away from the crowd... jus being by urself sumtimes... but i sumtimes try not to be like tat when ere's a lot of ppl ard since no use bein alone when u got friends around... so sumtimes we wld spend time jus staring into space...

on the trip, i kinda learnt how to find the north star... if i still got the theory right, under orion's belt is the south star... so directly opposite it is the north star... also learnt that if guys poked their ass, semen will come out... dunno how true it is... might haf jus been a prank... tats wat supposed to happen when u go for a STD test... (or watever the test is called)... oh well...

then there was the dumb information we told to teach other... like volcanic ashes, vietnam on the opposite side, the human smugglers, the boats being pulled by a string attached to trees, kallang river startin in cambodia, red ants abt the size of your hands... dun remember any thin else la...not yet at least...

then there was the hundreds of pranks being held... from me gettin my nails painted, to lan xi havin her face vandalised with the word donkey(well tat was because they were playin uno and she lost 6 times in cumulative total.... to sam and beni gettin the 96, to jeremy and eddy gettin the white moisturising cream on their pants while they slept, to sherman gettin his leg vandalised with marker pens, to eddy gettin his face rubbed with tiger balm, him gettin his shorts pulled, to beni bein carried out, to sumone runnin away from gopi and fallin and hurting her finger, to j gettin punked... the first one was mascara bein applied to his eyebrows... on one side since he kinda woke up a bit... well, he moved la... den the a pad coloured red was placed under him and video-ed it... not sure if there was another one in between or not... heh...

will update as i remember... stay tune for another few more episodes... maybe 2 or 3 more

Welcome to the Hotel Combodia

2005-04-21T14:45:00.000+08:00

i'm back!!!!!!!!! well, more of yesterday... back to proper roads, proper vehicles travelling at the right lanes (hopefully i dun imitate the locals in cambodia while driving), good food and DRINKS, wifout the fear of gettin typhoid/diarrhea. arrghhh... so how do you catogerise what has happened during the whole trip?? let start from the beginning...

5th April 05

was abt an hour early for the gathering... so was jus walkin abt in the airport before goin back to BK after knowing serene was also at BK... flew there on flight MI608 (SilkAir)... there was a cute air stewardess... haha... flight took abt 2 hours i guess... got the window seat... sat wif sarah tan and tim... so anyways, it was pretty how when we first touched down at Phnom Penh International Airport... there we were greeted by tis lady who gave us all a bracelet(kind of) made from, i tink it was, jasmine flowers. den we headed to tis place to eat... *checks the photos for the name*

we ate at the Baan Thai restaurant... anyways, had plain rice wif other stuff i guess... first contact with Khmer food... which basically means white rice wif a soup and another meat and veg... had bottled soft drinks... tat summarises our first nite... went straight to the hospital after that... we had tis cottage lookin house.. 2 storey high with electricity/light/fan/attached bathrooms... quite cool actually... so anyways... abt 12 of us were upstairs and another 11 downstairs... slept next to eddy the first nite... so there was like me, charlene and hanizah who can't sleep tat nite... had fun hearing eddy waking himself up with his own noise tat he made at night... it was sum scary shite noise made by him... and he jus woke up... me and hanizah were like laughing away...

morning came and i was the first few to wake up(which will be the only time i was to wake up very early)... went down to take pic of the land we were to destroy and build a playground... not tat it was much use anyway since it was basically sand and a destroyed building... in which bits of foundations still stood... so the first day was basically changkol-ing the path... the whole 140 meters... so there we spent the whole of the first day digging trenches to lay the bricks... dam hard work really... especially the breaking of bricks and rocks... and if u hit the rocks accidentally and was holding the hoe really tight, u'll get some good vibrations on your lower back and wrist... and u'll be like shite... had chicken and rice for lunch... jus white rice and bits of chicken... den dinner was tis whole fish and soup and veg and unlimited rice... chinese style...

next day was spent leveling the trenches and making sure it was abt 1m wide... den laid the bricks and cement... had our first taste of cement mixing... shite job i tell ya... to mix 50kg of cement with god knows how many kgs of sand and water... basically it was 1 bag of cement, 8 large pails of sand with 2 pails of water... so yea... back breaking... so the ppl took turns to make them... then there were the brick layers, cement makers, the sand brigade, brick passing brigade... in which everyone was part of... so not much of specialist there... but we each found our lil niche and something which we were good at... jeremy found his at the making of the cement volcano... i found mine in brick layering... but i did very lil since needed more ppl at the cement mixing...

arrrghhh... running late to meet up wif khai... so shall write sum more later on...

apologies to those i neglected

2005-04-03T16:39:00.000+08:00

today i learnt a new word, coruscated... To give forth flashes of light or To exhibit sparkling virtuosity... i like that word, gonna use it the next time i can... haha... okies... produciton has jus ended... whee... i'm finally free now... well, i'll be in cambodia on tuesday... for two weeks... so wont be updating... like duh... haha... do drop by my tagboard and tell me how much u miss me... mua hahahaha... i havent packed anythin yet... ahvent done any preparations yet... i'm gonna be screwed on monday... sighs... abt to go out wif ma family to celebrate my belated bdae... my camera's not back yet... sighs... sighs sighs sighs sighs... Y????!!!!! oh well, anyways, now on loop is 6 songs by gerhana skacinta... i lurrveeee senyuman ragumu... sighs... dunno y... itz the most comforting sounding song... jus finished my reports and journals for my final year project... monday's the due date...

well, rai came for the last show... the only one i waved at... haha... not many ppl i noe la who watches the shows i do... not tat i'm complaining la since i cant really talk to them on last days of production cos we need to bump out... an almost perfect final show... no msitakes(at least on my part) or tat i remembered... haha... the memory is an excellent liar... i guess tis will be my first perfect double bill... haha... woots...

i guess i'm on my way to no where ness till i get directions and get called for national service... i wonder where i will go... i hope where ever i go, i would be coruscating to those around me... haha... whee... used it once already... haha... always fun to learn a new word...

and so, to all those whom i have to say good bye and havent yet... good bye all... will be back 2 weeks later ya... do miss me along the way... haha... ciaoz....

how does it feel?

2005-03-29T09:58:00.001+08:00

how does it feel to see a glass shattered while wrapped in cloth?
how does it feel to feel numbness while poision runs thruogh your vein?
how does it feel to be continuosly injected with poison and its antidote?
How does it feel to feel lost while following the beacon's light?
how does it feel to cry dry tears?
how does it feel to forget something memoriable?
how does it feel to be pushed over the edge into a floor of spikes, while under the spikes lies heaven?
i really don't know how it feels... but i felt like that....

so today marks emo day number 2... i dun like emo days when i haf to work... i dun mind if i'm bored and be emo la... but it affects my work drastically... and my driving... well, at least when i was goin home with suf... had to stop at the gate to refocus, after nearly hitting a car and the gate while goin out... but i guess wldn't haf been so bad... i was sitting on the red soft sofa with suf, and suddenly pang... it hits me... so a few seconds of emoness and shireen calls me over and they started askin who was the gal they saw me with... well, told them my friend... sure a few more teasing, but i hope shireen understood... was never tat serious in tellin her sumone's jus a friend...

i need time to fade away from my make believe world... and return to tis world... where everything's much more dangerous and well, much more cruel... i sumtimes need to continually lie to myself to walk on this earth proudly and without fear... and i need to do more these few days before i can switch back to my normal mode(if ere is such a thing, but i guess normal is wat is before sumthin drastic happens)... usually i dun get too emo... i dunno... i usually have to keep reminding myself...

i finally understand why sum ppl wld want to be very bitter to sumone... i guess, it makes them feel better... easier to hate than love... sure they will mean it at the specific time, but feelings change... at the the attacker's will... the victim will always be left with a scar they cld never erase... and usually, tats when the attacker becomes the victim... so, can a carebear become bitter? maybe for a few days... but wats most important is that he dun show it... cos really, itz jus for 1 or 2 days... no use being bitter for a few days when after tat, u'll be just the usual u and still want the friends whom u wld haf been bitter to... i guess my running nose compliments my mood the past few days... dripping uncontrollably when u dun want to to... causes asphyxiation by sumtimes blocking one or even both nostrils... to sri and ducky who will haf to hear my whines durin my emo days... esp sri...

"so pardon me while i burst into flames
....
So pardon me while i burn, and rise above the flame
Pardon me, pardon me. i'll never be the same.
Not, two days ago i was having a look in a book
And i saw a picture of a guy fried up above his knees
I said i can relate
Cause lately i've been thinking of combustication as a welcomed vacation from."

pardon me - Incubus

how does it feel?

2005-03-29T09:58:00.000+08:00

how does it feel to see a glass shattered while wrapped in cloth?
how does it feel to feel numbness while poision runs thruogh your vein?
how does it feel to be continuosly injected with poison and its antidote?
How does it feel to feel lost while following the beacon's light?
how does it feel to cry dry tears?
how does it feel to forget something memoriable?
how does it feel to be pushed over the edge into a floor of spikes, while under the spikes lies heaven?
i really don't know how it feels... but it felt like that....

so today marks emo day number 2... i dun like emo days when i haf to work... i dun mind if i'm bored and be emo la... but it affects my work drastically... and my driving... well, at least when i was goin home with suf... had to stop at the gate to refocus, after nearly hitting a car and the gate while goin out... but i guess wldn't haf been so bad... i was sitting on the red soft sofa with suf, and suddenly pang... it hits me... so a few seconds of emoness and shireen calls me over and they started askin who was the gal they saw me with... well, told them my friend... sure a few more teasing, but i hope shireen understood... was never tat serious in tellin her sumone's jus a friend...

i need time to fade away from my make believe world... and return to tis world... where everything's much more dangerous and well, much more cruel... i sumtimes need to continually lie to myself to walk on this earth proudly and without fear... and i need to do more these few days before i can switch back to my normal mode(if ere is such a thing, but i guess normal is wat is before sumthin drastic happens)... usually i dun get too emo... i dunno... i usually have to keep reminding myself...

i finally understand why sum ppl wld want to be very bitter to sumone... i guess, it makes them feel better... easier to hate than love... sure they will mean it at the specific time, but feelings change... at the the attacker's will... the victim will always be left with a scar they cld never erase... and usually, tats when the attacker becomes the victim... so, can a carebear become bitter? maybe for a few days... but wats most important is that he dun show it... cos really, itz jus for 1 or 2 days... no use being bitter for a few days when after tat, u'll be just the usual u and still want the friends whom u wld haf been bitter to... i guess my running nose compliments my mood the past few days... dripping uncontrollably when u dun want to to... causes asphyxiation by sumtimes blocking one or even both nostrils... to sri and ducky who will haf to hear my whines durin my emo days... esp sri...

"so pardon me while i burst into flames
....
So pardon me while i burn, and rise above the flame
Pardon me, pardon me. i'll never be the same.
Not, two days ago i was having a look in a book
And i saw a picture of a guy fried up above his knees
I said i can relate
Cause lately i've been thinking of combustication as a welcomed vacation from."

pardon me - Incubus

my bittersweet teen years

2005-03-27T00:50:00.000+08:00

i guess, todae wld be the most fascinating bithday i ever spent... certainly, the rollercoaster in my life... wat a way to start your post teen years...

woke up quite chirpy... dunno y also... den got damn pissed off cos sri came late... met jason boon on the bus to skol... when i was already on my way, sri tells me she's gonna be an hour late... so wasted abt one hour in skol, tryin to kill time by playin chess and stuff on the mac... den started work i guess... guess, after a few hours of work, we became crazy... we were jus laughing and shouting at each other... as usual... i guess, as sri puts it, we jus might be the only grp who shouts at each other jus for the hell of it to laugh out loud... haha... den went to eat at SIM... and went for rehearsals... well, rehearsals was okie i guess... ducky came... she's helpin out too... so quite fun la... den, i dunno, decided to meet k for dinner/early supper... den got abt 7 straight smses from ppl at DYL and who ever was ere... goes to Juan, Ave, Lin, Ben, Hambril, Ros, Joel(i tink tats all)... haha... den got to know they were at raffles place... so went to meet them before meetin k... haha...

oh yea, before i left rehearsals, the peeps at TAPAC were like singing happy birthday song... after ed held onto my hands before i left... so goes out to eddy, fared, affan, ducky, citra, shireen, najib, isham, suf... did i miss out anyone else? after meetin the peeps at raffles place, got another song from them... haha... whee... den went down to meet k... went to eat at lau pa sat... she didnt really want to eat... so oh well, had satay... sent her till her mrt station... ere, we kinda hung ard the station till the announcement told me i had to get my ass on the train before i missed the last train to punggol...

so, in between that, i guess, well... i dunno how to say it... i guess i fall one less than the number of times i get up... well, it wasnt tat bad of a fall... had loads of cushions and paddings to fall on... she broke my heart gently... and i thank her for that... i guess tis was my most gentle fall i ever took... so we're jus friends then... and yea, i do fall easily... but i get up quite well too... and it will pass... tis wld be the last entry before i close my teenage years and another chapter of repetitive history...

and yea, i really dun noe if i'm looking for a serious relationship... i guess i'm not looking.. if it happens, it happens... if not, i'll continue life... but i guess life brings me another path... i got NS to do in a few mths... den might be stayin out in florida for a few years... so, sumtimes, i really dun know... i guess i'll jus go with the flow and take things as it happens...

so, well, we said out goodbyes... i guess it was the best goodbye i ever said... i dunno... it was jus filled with bitter sweetness... never haf i felt happy yet sad at sayin goodbye... well, maybe when my parents left for their pilgrimage... eh no... i was filled more with sadness... though along the train, i only replayed the goodbye... can i say i dun remember any of the words u said, jus the emotional whirlpool i felt... and tat goodbye... lets see how it turns out in the end... well, i guess it will never change how i feel... well, maybe it will... haha... well, i can look back and say, my 20th birthday was a blast!!!

and even though i got no prezzzies... i guess, i did get a great bdae present from ya... i guess how i survive, is tat i cld never remember the negative... cos all tat fills my mind and pushes the negative away is the one positive thing... wer'e still friends... and well, the hug... so 2 things...

and the song tourniquet helped a bit... but i'm okie now... wheee... i still say i had a blast yesterday...

so to everyone, Lin(haf to put u first la eh... for all tat we've been thru), ducky(meetin me durin rehearsals, minus the fact she's supposed to be ere), ave(i dunno wat to say actually), ben(for his guitar playing ability while everyone else sang the bdae song), joel(he gave me a bit of his ice cream), ros & hambril(for bein my fans of the photos i took), juan, fairoz(i tink tats how u spell his name), shireen(for bein my fav SM of all time), citra, najib, eddy, isham, fared, suf(the easily kancheong-ed guy), farah & dayana(who are hardly separated), sri(whom we shout at almost every time we see each other and laugh it out loud), lester, (the sumtimes weird ass guy who joins us), amin(for the prank we pulled on him jus before we left).... and lastly, k... who brought me on a roller coaster ride of my life and lookin foward to more roller coaser rides... as long as she doesnt break any more things... *grins*

and those i may haf forgotten in sum ways... ohhh... wait... and benita(dunno for wat la, but she's been very nice to me all along)... heh... and whom i'll be spending 2 weeks with in cambodia... along wif another 20 other ppl i tink... or was it jus 19? oh well... wheee... so i close my teenagehood....

memoirs of vanilla coke

2005-03-25T23:03:00.000+08:00

for sumone who really wants to forget abt it, i sure cant hold my word to it... in the end, as much as i dun want to care, i still do... i still worry tat sumthin might happen... i dunno... me suppposedly being the liberal one, i sure worry abt you... though i may say have fun, deep inside i pary nuthin happens to ya... i dunno, i'll say i wont interfere with your choices, but sumtimes i ponder abt the wat ifs... and wld i really regret being so liberal... my parents gave me that faith... and todae i learn how hard it must have been for them to let me go... for all tat i've done, i'm still okie... i guess, itz the protectiveness you feel for sumone... and i guess i never felt like this for anyone, till tonite... maybe i'm jus gettin older... haha... but really, the malay show i was watching wasnt really helping to ease me... lets jus put it, a lot of shite happens to the two characters... sighs... okie fine, so i cant forget abt her... nor do i want to... cos well, i dunno... i guess i still like her... so k, if u do read tis, pretend u didnt cos i wont really tell u i haf a blog... unless u ask... haha... sighs...

i guess i've fallen again... i guess when u called in the afternoon, everything was sealed when u called... okie... haha... now i'm typin as u run for ur bus and hearing the wind blow... and so, lin's final words last nite did finally make sense... haha... i guess i got my sanity back... and i kinda feel refreshed... haha... i got to be in skol at 9 tomz... and wat? spend my bdae in skol and at rehearsals... sighs... quite depresssing...

todae was my first whole day at home... quite liberating le to jus be in ur room and do nuthing except sound and edit photos.. haha... wheee... well, i guess will haf to sleep now to wake up early tomz... or maybe not... sumthin else i need to do....

fcuking carebear

2005-03-24T21:37:00.000+08:00

sumtimes i jus get tired of bein a freaking carebear... being one only sucks you of energy and makes u pissed off if u keep hearing the same thing over and over... y cant i jus stop it? i dunno, maybe cos i was born with the carebear syndrome... and sumtimes, u dun really want to hear of things... maybe cos i'm a good listener, accordin to one... but wat else can i do?? i dunno, i'm jus feelin drained... and nuthin to charge me up.. sure, tuesday was sumthin... and sunday... but i tink, tues drained me more than it did on sunday... sighs... i dunno... oh well... farggit...

sumtimes i really dun want to hear abt how u haf a crush on sumone else... esp when i feel the same way for you... sumtimes, i dun want to noe ur probs with ur crush... cos i haf to put up a front... a front to tell u to try and work things out... a front to try and make u think otherwise... a front which i sumtimes do out of duty cos i haf to no rite to destroy anythin... except myself...

i tink i'm burnt out already... itz not the stress, itz jus physical exhaustion.. to the point where i jus dun gif a shit abt wat ppl tink of me as procrastinate and delay their work... as for tis week, i cant wait for it to all end... and start production week where itz much more fun... and mutu's project will be completed(4 man job is quite a stressful thing when u handle it all alone)... no point gettin angry at my grpmates for not comin... itz already skol's end... jus take the credit for wat u did... so now, i suck... i tink we shld jus be like another liza and me... cos i guess i shld jus forget abt it... cos i dun really want to go out too often as friends... cos i already told you my stand...

i find the weirdness fascinating

2005-03-22T00:25:00.000+08:00

hmmmmmm...

jus a gentle reminders, pls dun be confused wif the 2 liz in my life....
went to siloso beach to catch the loads of performances ere... went to lyz's place to pick her and the cake up... den went for a bit of a detour since i took a wrong turn sumwhere along the cte/aye/pie.... ended back at south buona vista road b4 finding my way back... called lin but she didnt pick up.... so was on my way there... well, one side had a gig, and the other had a beach soccer tourney goin on... whee... was happily camera triggering... since jus bought a 1gig memory card... so had loads of pics tat i cld take... in large formats... wheee.... so there i was clicking away without thinking if i will run out of memory card or not la... den met ave ere first... so was ere taking pics of the bands and any other distractions... whoopeee... met jingxi ere... well, she called out my name as i walked past her and i was like... crap... who's tat... haha... but luckily i remembered a pic we took together... then was like, hey jing xi... haha... phew... paiseh sia not rememberin ur friends from a few years back... so in between, met kevin and khai... hmmm... the 2 new ppl i noe has the names startin wif k... ok den... haha... sheesh... and guess wat, they both used my camera... kevin was takin a few shots... den lent it to khai... well, was skankin sumwhere at the back... i noe i'm off beat to the song... but after 3 songs, i was doin fine... den khai comes to me to say, sumthin wrong... sighs... the dam shutter wont open... oh well... so went to the outskirts of the beach with her take out the lens and see the insides of the body... hmmm... sounded wrong... haha.. so yea, tats when i realised the shutter wont open, even if i set it to sensor clean mode... so dam... cldn't take the pic of BA and LT... though i got a few before hambril took a bad fall... den, well, walked ard with khai to find for vanilla coke... went until the delifrance side... den went back since cldn't find it... in between saw an underaged flasher... den went to the side where u can rent canoes, before seeing it... haha... so like the 3rd person who gets high on vanilla coke... i forgot who was the 2nd, since the first is lin... haha... so ere i was, still emo wif my 'just got back from repairs' camera not functioning again...
though i noe itz not her fault since her last image was tis overexposed image... so no knocks ere... haiyo... oh well, i guess it was for the better the camera was spoilt... i dunno how the world works, but ere is always a silver lining behind every cloud... and i tink i saw and felt tat silver lining... so, i didnt feel too sad about the camera being spoilt... and watever it may be, i hope it wont magnify the sadness later on... just as every cloud has its silver lining, supressed emotions tend to erupt... haha... woah, gettin philosophical ere... hahahhahaha... hmmmm... wheeee... den went for sum sheesha at ktm wif the rest... abt 10 of us.... 2 pipes... basically, me, ave, kc & jamie shared one pipe, the rest shared the other... arrghhh... my brains stopped working the moment my camera stopped working... but the heart still works, so i haf hope for my camera and me... mauhahahhaha... dunno wat i'm really sayin, but actually, i really noe wat i'm saying... hmmmmm

wheee... cant wait for todae... like tuesday the 22nd... wheee... sending my camera for repairs... nuts... being happey as u send ur camera... haha... which means, i'll get back my camera anyways... muahahahhaha.... and a few other events slotted in between... like meetin uncle mutu for my surround sound... and falling into a pit of the unknown too... hopefully it has paddings at the bottom... dun want to be smashed to pieces...

we wonder y

2005-03-17T14:41:00.000+08:00

arrghhhhhh... been very busy with rehearsals & skol work... so basically my life is wake up, go to skol, den go for reahearsals den go home to sleep... sighs... whee... cant wait for sunday... namely, most of the bands i'm close with is playin under one sun at siloso beach... i tink might need to get extra memory card... haha... sighs... in between the train rides, i've been transferring my prose/poem from my capalang book to my poem book... tis wld be my third one, after losing the first two... oh well...

i've been quite moody for the past few days... dunno y... tink itz cos of the loose gum at my right wisdom tooth... as in, i can feel a cut....sighs...

i dunno how liz does it, but, the 3 times she called for lunch, i'm either on my way to sumwhere else or i'm at home... sighs...

den havent let the other lyza treat me yet... haha... since i'm like tis the whole week... was like supposed to take her treat a few weeks back already... basically i haf drained my social life... havent been out wif any of ma fwens yet... since, since a long time already...

last few days in skol and i dun feel like goin to skol anymore... sighs... i dunno wat to do actually.... i feel jus like staying at home the whole day... not coming out of my room... but alas, i have to... goin to skol to play soccer, take my camera, take photos for Hi Club, recharge battery, take photos of bands.... so whole day in sentosa i see... whee...

i cant seem to be bothered abt skol anymore sumhow...

i'm in no (wo)man's land

2005-03-06T20:48:00.000+08:00

wednesday
went for my first green shoot... for digi effects... got samantha to act as our talent... tis gal wrapped in a cocoon(we jus used crepe paper)... den she frees herself and wals aways... quite simple la... den helped out as talents for amin's project... borrowed anna's camera... so quite cool!! den rushed to thumper... so had a warm nite there... though some ppl were a bit pissed off... i dunnno... den went to smoke sheesha again at KTM... which ended up wif me not sleepin the whole nite... so on thurs, went for my recording session... in the morning... dam stone la already... sri was a bit loose in the head too... so we were havin a shouting session(as usual) and spotting each others mistake and makin fun of it.. haha... so yea...

den on friday, didnt go for class... was too sleepy... even though i slept at abt 7 plus the nite before, i did woke up at 3.30am... did the media law thingy, den the CV thingy for my IS project.... den got abt 1 hour to spare, so went to my bed... den when the alarm started, at 7.30, i pressed the wrong button and it went to switch off the snooze function... den sumwhere along the way, it fell off my bed and got tangled in between the bed and my blanket... sri was callin me, didnt hear it... sighs... woke up abt 12 like tat... rushed to skol to do 5.1 surround mix and all... after tat, went for the YEP meetin... we all got together... go tmy new members... hanizah's in my grp... if u all dun remember her, go read my blog previously... haha... i tink abt 3rd october i tink.. 2003 or was it 2004? when i was in year 2, takin black and white... when ever tat was... if i even blogged abt it... okie la my new grp members... though benita not in my grp, if not, surely crazy one... oops... i noe she might be readin tis... haha... lets jus put it as, tis is almost like a fms project... wif abt more than half the ppl from fms(well, mass comm la, me bein the only fsv guy)... so, well, charlene's been nice... the only one who response to sms-es... sighs... i'll admit... i cant fit the face to names... haha...i dn haf a mental picture of abt 3 of my grp members... i can only match kailin, sarah(though i kinda mix up her's and yu xin face(a previous team member) & niz ... how pathetic?? and i can match a kind of face of serene... sighs... okie, i'll admit it, i cant link the guy's faces... though kinda can match eddy... i guess... hope itz gonna be quite happening... wonders may happen...

saturday
went for a dam early morning shoot... den went to tapac for rehearsals... my first rehearsals in a long time.. been very slack... so must buck up... sighs... den went to college rock fest... sadly, i didnt haf the mood to take pictures... dun ask me y... i jus didnt... oh yeah, how cld i forget... i got my precious baby back!!! got it back from repairs... whee... so now, i havent used it till abt the show was gonna end... den took it out and started shooting... in between, went to eat wif lin at bk... i tink i saw one fo my classmate in IS... err, the one who speaks wifout an asian accent... i tink so la... den along the way, kinda saw fazliana(i tink tats how u spell her name...) but i called out shikeen,which of course she didnt turn... den i was like, eh, wait, she's not shikeen... haha... oh well... den went back to catch documentary in amber... and the last band... it was a mix of different mucisians from NUS i tink... cos they kept rotating the mucisians... den i went straight home cos was too tired... sunday, another morning shoot... the only thing i dun like abt tis grp's shoot is the lack of welfare... sure, leon/lyon was quite nice, in treating me... haha... but like, wat the???? no food in the ungodly hours, at least none tat most of the crew liked... at least got mineral water... not tat i drank much la... i'm gettin sumthin back... so the job was made less frustrating... sighs... hot weather, den rain, den hot, den rain... was at lower pierce la.. chatted wif one of the talents... felt bad cos she was sittin all alone, and i was sittin nearest to her... she designs gowns... has her own company... cool shite... den went to meet zak and ducky for a while... she wasn't in the best of moods... ate ramly burger... zak got tis new flavoured twisties called fizz... i dunno.. if i haf to describe the taste, it wld haf to be in between detergent wif sugar and fizz... we ate abt 3 pieces each before we jus threw it away... god, wat were they thinking??!!
tomz wld mark the last day i go out wif L(unless she asks me out again)... will stop seeing and goin out after class wif ppl's gf... haha... esp if u like her and she seems to like u... but we cant really do anythin abt it... haha... i mean, rite me if i'm wrong, but tellin ur bf u're goin out wif a gal when u're out wif me aint really ur idea of not likin me... haha... and a few other stuff... either she feels dam comfy wif me or wat... but like lin says, how long haf u known her... and if u dun count the days we dun meet, itz less than 2 weeks... haha... arrghhh... i still cant let go... tried... theoratically it works when i'm not in her presence... haha... practically, well, we all know that practically, nuthin is the same... sighs...oh well...

oh yea

2005-03-01T23:18:00.000+08:00

remembered another part of the conversation... haha....

it was on the topic of y caucasians men like tanned gals and asian generally prefer fair skin... it went sumthin like tis...

in asian context, they work outside for long hours... so a fair skin person means he/she dun work in the sun... which means he might be living comfortably... but to the western part, if u dun work, and live comfortably, u go tanning... so naturally the tanned gals dun really work... 2 different side of the world, two different mindset...

haha... anyways, i tink ere's sumthin wrong wif me... i got high on monday and only got my hang over on tuesday...sumthin seriously wrong wif me... either tat, or my body takes a longer time to absorb wat ever it is tat makes u high and only let the reaction kick in the next day... sighs...

so went to harbourfront wif liza... i went to sent my camera for repairs while she went to meet her bf... the canon lady said it shld be ready within a week to 2... yeay!!!

i was a bit high on tat day... den went home and watched tis malay show and i cried... and i only watched the ending... haha... haiz... emo me...

den tues, was kinda early for class... by my standards at least... haha... but was havin a hangover in class... haha... shite... and to tink i was okie durin the ride to skol... so den me, sri and ana slacked at coffee bean at 5th Avenue... bla bla bla, met justin at his workplace... den watched a weird kick ass movie... kinda... jus watched the 2nd half of it... den i went home... slacked at home till abt 9 plus... den left for ave's place to collect her camera...realised her place was near dila's place, so sent her an sms... den her dad gave me an explanation on how to use the camera... den after i started my engine, dila replied back...i asked if she wanted to go for supper... she got an exam... so oh well, the ride will have to wait longer... haha... till the next time yea gal...

in between screwdriver and shirley temple

2005-02-27T22:06:00.000+08:00

went for j's shoot... quite alrite... had a post shoot party... j was makin drinks for everyone... god knows wat i had... was sipping everyone's drinks.. so i was drink hopping from martinis to tequilas to whisky to gin and tonic to melon liquer to screwdrivers to cranberry bacardi... did haf vodka since had it two days ago at joel's house... so i had two glasses of the melon liquer wif sprite, and one cranberry bacardi... still dun like it bitter.... tried snowball too... but not so nice... i'm still sober...can walk straight and all... tried a sip of a shot(i tink it was mexican tequila or martini...) but too bitter for me... haha... so oh well, now i'm home...

learnt tat asians are not tat tolerant of the wheat substance... so tats y our faces get red easier than caucasians... since their diet is based on wheat, while ours is rice... discussed abt arabian gals, den went to a bit of religion, den eunuch to androgyny... den to a bit of malay gal sayin sumthin and doin a whole different thing, figures... haha... quite interesting la...

had pizzas and potato chips, and bee hoon... i jus realised tat todae i drank a bit of sprite, a cup of coffee, and the rest, jus drinks made by j...

i noe i wanted to write loads of stuff on my way home... but kinda forgot abt it... sighs... oh well, shall write it down as i remember them... oh well, tomz, might be eatin pringles... haha...

photographs....
wat do they mean... sure they mean different things to different people, but to me, itz a cut out slice of reality... sumthin which will never happen again, is captured by photography(writing using light)... so sure, arguments will say itz not a real experience, but a fake one since we do not experience everything, i see it more as a memorabilia, sumthin which i did, sumthin which i will not remember every details since i'm too engrossed in my own world of being... it brings me back to an objective view of events as it happens... sure, we can always distort the picture, but wat u remember of the picture is most important...

thank god i'm not allergic to every mushroom... ate button mushrooms jus now, jus for the hell of learning if i'm allergic to all mushrooms, and so it seems i'm not... well, at least i'm not vomitting a few hours later... phew... haha...

flooding through the floodgates

2005-02-26T00:33:00.000+08:00

came late for my media law lecture... haiz... shld get up earlier the next time... got back my result... woo hoooooo... got 28/40... not a lot la, but considerin a lot failed, quite good le... haha...

my digi slr's autofocus died on me on wednesday... so sad... i dreamt tat it suddenly cld work after me tryin it... den woke up to watch chelsea against barca... quite fun la the second half... seein chelsea bein bombarded like siao... never seen a game so dominated... esp if they are both good teams...

got a shoot later on sat... so must wake up early... not much to say... been in emo/angsty mood for the past few days... sighs... but never got down to writing it... i dunno... things haf started to evolve... may not really be for the better... dangerous liasons... though not as if anythin happened...
so wats the point... i'm stuck in a life where i do crazy stuff... thing i never tot i will do when i was younger... noe how ur perception changes as u grow...

how innocent we all were... accidentally saying words we dun mean, the other person taking it the wrong way...den shit happens... sure, it happens even till we grow up... but sumtimes, we wonder how come we lose a friend's trust jus once, and some jus won't let go of that hatred, no matter how minute and how it doesn't really matter in ut life... yet, speakin or hearing the name of the person conjures images of unknown or minute reason for hatred, yet the feeling of hate grows wifout reason, fueled by the reason tat we jus hate that person... soon it becomes like the capulets and montagues... fighting over a sumthin they know not of....

sheeshed

2005-02-20T12:46:00.000+08:00

friday - 18th feb
went to skol late... cldn't wake up from all the late nites tat i had... went to watch the chingay preview... whee... since i was gonna play soccer on sat, i jus watched the preview... all i can say is tat i dun mind the commercialism.. i mean, quite fun la to see stuff on floats... wat i cldn't stand was the performance in which on the 'seated guest' gets to see... and everyone else was jus watchin ... and itz not even full for the preview... might as well jus open up wat... and how the hell are we supposed to get the tickets anyway?? so anyways, i tink i had a tiny lil crush on one of the cheerleaders rite in front of me... haha... oh well... didn't bother to do anythin... though ere was tis one chance... haha... i was in a not really bothered mood... before tat, was in a pissed off at sumthin mood... ate wif sri and ian... den got better... so anyways, god knows when i'm goin to edit the pictures... haha... i'm still piling up on unedited pictures... arrghhhhhh... ere's the inhabitants, week 3 of live and loud at thumper, the NUS international day, now chingay... tats like wat? 900 pictures or more... still unedited... haiz...

sat...19th feb
went to skol for a meetin... den went to TAPAC to show my sound bites for the production of mentah... went to play soccer after that... whee... though lost like 6/5 - 2, i kinda am okie wif the game... though i jus realised i didnt save any direct shot on goal, which kinda sucks... and i mean the nice shots on goal... like sum rollin ball dun count la... they either shoot over the bar or jus wack rite in front of goal... got knocked down for a few minutes as i was stretching to catch one cross... haha... now my neck hurts... haha... okie la... 2 goals, i got my feet to touch the ball before it entered the goal... not enuff stretch ere... and a bit slow on reaction time... i was playin on a team wif abt 8 players over 30... and started the game wif only 9 men... i was the youngest,... and the next age was abt 24 or 25... and it progresses up... so i tink ere was like only 3-4 players under 28... and we palyed against a bunch of 20 plus guys who runs like crazy... though the goalie on the other side didnt save any shot directed at him... he only caught rolling balls... oh well...

so todae read a friend of 8mth's blog... our sms to each other dwindled to once or twice each mth,... when it used to be sms everydae... and how we never met anymore... i guess i didnt haf recordings anymore on friday nite... and how u always tell me no need and stuff and how i always tell u itz okie since i'll be on my way... i guess i cldn't make any more excuse to meet ya after ur work... i dunno, well, i'll admit... itz not really on the way... but itz nice to haf company from ur skol to woodlands(wif sri and the rest of comic strip members who live in the north)... and from woodlands to sengkang... and since i stopped recordings, i dunno, always goin home early... never stayin late at nite in skol... ere were times when i tot of meetin ya after work... i dunno... well, u noe how we always sms each other... and either one of us will sms the other... i dunno... after the singapore idol nite, i tried to continue smsing... but u never initiated it anymore like u used to... den, well, things start to change from tat day onwards... miscomm i guess, but u noe how sumtimes innocent actions can be read as subtle-ties... like when u dun msg anymore, i take it ppl dun really want to sms anymore... communication is a two way process... once it becomes one way, i guess, itz on the verge of breakdown... and i dun mean not replying... one way refers to not initiating...

haha... now tat i said these, lets go on a side track story... haha...
u noe how sumtimes, when u start everything, and the other person dun help in makin decisions... it starts to get irritating... unless u are the type of person who likes to control everything and dominate everything... den itz one way... i mean, if u live alone, den fine by me... but if u must interact wif another person, one way stuff will only lead to irritation... either by the initiator or the agree-er...

so back to the main story...
i guess itz nice to read tat sumone still remembers ya... *sentimental me comin rite up* and itz nice to read abt urself... hahaha... i guess i never really said u were great company... well, maybe i did say it... but jus in case i didnt... and we got along fine wif each other's quirks... haha... at least i got along fine wif urs... and how we sumhow cld guess wat the other person thinks... or so we claim... haha... oh yea, and u're not fat... *since i'm online, itz safer to say tis*, u're not fat... not yet at least... hahaha... and do remember, if u tink u're fat, den i'm huge... hope ya haven't been too mean to ppl... *grins*(havent used *grins* for a long time... till recently)....

waitin for a heart scan

2005-02-17T23:45:00.000+08:00

thursday - 17.2.05

went for my medical check up jus now again... in the end, i jus collected another referal letter to go to alexandra hospital to go for a sumthin called 2-D echo scan i tink... sum deviation thingy abt the heart... haiz... oh well, so tat means, i get deferred for a bit longer cos the appointment is on the 28th of april... oh well, so went home after that to sleep!!! since i lacked it... den woke up to go to NUS for ave's show... met lin at buona vista first... den we boarded the wrong bus(kind of... it brought us to the place... jus tat we had to travel longer...) watched the show... den as i was startin to take pictures, guy from NUS's video and photograpghy committee, kevin, asked if i was coverin the event too and if i'll be stayin longer... oh well, so my pics will go to them too... whee... ate chicken sandwich at tis place at yusoff hall or sumthin like tat... forgot the place's name...

arrggghhh... i guess i will jus be friends wif liza... after monday's incident, i guess, i dunno... if ppl cant get over others first, den no use... arrghhh....

tis dun really speak abt her but in general, if ppl cant get over anythin/anyone yet, and they try to fil up that void with another thing/person, sumwhere along the way, the large void tat was covered will be converted to pain... intense unadulterated pain... one day or the other... i dunno... i guess for me, sure, i do tat all the time... but the main thing was that nuthin intense was felt because nothin intense was shared in the first place... so sum exceptions here...

i dunno, i guess my title for todae is quite apt... both literally and metaphorically... i guess i need to do a heart scan... even if itz the 2D echo... learn how the heart works... or at least how my heart works... i'm sure i'll see loads of gaps and torn pieces, sum chewed up but not tearin yet... yet, ever healing, ever pumping blood through the veins... ever pumping love through the body...

post V recordings

2005-02-15T17:19:00.000+08:00

before thumper started, went to watch racing stripes wif lin... so caught the 5 plus show... so tat we can make it for the gig later... after the show, went straight to thumper... den wanted to eat first... den heard sum bands playing... so she called ros to ask if it was them or not... entered thumper in the end and ate later... fat skunks were really good!! ate at antolio(or was it antonia?)... so anyways, had late supper as usual... (the first of many no sleep nites)... went to KTM to smoke sheesha... had the lime and apple mint tat nite... can i say i was kinda lovin the high feeling?? the one u get after u smoked it and leave it in ur lungs and a few seconds later, ur head feels heavy... and den suddenly it feels light... yea... it was great... however damaging it was to my body... haha...

so the next day, went to duck's house... before meetin azim to go to johore... drove to her house...ate rice, ayam masak merah(chicken cooked in red... haha... dumb translation... chicken cooked in chili rather) and the oyster mushrooms... aarrghhhh.... i jus learnt i'm allergic to tat mushrooms... though i was eatin them since i was young... den i stopped... and now, i'm allergic to it.. ma stomach jus cant digest them... so it pukes them out... after 3 to 4 hours of eating them... haiz.... so drove to malaysia... den when we reached malaysia, or rather the eatin place, i got the same feelin tat i got when i was jus abt to puke...(which was not long ago).... so i went to spend quality time with the toilet bowl and we became quite good friends... while duck and azim were eatin, i was throwing up on all the food... strange thing is tat, i only saw the rice... didnt see the chicken le... do we digest chicken faster than rice? haha... so anyways, yea, didnt get to smoke sheesha at malaysia... meet rudy and her family at the eatin place while i was abt to puke... had time to chat wif her for a while... before rushing to go to the loo... so basically i wasted my trip to malaysia... haiz.... den went to beats merchant studios(i tink tats the name)... went to take photos for Rafe... met endra ere... havent seen tat guy for a long time... so after the photo shoot... ate a bit at al majlis... den went to juan's place since i had skol the next day at 9 and awie was stayin over too.. so jus bunked ere too... they didn't sleep till abt 5 or 6 am... i slept at abt 4 am...den woke up and edited a bit of the photos... den slept back...

woke at abt 8.30... went to heng han's class... so den was like dammm sleepy all thru his class... den went to mix i tink... yea, we kinda mixed the song... though i dun remember tat session... haha... so went home... slept early... woke up at 10am... cldn't sleep longer for sum weird reason... den chatted wif lyza till we both had to leave for our respective gig tat we had to attend... turns out, i left my home abt 3.30 ...haha... she left abt 2.45 like tat... god knows what i was doin tat kept me from goin tat early... woots... turns out, i had to do the sound... i must say... was really not expecting to get such a nice opportunity... though could haf done better if i had more time... since i came late... if i knew earlier, wld haf come earlier to do more stuff, and a bit more properly... it was a haphazard work by my standards... so ere i was, doin sound for DYL's Inhabitant... my cables were jus running all over, sikit tak handsome... haha... had jus enuff cables and channels since my mixer got sumthin wrong... so only one mixer was available... started the sound check late... dam paiseh la... so anyways, had a very good floor crew... ROS, KC, MUDZ... thanks to joel for takin over me for the sound check while i go eat my dinner... in which i didn't noe he was supposed to help me till a bit later... haha... so anyways, the show went quite well... minus few feedback while trying to get the vocals to be heard... sorrie goes out to lin... accidentally & unconsciously turning the highs all the way down... and i swear i dun even remember turining it down, especially when it was okie jus before she started singing... haiz... i was mesmerised by arpee's singing... forgot wats her name... haha... quite nice le... anyways, said hi to benita(or was it bonita)... she only remembered me as meetin at thumper... minus the fact i met her like a few days ago, on new year's eve... and to tink i was sittin next to her durin the meetin for the cambodia trip briefing... didnt really tot it was her until she shouted mass comm durin the show... and i was like, tat has to be her.... the DYL crew went crazy after the gig... started singing on our own and wat else it was... so went to fong seng(is tat how u spell it???)... but it was full, so went to south buona vista instead... stayed ere till abt 4plus am again... so lack of sleep a big issue here...

on sunday, went to print the poster at the last minute for DPM... finally managed to find a place at peninsular shopping centre... opp penin plaza... tried to find a nice pink box and white ribbon... didnt find the pink box though... but bought a purple envelope and patterned paper... lilac i tink.. den went to develop sum pictures.... so den went to ben's place to watch the DYL videos... had pizzas after tat... while the guys watched soccer... man U Vs Man city... and ate pizzas... i had too much.... six slices of the large pizzas... den left early so tat can pick up my last time baby sitter... ma parent's comin back tat nite... or rather at abt 6 am... since her sis was comin back at abt 3 plus, i promised her tat i'll pick her up at 2.30 am la... haha... turns out i woke up at 2.30 am... so yea, a bit late... hee... when i reached my house, my parents called me to say tat they are already at the airport and haf exited the gate... and tat was like 3 am... and so yea, went to the airport... thankful tat i did pick up my baby sitter... so yea... had sum trouble fitting everythin into the car... since it was damm full anyway... so drove home as i was stoned... cldn't take it sia...

woke up a bit late for class... did my presentation and den went to find books on live sound in the library since was meetin liza ere anyways... since she was doin work wif sharifah, didnt want to disturb them... so stayed up at the 5th storey to read abt live sound and watever book ere was... found it... whee... so den, went for class... and den went to west coast to eat the rojak ere... after that, we went to suntec to buy a journal for herself... a pink one wif a large heart stickin out from the cover... den sent her home... turns out it was abt 6 plus... and tot of goin home... den tot abt the jam... didnt want to be stuck in a jam and spend v nite wif the road... so decided to msg lyza and asked her if she wanted to haf dinner... so picked her up at her house... den went to far east to eat dinner... got lost while trying to get to her house... haha... havin had enuff experience wif ppl who say left and points to the right, i kept askin her if she was sure itz left or right... hahaha.. so yea, talked loads of crap as she put it... and all these while we were eatin... haha... and these were all unconventional topic at the wrong places... like talkin abt pukin and stuff while eatin and askin out loud y do minahs want to be minahs jus after we walked past a few of them... sheesh... den she wanted to eat ice cream after tat... so went down and she paused to think if itz gonna make her fat or not... bein the nice guy tat i was, i dragged her to the ice cream stall... haf a tendency to make ppl eat sumthin tat they want but wanna keep a watch on their 'weight'... not as if they are fat or anythin... haha... so had ice cream... den sat in front of tangs and people watch... den she saw shida and shouted her name... but only the guy looked back, wonderin who called shida's name... den we continued... she den said sumthin abt tis guy havin nice hair... so i said lets go to haf a closer look... dun ask me y, i jus felt like doin tat... haha... den as we were behind them, she said(albeit a bit too loud) the guy wearing the guitar... the guy didnt turned around thoug... haha... went home... haha... the longest time i ever spent in a roundabout... we like circled it twice before we exited since she didnt noe which exit.... and neither did i... haha... in the end, got the right one... haha... so yea... on my drive back, saw a 3 vehicle collision... missed it la... but saw the after math...

today, missed my media law lecturer cos didnt bother to get out from my bed... i was awake at 6.30 already... den i was like, freak it la... and went back to sleep... so only went for the tutorial...

i tot wrong

2005-02-07T21:11:00.000+08:00

i dunno... i still dun feel good even after i blog it out...i dunno... i tink i really like her... wat ever tat we went thru... i dunno... i like her... ere i said it... i liked her... i like her... however i shldn't... i like her... i dunno... i still do... and yet, itz gonna end sum day soon... like in 2 mth's time... den i wldn't see her anymore... unless she initiates it... cos i'll be filled wif my new life in the boy's school... and den it will jus be another episode in my life..... jus another chapter... distillled by my mind and my photographs... i guess tat y photos to me are very important... they distill a part of ur memory so tat u will never forget... they capture wats essential abt tat person.... sumthin to trigger memories... sure, pictures mean nuthin to one person and the world to another.... it is not wat u see... it is wat u have seen...

dammit... sumtimes we hear stories of husband snatchers... i finally begin to understand them... haiz... but i dunno... we're friends... we're jus friends.. i'm jus goin out wif a fwen... jus like goin out wif duck and all the other fwens who are gals... the only diff is tat i like her... i still do... two months i tried to talk myself into not likin her... these past two months haf failed... actually it kinda did work... den like suddenly she msges me to ask me out... and everythin jus fell apart...

i feel better already...

u cant choose who u fall for or how deeply u fall

2005-02-07T20:15:00.000+08:00

wat ever it is, i sumtimes wonder to myself... oh well, anyways... history first... present later...

so, took the freakin media law test... haha.. i guess i cld pass it... yeay... thanks AVE!!!! won't haf passed it wifout ur help... hee... so anyways, den rushed home to finish editing the pictures... esp wif ben being extra gabra... tink he called me and msg me a few times to ask abt the photos... haha... trust me ben, i dun break a promise i make... or rather dun make a promise i dun tink i cld keep... haha... so anyways, rushed like siao to finish the pictures... and den... so on friday, rushed to the far east shopping centre to pass the people my edited pictures... first i went ere... so fine... itz still lunch time... so i take it they were out for lunch... bla bla bla... abt 2:10, went back up... and still no one... so called the 'urgent matter' number and den so i talked to tis friendly lady... who told me they are closed todae... and i was like... WTF??!!! u rush me to finsh the dammmnnn pictures... and now u tell me itz closed... okie, i didnt screamed at the lady since she's an innocent party... i mean, okie, if u jus want to rush me... i dun mind... but rush me and den when i'm done, u're not at the rendezvous point...okie, if u're late, i still can tolerate... but not being ere at all and only collectin it a few days later???!!! might as well tell me jus pass them on sat or sunday or stuff...so tat makes me pissed off pronto... after being ramned by a taxi(which was my fault since for a fleeting moment, i cldn't see which lane i was due and went half into his lane... tat 1 i admit was my fault...) so oh well, went to skol to do my specialist project... okies la... didnt do much.... forgot wat i did even... so oh well... anyways...spent the whole of my saturday at home... i dunno... exploring photoshop...

sunday... so went to collect the poster from lin... drove to her ULU house... dam... i tot my house was ulu... hers was even woah... and the winding road was crazy... shite man... had to drive really safely... it was like wat?? 8 sharp bends and all... n 8 is jus a underestimation... sure ere was more... so yea.. went home and opened the file.. and wat happens?? i get the smaller file... arrghhhhhhh.... oh well... haha... so went to try and make the poster quite nice nice... so finally, managed to complete in on monday when inspiration struck while i was half asleep....

so todae, drove to skol... since i finished the poster at abt 9 plus... den ivan called to tell me he is sick... so passed me the soft copy... reached class late... in the end, watched only 2 grps... present... missed the first one... oh well.... so anyways... den met up wif lwati for lunch... ate at canteen two... but met her at the library first... saw tis gal who was in tudung, so jus approached... den her footware was different, her bag was different, she didnt bring her normal water bottle... was abt to go past her when she looked up and it was her... haha... oh well, she borrowed sum books before we headed off to eat... den went for class... got tis new assignment... i was yawning all thru the class... nto tat the lecturer was teaching la... since we had to discuss the grp porject we jus got... everyone was feelin lethargic... (did i spell it correctly??? let me check...) yeay... itz correct... haha... anyways, den me and lwati went to east coast beach for abt an hour plus before we headed back to west coast to eat... so i dunno... wanted to eat the rojak but she didnt want to buy together and i didnt want to buy alone... haha... in the end we didnt buy it... den decided to buy it next monday... i was like, sure... den in the car, i realised tat next mondae is valentine's day... so asked la like isn't she goin out wif her bf.. she told me he's workin... so along the way home... i wondered to myself... wat the hell am i doing?? goin out wif an attached gal on valentine's day?? haiz...i dunno... i dunno anymore wat am i doin... sumtimes i wonder y do i fall for all these attached gals?? though i dunno they are attached... but y do i haf the courage to speak and ask gals out only to find they are attached... y cant i jus ask a girl out and she happens to be single? i really dunno... i guess, at least i'm comfortin myself and tellin myself i didnt ask her out next monday... she was the one who wanted to eat rojak next monday... but still... i guess i did tell her i was kinda uncomfy goin out wif an attached gal... or sumthin to tat effect... she did say she tells her bf tat she goes out wif a fwen.. jus never told him wif a guy... haiyo... i mean, as much as i didnt want her to keep secrets from him, i still am goin out wif her... not as if i'm not guilty either... but wat the hey... u make ur own decisions and i make mine... wrong or right... i dun haf anyone to explain to... except myself...

i dunno, i dun feel good yet at the same time, i feel good... itz like doin sumthin u're not supposed to.. yet enjoying it... haiz... sighs... sighs... sighs... at least i wont be wifout anythin to do on valentine's day... unless my parents comes back early... whee!!!!!!! i hope they do, yet at the same time, i hope they come back at nite... haiz... well, supposed to meet yati on friday...

arrghhh... tomz got media lecture at 8am... wah laio... how to wake up like tat... so used to awkin up at 11am or 12 noon... den next week's thurs, must go back toCPMB cos nee to re check my ecgor sumthin like dat... haiz... stilll hope i get to don the blue uniform...

tis was wat happened between sat and thumper

2005-02-03T13:18:00.000+08:00

i tried publishing it but the server for blogspot was down... so here it is....

went for the NUT thingy... met farah while we waited for abt 30 to 45 minutes for dayana... and her lil bro... kinda jus went ard in circles before finally deciding on KFC as out lunch... while we were there, joined by nezar, sri and ian... okie la.. the talk was okie... jus not my course i guess... since got loads of art work to be done... so, anyways, hopefully i get sent to the police instead of SAF or CD... childhood dream come true... haha... always wanted to be a policeman until i was in sec 1 and didnt join NPCC... there, i knew sumthin changed and i was introduced to the world of the stage and haf embraced it till now... so, besides tat, i really really want to go and be a policeman... jus a two year thingy is cool... at least i won't feel so miserable...

monday...
went to meet ivan for our DPM meeting... arrghhhh... so screwed up we are... den went for rehearsals... in between yati called... felt bad cos forgot tat i promised to send her sum sound stuff by yesterday... but she jus said she jus wanted to talk... strange... tis gal only calls me to tell me she need a favour... hahaha... so yea... talked to her a bit... she asked me out the next day... checked my "full" scheduled... so i guess i can fit meeting her in between 2pm till 11am the next day... hahaha... haiz... still havent stuudied for ma media law shite... well a bit la... reading wifout understanding doesn't count.... not understanding a word at all doesnt help much either...
tues...1.2.04
went to skol to do the CD project... in between received a msg tellin me she cldnt make it... sum accident happened in her skol and she got to haf a emergency meeting... so yea, didnt meet her... stayed in skol till abt 5 plus... i'm tellin u... mac and PC shld jus work hand in hand when it comes to protable hard disk... y cant we jus live in harmony and let the both platform read a common hard disk... such a bitch when u transferred in PC... den u go to a MAC and it tells u it dun understand the hard disk... i'm sure the makers went to the same skol and understood the same language... y cant they jus pass down tat knowledge to their computers???!!!
so yea... got pissed...
went to sengkang library after that... paid my fines... returned a few books... went home to watch any movie i had in my house... turns out it became the Coun of Monte Cristo... quite a story la... went to sleep on the couch cos was too lazy to go back to my room...

wednesday
i'm supposed to be goin to skol todae at 11.. so i guess will be driving there... since i was too lazy to go out earlier... so here i am... writing tis blog... not that ere is much left to say....

...
here i am
puring my heart onto these rooftops
just a ghotst
to the world
that exactly,
exactly what i need
from up here the city lights burn
like a thousand miles of fire
and i'm here to sing
this anthem
of our dying day
...
Anthem of our dying day
'story of the year'

things u shldn't do before an exam

2005-02-03T11:59:00.000+08:00

i vaguely remembered monday... even tuesday was a blur...oh, eh, erm... nvm... cant remember... so anyways, wednesday...

Wednesday - 2nd February
live and loud @ thumper was ON!!!
before tat, went to complete the surround project... well, at least itz kinda completed... den went to thumper... hang out wif the guys from DYL... as they did their sound check... i went to study outside.. den got Ave to gif me a revision for my test... so i guess i'm 3/4 prepared... haha
den went to eat at antolio or sumthin like tat... den i got myself a pair of ear plugs... whoo pee... though not so friendly la the ear plugs... den went for the gig... though it didn't start on time cos there was tis Aceh fund raising charity auction going on... so it only started at abt 11pm? yea, well, the auction was quite fun and laughter filled... irene ang was the emcee... or the auctioner... which ever u prefer... there were a few celebs... though didn't know till ben told me who's who... haha... damn i really bad at identifying celebrities... haha... so anyways, i'm still stoned.. so will talk more abt the gig later after my test at 2pm todae... anyways, wasn't really happy at my photos... esp wif only red light available... so quite crappy la... white balanced on blue... so it turns out nice wifout flash... but wif flash, it turns greenish... blue-ish... haiz... so anyways, angelina turned up at abt 10 plus... so yeay, got another photographer to cover me since i had to take people pictures... esp random strangers... so had to leave the gig scene to take the people... though i only started late.. like abt the last band den i got stoned and got brave enuff to ask those ppl... haha... so yea, took only a few... turns out these pictures is goin to be used for a press release thingy for thumper... quite a big thing for a small guy for me in a dark club... if tis turns out rite, woah... haha
so i hope photoshop will be my savior for the lack of light in my shots... anyways, gotta go for the test later todae... shite... hopefully i dun fail it... hahaha... i will pass it... yea rite, esp when i'm stoned still...

dun fall too deep in a shallow pool

2005-02-02T09:50:00.001+08:00

went for the NUT thingy... met farah while we waited for abt 30 to 45 minutes for dayana... and her lil bro... kinda jus went ard in circles before finally deciding on KFC as out lunch... while we were there, joined by nezar, sri and ian... okie la.. the talk was okie... jus not my course i guess... since got loads of art work to be done... so, anyways, hopefully i get sent to the police instead of SAF or CD... childhood dream come true... haha... always wanted to be a policeman until i was in sec 1 and didnt join NPCC... there, i knew sumthin changed and i was introduced to the world of the stage and haf embraced it till now... so, besides tat, i really really want to go and be a policeman... jus a two year thingy is cool... at least i won't feel so miserable...

monday...
went to meet ivan for our DPM meeting... arrghhhh... so screwed up we are... den went for rehearsals... in between yati called... felt bad cos forgot tat i promised to send her sum sound stuff by yesterday... but she jus said she jus wanted to talk... strange... tis gal only calls me to tell me she need a favour... hahaha... so yea... talked to her a bit... she asked me out the next day... checked my "full" scheduled... so i guess i can fit meeting her in between 2pm till 11am the next day... hahaha... haiz... still havent stuudied for ma media law shite... well a bit la... reading wifout understanding doesn't count.... not understanding a word at all doesnt help much either...
tues...1.2.04
went to skol to do the CD project... in between received a msg tellin me she cldnt make it... sum accident happened in her skol and she got to haf a emergency meeting... so yea, didnt meet her... stayed in skol till abt 5 plus... i'm tellin u... mac and PC shld jus work hand in hand when it comes to protable hard disk... y cant we jus live in harmony and let the both platform read a common hard disk... such a bitch when u transferred in PC... den u go to a MAC and it tells u it dun understand the hard disk... i'm sure the makers went to the same skol and understood the same language... y cant they jus pass down tat knowledge to their computers???!!!
so yea... got pissed...
went to sengkang library after that... paid my fines... returned a few books... went home to watch any movie i had in my house... turns out it became the Coun of Monte Cristo... quite a story la... went to sleep on the couch cos was too lazy to go back to my room...

wednesday
i'm supposed to be goin to skol todae at 11.. so i guess will be driving there... since i was too lazy to go out earlier... so here i am... writing tis blog... not that ere is much left to say....

...
here i am
puring my heart onto these rooftops
just a ghotst
to the world
that exactly,
exactly what i need
from up here the city lights burn
like a thousand miles of fire
and i'm here to sing
this anthem
of our dying day
...
Anthem of our dying day
'story of the year'

dun fall too deep in a shallow pool

2005-02-02T09:50:00.000+08:00

WWW.DOUBLEYELLOWLINE.ORG

2005-01-30T11:51:00.000+08:00

and check out tis site... WWW.DOUBLEYELLOWLINE.ORG.... anyways. the link is the heading of my previous post... jus in case u are wondering

THUMPER

2005-01-30T11:47:00.000+08:00

GUYS, ere a gig at thumper every wednesday nite... 18 and above... dress formal cos the crowd will be formal...if u guys/gals wanna go... starts at abt 9pmand ere abts... check out the link...okie, so the link is not ere yet, but check out ma photos... and angelina's photos too... u cant really tell the diff unless itz in black and white... LAUNCH is THIS WEDNESDAY!!!

life is full but empty, long yet short

2005-01-30T11:10:00.000+08:00

hmmmm, the last one was at the memorial.. so lets see... i dun really remembered wat happened... hmmm... been all rite... us havent done the laundry... haha... havent washed any of the clothes... but dun worry, i havent worn the same clothes twice...err, maybe i did, haha... oops... oh yea, did a recording on friday or sumthin like tat... or was it thurs?? bah, i cant remember... anyways, on friday, i did sumthin... i jus cant remember it... shite... den spent the whole of the sat at home i tink... jus cldn't get up from bed... woke up at only abt 1pm... well, in between, i jus cldn't get up... den on sundae, picked up duck and zak to go to ma house... she loved my dad's car... anyways, went to simpang bedok to eat... the darn indian guys took like abt 30 min to cook the dam pratas and murtabak... though itz more of they actually forgot abt it... haha... so anyways, den let duck drive my car home... so yea... she tried to study... while me and zak were messing up my room as we were unpacking stuff which were in my room and needed sorting... den he had to leave for his sis's bdae... so went to NTUC to get sum stuff and tried our(me &duck) hands at cooking... haha... got like minced meat to make meatballs... dne the cendawan... or oyster mushroom.. got a choc bar in which i still havent open till now... haha.. so yea, den went to try cookin and watch the match later on... s'pore and indon... cldn't get the tickets, tats like y we're stucked at home... so we had a few loud arguments in the kitchen since we both didnt really want to get hot oil on our bodies and stuff... haha... den had to call sri on how much water to put into the rice cooker... hahaha... so in the end, we did manage an edible food... haha... in between running to the tv and cooking, we did quite okie... haha... we had prawns, chicken, meat balls, fried rice... (forgot to fry the mushrooms)... den after the match, she drove herself home... and at least she was feelin a lil better... haha... practically smiling, nay, beaming after drivin ma dad's car... haha...

on monday, drove to skol since i was late for class... even tat, i went on the wrong way of the TPE... so ended up goin back to pasir ris instead of the CTE.. haiz... oh well, den met up wif liz for lunch...oh yea, we kinda screwed up lionel's disk too, but he's fine... no major documents in ere... so yeay... anyways, den sent her to the interchange... (thinking abt it yesterday, i cld haf actually sent her to outram... haiz... y didnt i tink abt it? cos my plan was to send her to the interchange and go back to skol to drive home... y didnt i jus drive her to the interchange? well, well, i haf my reasons... haha) anyways, den went back to skol... met sri along the way... den went sent her to expo and rudy to a bus stop... waited for ian... in between, i did a crazy turn into one of the terrace lanes... in which i didnt expected the speed... so went a bit too fast, since i didnt even bothered to brake... and sri 'lemah semangat' for a while... haha... oops...oh well...

yesterday jus did my napfa... freaking hell... got bronze cos of my pull up... anyways. the rest were fab... esp my broad jump... really proud to be able to do 250 cm when i usually am stuck in 225 range.... still had my speed, did at 9.81sec, lost a bit of flexibility(50cm only), lost a bit of stamina(11min plus)... haiz... den did only 3 pull up... haha... sheesh... den went back for dumpin the stuff into my hard disk... met ezaida after my mixing and went to the 8th floor before decided to go home together....den went back wif ezaida and leon... at least we can talk now.. haha... still feels strange but yet good...

tis is the 2nd part...
been loads of events been happening around my life... not in chronological(is tis the rite spelling??) order... in between my friend's suicide and goin out wif ppl, itz been a roller coaster ride...

she took her life on the 24th of Jan... the same day i went for my medicals... in between getting a pes D, since they dun really noe wats wrong wif my ECG reading... sum breaks in the pulse... hahaha... shite man... but it was ticklish, so i dunno if tat contributed to it... gettin my pes by mail... den was walkin ard town wif vick and met sri.... she told me abt it... so went for her memorial the next day... cldn't wake up on time to catch the bus... so drove and picked up rey/ray, amin, richard and sri... went to the crematorium... i dunno... it was quite a lifeless place... no spirits even... a big crowd was ere.. so den went to the temple at Bishan... ere, it was quite 'happening'... when vicki's ashes were abt to be praed and offered josssticks, a cloud of uneasiness came over me... it was huge... havent felt tat feelin before... jus a heavy feeling clouding over the whole area... was a bit unwell... but i regained my composure... farah was already freaked out.. haha... den we all went to the place where they kept the ashes...paid my last respects... den comforted christina since we were the last 3 to go out of the palce... me, her and liting... and just as we left, i walked past a huge 'thing'... havent felt these feelings in the morning or noon before... but i knew there was sumthin at the door as we left the place... so den we went back to skol to eat before goin to my house to do the project ere... den sri and me cooked fries, chicken and mushrooms... oh well, i got sick at night... havent vomitted since i was really young... like before primary 3... den suddenly i started vomitting... i dun tink itz the food since the rest were fine.. i guess i kinda connected the events tis morning to tat nite.. the first few tries at vomitting didnt result in anything except robbing me of air... i guess i kinda noticed i was gona suffocate if i continued so i stood up and woah, had to fight wif my body... to release the tenseness of my body... got sum air.. den started again, but tis time, like woah... everything came out... and i felt drained but good... left a bad after taste though.... haha... slept on the couch tat day... jus in case the air con made me want to vomit again... got like loads of calls and msges tat nite and the day... scaring the shite out of everyone.... den started callin everyone back... telling i was sick the day before... though when i read liz's msg, kinda made me okie again...

so called sri and she wasn't in the mood to do our project today, so we happily agreed to take a day break... haha... went out wif liz... played pool(thanks dila!! for the pool place...) and searched for a wedding band wif her(she's not gettin married, jus a pair of similiar rings)....wat am i doin goin out wif an attached gal u may ask? i dunno, she asked me out, so y not... not as if i got anythin to do anyway... met her fwen sharifah and another gal and tis gal i knew in hi club... sharifah looks cute wif the long hair and emo glasses... but dammm scary wif her tudung... haha... oops.. anyways, after at orchard, went to queensway to look for sum of her running stuff...she's goin to jog at east coast the next day... so yea...went to ikea first cos wanted to get their ice cream cone... haha... den sat down and ate... took sum pics (finally)... den went to queensway...she got a few stuff... tis auntie at one of the shop kept teasing us... she jus said we're not together... but NOT she's attached... hmmmm... haiz... keep focus on writing... keep focus... haha... anyways, den got a packet of chicken rice and sat down in front of tis optometrist's shop and ate... went home after that... i took a random bus after seein her off... ended wif passing by dahlia's old skol... den stopped at tiong bahru... went home i tink... oh wait, rented the passion...
and i wondered if itz supposed to portray his suffering or to create anti-semiticism... tough i argued tat it has been done to a whole bunch of other people before... to blame the people for their want to see violence, itz not really a good reason to hate since we would den be guilty of wantin to see violence... i dunno... i felt it didnt concentrate on wat he believed but rather on how people loved to see torture at that time... and to view violence... we jus see jesus being flogged for a good part of the movie... and the high priests mirrors the fanaticsm of sum priest now a days too... i guess it will not be bounded to just christians but humanism as a whole.. i dunno... anyways...

forgot wat happened in between... seems like nuthin happened between i last went out wif liz and now... hahaha... sheesh... yesterday, went to the technical workshop wif eka... den went to haf the DYL meeting... as of yesterday, i realised my week is almost busy... todae going to meet farah and whoever else is goin for the ntu thingy... den monday got to meet ivan to do DPM and den rehearsals at nite... tues is mug day...wednesday is the first thumper gig... itz at thumper!!! starts at 9pm... den the next day got my media law test... den friday got nuthing... at least for now... arrghhhhhhh... but also wheeeeeeeeeeeeee.... gonna go already ...

the weeks passed by like the cars on an expressway

2005-01-11T22:07:00.000+08:00

itz been a hell long time since i updated... well, abt a lil more than a week, but still... i guess havent had much things to update... mt parents are gone... not as elated as many wld feel... when u get all the freedom in the world, not havin ur parents ard is quite a bummer... jus sent them off todae... i dunno... maybe itz weird, but i only felt tears welling for my mum... i dunno... i guess i cried cos my mom's goin... and here i am again, in tears... god knows y... but yea... so tats like one whole month wifout them... i guess i'm soooo used to me leavin them, like camps and such... never had they left me before... so yea, here i am, in my house, all alone, wif no one to disturb to... i find it almost impossible to describe the anguish i felt when my mum cried as she hugged goodbye... well, held her a lil longer than usual... my dad was in a rush to get into the bus though... haha... such extreme opposites, sumtimes i wonder how they ever stayed tat long together... and i thank god that i haf them as my parents... showing me 2 radically different persons to guide me thru my life... i guess my mum's side reflects me more... i'm lovin change, believe eye for an eye yet wif compassion(which makes me bullly-able).... yet i get much patience from my dad, learning his methods of dealing thru soft spoken-ness and such gentle-ness, getting my sense of humour(though i get my talent of laughing at everything thru my mum),my bargaining lessons from my mum(but my spending tendencies from my dad)... my sportyness from my dad and my need to say things out loud from my mum...

oh well, drove to skol todae after sending them... not a very nice sight... haha... my car's alright... jus my will to drive is going down... haha... plus the fuel that i need to pay... haha... had a haircut yesterday... now itz really short... oh well, kinda okie wif it... went for my recording todae.. it was okie la... except tat we spent 1 hour plus jus to figure out how to get logic to work again... since got a few tech prob which even Chin boo and lionel cant solve... den suddenly it works... i guess they must haf done bits and pieces, and we put the finishing touches to make it work... so dumpin the songs already... still dun like logic though... haha... so not user friendly... anyways, den went to beach road wif sri... she wanted to get a shirt stitched... den went to the memorial wif her and ian...

no runnin thoughts of anything yet...

the fragility of life

2005-01-03T23:15:00.000+08:00

todae, i overcomed the nercousness of facing tis stern lookin tester... but will not argue, he passed me... haha... okie, so it was a bad pass but a pas never the less... and mostly itz abt safety points... like blindspot(though i did check the blindspot... so i didnt really turned my head and exaggerated the movement... but still... haha... wootz... no accident, no nuthin... yet... so went to skol... den slacked ere b4 had to meet the rest of the grp... as usual, they were late... hiaz... anyways, in the end, we didnt present... so it will be next week... so anyways, den went to eat chicken rice wif liz after class... sumwhere in bukit gombak... den had prata... haha... tats like the first time i ate 2 meals which is not sumone else's... haha... and todae, it dawned to me tat i'm jus gonna be friends... after wat my cousin showed me tat dae, it seems tat maybe i shld not read too much depth and follow... and to tink i kept tellin tis fwen of mine... 'but he's attached'... haha... so yea, anyways, she was kinda sick... she had a headache... well, wasnt lookin herself todae too... anyways, den went to esplanade to try and find a dvd... didn't find any good ones...

maybe tomz... den went home and abt 7plus, i drove the car for the first time... legally tat is... haha... must say, itz scarier wif auto, yet faster... yea la, the speed comes at an expense... so todae, i drove from al ansar mosque to haig road to my old house where we returned the pots, which we used durin the kenduri, back to my baby sitter... den drove home... drove on the TPE and all... must say, my hands not tat stable when drivin tis car... at least not yet... still tryin to get use to the really small steering wheel my dad fitted in and to brake earlier wif this car, or any other auto car, for tat matter... i dunno, when i'm behind the wheel, i'm torn between moving fast and the safety of the car... or myself for tat matter... i dunno... hope i dun lose tis wonder for life... noe how the senses seems all sharpened as u jump down from a bungee? itz abt the same thing, jus less scarier cos u can brake... hahaha.... arrghhh... still a bit shaky from drivin jus now... haha... so yeay...

anyways, watched the s'pore VS myanmar yest... haha... even though had my test in the morning tat day... so anyways, myanmar sure put up a fight... literally and methaphorically... i mean, they cld haf won but everyone had to fight... and lose 2 more players along the way jus b4 the penalty... so i mean, 8 V 11??? where's the fight ere??? haha... but anyways, s'pore won... yeay!!! and so it is... s'pore against indonesia, never tot i saw tis day... haha... whee... tomz early class... so gotta go ....

Here's my year's summary

2005-01-02T20:28:00.000+08:00

hmmm, havent edited nor added any entry for god knows how long... haha... so here's bits and pieces of my life in between... tat happened in a space of less than a month, hell, itz jus abt 15 days...

in between goin to johore wif yanie and nezar, to playin monday soccer and grinning my life away every monday with sumone i shld not be grinning my life away with, to actually gettin to talk to my gal cousin,(who finally got home from her degree in cairo), i still find it hard to talk to the guys though(i personal flaw), to havin havin me a busy last few weeks of 2004, from all the gigs, meetings of DYL, outings wif the DYL, sending ed to airport, to my driving, to the christmas outings wif adli, the two farah-s, nina(i tink or was it lina???), to dayana, her cousins, her brother(whom i layan endlessly), to lin who listens to my endless rattle and banter and teasin and to seein a new side of orchard to havin school in december...

so lets start... or at least i hope i go the timeline right... haha...

i guess me and liza are closer... in a way... haha... but oh well...

soccer on mondays are a great workout... haha... havent scored tat many goals since quite a while... hahaha... big thanks to john for startin it and whoever who gets the ball every monday from dunno where... hahaha... den now tat we are startin the wednesday trip to johore, started since we were quite stressed wif digi effects... not tat stressed la but itz quite a bitch, especially the maskin of the movin apples... hahaha... and to mask stuff basically... lots of work for a few seconds work... hahaha, not to add the freezing room... spent like the whole nite there... went home at abt 1am... walked ard the place at abt 10pm where everythin is closed... haha... so jus went explorin the place... turning round abt 3 times... haha... den eatin seafood which amounts to abt 10 ringgit each, to buyin foodstuff as if it was really cheap(i mean it is la)... haha... basically we jus walked... to another trip tis wednesday i guess...

spent christmas eve wif adli and his fwens, farah, her cousin(lina or sumthin), and nana(eh, erm, okie, i'm not really sure of their names...)... hung ard wif amin first, den met adli and den met the rest... went to watch a performance at esplanade den ere was tis ballet performance... i was kinda enchanted by it... amin leftin between the ballet and the performance before tat... the rest of us went to eat at cavana, ere met zai, faiz, and , erm, sumone else i forgot who it was... arrghhhhh, my memory is failing me... sighs... anyways, den we went to the merlion to jus sit down... saw the crazy finger biting and no holds barred side of farah(which me and adli was the recipient)... i mean, who the hell asks to lend ur hand and den wants to bite it??!!! hahaha... got sprayed a bit by the sea and waves... thuogh itz kinda weird when ppl starts addressing themselves in the passive voice... haha... took a few pictures... together... den the other farah msged me askin if i wanted to go wif her and watched tis netball thingy organized by RIA... so i was like, wat the hell, dun haf anythin planned...

so yea, went wif her... so met her primary skol fwen... so took a few shots at the hoop near the court...den tis gal joined and i knew she must be used to coaching to a team(i mean like, which person who is not used to coachin says good job everytime i make a shot[which was everyone when i was in front of her...not bad okie... hahahaha)] den went to orchard, ate wif them at far east... den we met dayana at her house... bought back food and ate at her house... watched the brit awards... den went back to orchard... since farah had to work later, she left... so went wif dayana and her lil bro(shite, forgot his name, but itz a name common to english than malay... daniel or sumthin)... met her cousin noni(i tink tats how u spell it)... watched a silat performance... den met her other cousin who cldn't really make it for the performance... yati i tink... anyways, durin the performance, her bro sulked cos i didnt let him use the camera, since i 'had' to take the pictures of the performances... ahhaha... den we went to taka and he finally decided to end the cold war which he started... and got to use my camera... haha... must day, tat 6 or 7 or was it 5 year old has quite a steady hand... i mean(for those who knows shutter speed), he held a 1/25 shutter speed and it was still not shaky... for the uninitiated ones, itz abt 1/25 seconds... ur normal camera is abt 1/60, which is faster... so 1/25 is suspectible to the picture bein shaky... and my camera isn't tat light... so yea, he took quite a bit of pic wif all 3 of us bein the subject... den he left wif his mom and we continued our way... sat near the hilton and jus slacked ere for a while while takin pictures... den nonie was actin the ghost who was posin behind us... as we took a pic 2 by 2... haha...

den on new year's even, met lin first before we went to meet the DYl ppl later at 9... went to kino, well, wanted to go to queenstown library... but it was closed... haha... so like spent abt 1 hour plus at kino... she at the graphic design side and me at the photo side... which is perpendicular to each other anyway... den ate the japanese food, tokoyaki or sumthin like tat... the round shaped thingy which is filled wif a pathetic piece of meat... ate ice-cream after tat, den we walked in the drizzle to orchard emerald before takin the bus and eatin old chang kee at bugis... she listenin to me rattle abt myself... haha.. den met the guys... we ate at zam zam which only had mutton murtabak... and meeting tis attitude guy servin us... den walked to middle road to eat sum more... haha... stayed ere till abt 3 or 4 plus... saw nisa at that shop... den walked down to jus b4 lil india and sat at that coffee shop till abt 5 b4 ben had to go off to work... talked abt ghost stories at the middle road coffee shop... still remembered tat shop as the 3 dollar milo dinosaur shop... haha...

den the next day, my mum woked me up at abt 11 plus to go collect the food for the kenduri and i was like, shite, itz todae??? den went wif ma dad to collect the stuff at my baby sitter's place... she cooks these killer nasi dum... she got a shop under the KPMS building(or was it KPSM or... aiya, the one beside the temple and opp the mosque at geylang... itz called abab(or was it abha or sumthin) but itz the only nasi dum(okie, so i dunno how to spell it... the dum part)... den my cousins... must say, tis was the first time i saw my gal cousin... she's been away for too long... so lets start bein emo here... haha... well, used to be real close wif her when i was young... den we grew apart...s till remembered her and my cousin fightin over who gets my company... haha... usually, when i had sleep over at their place, itz between him in the day and her durin nite time... dunno, i guess itz cos i always wanted a sis tat i'm closer to her... den she left for her studies for a few years... den yesterday, i guess, suddenly we were closer... at least i dared to tell her abt my crushes... haha... so i guess we're closer... i still do not let out my feelings to strangers... or even most fwens... haha... she stayted since my mum wanted her to stay and help us... so i kept her company while ppl came and went... so yea, yeay, finally i opened up to my cousins... haha... well, she's not the outside kind of a person... so quite a culture shock for me la... haha... as in, need to readjust a lot more... speakin malay to her, unless i really need to talk faster or like i forget abt talkin in malay, which is quite often... haha... so yea, enjoyed her company... wheee....

todae, went for my final driving lesson... at the ungodly hour of 8.30... den it rained the whole dam day... hope it dun rain tomz... haiz, got my test in the morning... yeay, tomz is monday!!! must be the only few dam guy who likes monday... hahaha... hopefully i pass the bloody test... haha... *prays real hard* since i was in constant form, i hope i pass it... *crosses fingers and eyes... well, u get the pic..*

haha... in quite a good mood todae i see... hahaha... finished the dam power point presentation on rwanda... at last.... hope s'pore wins today... or at least draw la... or at least lose by one goal but the score is not more than5-4... haha... gonna watch it later... hopefully it dun rain heavily tomz morning... rain in the afternoon for all i care... haha... wheeeeeeeee... if i dun post by tomz, noe tat i haf failed the test... hahaha

i'm am officially depressed today

2004-12-19T23:04:00.000+08:00

did nuthin on friday... well, except got to know tis gal named li___ sumthin... haha... was always smokin wif the others at SIM(names shall now be revealed to protect the guilty parties)... so yea, den went wif taufik(q) to the mosque and went home... haiz... eh, wait, i borrowed sum dvds at the library @esplanade... yea... den went home... watched shallow hal...

sat, went for the RP gig... took loads of photos as usual... well, at least sophia(i tink tats her name,and syed kinda remembered me... she looks dammm thin now...) at least compared to when i last saw her perform at RP for basic theory... den caught sum new bands... okie la...awie den kinda recognised me but didnt remember where he met me... it was at oniatta's weddin anyways... den he asked if i cld do a photo shoot for their band...(i forgot whether it was for bhumis or Rafe)... quite a big thingy le if i do... anyways, crowd was okie... the best part was when KOK performed... i tink i took my best photos ere... met a few more ppl ere... lin(i tink tats how u spell it), hadiara(it sounded like hambriala or sumthin, den got ida, met sufrin again)... crowd was ok ok la... sound guy was dam bad until sum other student came and solved the feedback problem... but god dammit!!! the feedback was killing people and they dunno wat to do abt it... and i mean, god dammit... dun leave ppl who dunno wat to do alone... the gal was quite worried since she was the only one at the board and didnt noe wat to do when tis other chinese guy left for a while... i dunno y but i tend to leave these things alone when i dun noe them.. selfish i noe, esp when i see they dun even use the freakin EQ... or at least the graphic EQ... i mean, like, use the freakin graphic EQ for god sake... god dammit... and always be on the board if feedback always occur... and dun put the bloody speaker jus behind the bloody mic... god dammit... of course there's gonna be feedback... haiz...i got to gif it, the bass sounded quite rounded for a speaker wifout subs... and tissue works wonders if u dun have ear plugs... i tink it reduces abt 12dB or sumthin?? jus an estimation... cld be abt 6 only... but the point is tat it works...

den todae went to shoot the rest of the DYL team... celebrated Jacq's bdae after that... it was kinda a simple affair except for the candles which kept bein blown out by the gust of wind and us tryin to form the word 'jacq'... rode on the train and felt depressed... i noe itz a lot of factors but my bloody bro can guess the amin reason... a few others are seein ben, ave, jacq, ifte, lin, viv... (i mean, u guys dun make me depressed la... jus tat seein u kinda makes me depressed.. am i makin sense? no, i guess not... i mean, i like u ppl... itz nuthin abt u guys but itz sumthin abt u guys tat made it worst these month... esp tis month...) itz jus tat seein u ppl brings out an jung or was it freudian term(i forgot wat itz called... but sumthin got to do wif image... and bringing another image)

wrote a prose on the train... it started off as a poem and i got emo and lost my composure for poetry and rhyming verse

The sun still rise in the east
and it still sets in the west
But why is it colder when there's a breeze
And i feel the sun's warmth much less?
I tried to keep the sense of wonder
Seeing each day as a 1st time experience
But i can't see that wonder no more
I don't know how or what to feel
one day you are warm
the rest of the week you're cold
your smile warms hearts, at least my heart
But when i'm not with you, you're frozen to me
you leave me low to find my own
A way of getting up to start walking on my own
I won't pretend i feel nothing for you
And i wonder if it's because of your ex
You leave me high one day & rock bottom the next
I begin to question if i can handle
all the fluctuations that the past month brought
if i could still see that smile twice each week
and not feel anything at all for the rest of the week

life sumtimes bring u an orgasm so that u can hang low after that

2004-12-16T21:04:00.000+08:00

went out wif ed on wednesday...last wed at least... met him at simei since he needed to buy the thingy that can be fitted into a bottle wif a roller ball... haha.. .for his fwen's pet... den went to eat at KFC as we waited for ducky... i forgot wat we did... but it was walkin abt in tampines...

went to set up a show at West Mall on friday afternoon... den went to take photos of The Leaven Trait at youth park... rained heavily jus after they finished... got stuck for a while at the youth park.. den went home..

sat was a full day... went to take more pic of leaven trait... their PS gig got cancelled cos it was raining, so started wif the paragon gig.. den off we went to the DYL meetin and den to bishan... but must admit, the bishan one was GREAT!! at least the stage was... ere was like lights and smoke machine and stuff... dun get tat for gigs very often... wheeee...

sunday, i tried to think of a topic for WISP... den tried a final research on IC den changed my mind in the end...

had lunch wif liza and her 2 friends... sharifah and bahriah(i tink)(she's interested in photography from wat i see)... den made a few straw stars(thanks to faiz or was it faizal? crap, sorriw dila, forgot who's who) oh yea, dun tink i told ya i already noe how to make loads of stars wif straw... haha.. been practicing... haha.... anyways,den we went to class... in the end, i never presented... den must present next week... so now i'm torn between sign lang and tarot cards... haiz....i tink i'll do both...

den went to hang ard at the bukit panjang shoppin centre wif her(i didn't noe the name of the shopping centre)...had abt 2.5 hours anyways b4 i need to get back to skol anyways... to play soccer... and she offered to keep me company anyways... hee... got the photoshop CS book which i was tryin to find... found out she's an aspiring nutritionist... walked in popular and learnt who captain underpants was... haha... den walked her to her house b4 goin to play street soccer... met raihan and chun foon along the way who was misinformed of the location... haha... den played for abt 2 hours...

havin craps in my upper body cos didnt bother to warm up my upper body... haiz.... so tues had tutorials cancelled... so wasted the day waitin for chin boo to finish the class and haf a meetin wif him... *sob*sob* den went wif sri to take photos of the murals tat she and the guys painted for woodlands primary skol... den went for the photoshoop i'm supposed to do for the DYL crew... den took sum interesting shots... but of course... hahaha... well, sumone gotta praise me(even if it has to be myself...). haha... spent wednesday in skol....

thurs... haiz, quite boring la... nuthin to do except edit more photos of the murals and tryin to get a hang of the CS....